Anyone else?

[CcandyCcanes]

Has anyone decided to remain single until their kids have grown up? i’ve thought of ways I could make dating work but it all just seems hard work and not worth the effort, just not workable really. i’m fine with it but I do feel a bit lonely and maybe like life is passing me by! has anyone else made the decision?

Yes, but I do love being single and at the moment I'm not even sure I'll date again when the nest is empty, I certainly don't imagine sharing my space again full time!

just to add i mean completely single no fwb or anything like that! has anyone remained completely single?

I don't know that I put that much thought into it really. I've divorced when DD was little, she's now a young adult. I've been single for nearly 15 years, don't regret it, don't feel lonely. It was best for her but best for me too.

I have been divorced twice and have been with DP for 22 years, but we don't live together as we both like our own space. It works for us.

Not so much a decision as it’s how it’s turned out.

ah ok i’m just wondering if anyone has decided not to date? obviously if you don’t want to that’s different.

But if you don't think it's worth the effort, doesn't that mean you don't want to?

sorry to clarify i have my children full time so it would be extremely difficult, i wouldn’t chose to stay single if i didn’t more just it would be extremely hard and i’ve heard of people arranging sitters only for them to get blocked/ ghosted

I see. Mine goes to dads EOW and for me it was realising that I didn't want all my free time to be taken up - I want time to myself and I want to see friends, so it just hasn't been something I've even tried to do.

I did! Life was just too hard (I have no family nearby and I wasn’t in a financial position to pay for reliable babysitters) and frankly I was very wary about having men in my life with a young DD.

I don’t recommend it though. Obviously vet people thoroughly before having them anywhere near your children, but now I also don’t think a blanket ban is any use, especially if you direct that focus solely towards your children like I did.

I started dating shortly after mine turned 18 and even though it’s been almost 3 years now, it’s been very hard. DD reacts poorly even to him staying around for weekends, doesn’t understand boundaries regarding personal objects and generally makes me miserable. I waited until she was 18 because I assumed (like she had said many times) she’d be off to uni but it didn’t happen at all.

tl;dr my advice is vet people, but make sure you also build a life for yourself (it doesn’t have to be romantic, even regularly having friends over)

Ah really that’s interesting! I’ve heard that happening with other women actually. I have my kids full time so dating just isn’t possible people have told me I could date whilst they are at school but that just doesn’t seem workable and tbh if I was a man I wouldn’t date anyone in that situation and I wouldn’t want to date like that, I definitely wouldn’t stay single if they visited their father and I got time off so I don’t see it as a choice thing but it’s impossible otherwise (no family that would have them.)

I did OP. Same boat as you no money and no support. Husband died.
It wasn't easy to begin with because of course it takes time and a completely different mindset to adapt and enjoy a single way of life. It's easy to think your missing out and you will spend the rest of your life alone. It's hard when things go wrong and only you to make a decision or come up with a solution.
I did date occasionally once my children got a bit older but l always kept it separate and to be honest l found it quite hard work and stressful, even just trying to get ready and out of the door on time.
What did it for me was that l would meet someone, get my hopes up, then inevitably get let down. It made me question was l looking for answers in the wrong places?
So l committed to staying single and focusing on what l already had in my life, and as time went on l actually started enjoying it. I read books, and listened to people l wouldn't previously have shown interest in. I expanded my knowledge on self growth, self improvement, self care. I became more confident standing on my own two feet, l worked like a trooper to earn enough money to support myself and my children. I created a lovely way of life, grew a beautiful garden, decorated my home. I surrounded myself with a couple of really good friends and family, but mostly l was content by myself.
Now my children are young adults, both still living at home and after many years alone l found someone nice, naturally whilst out walking and cycling. I don't want big changes, he has his house and l have mine. We get on well, he's good company but l know if it ended tomorrow l would be absolutely fine. That's the beauty of learning to love being alone. You become less attached. You know you can do life alone and that there are in fact many advantages. Having a partner is no guarantee of happiness.

There's no way I personally want to date. I'm obviously not making any generalisations about it - I'm just saying, it's not for me.

I want this next phase of my life to be just for my DC and also for me to just be without being someone's wife/GF/whatever. I just want to really be free, answerable to no one, and figure out who I am after losing so much of myself in my marriage. My wings are just starting to unfold, and I know 'the right relationship won't weigh me down etc' but I don't want to take the chance.

I'll be having a solo kitchen disco to Candi Staton and dancing like no-ones watching (cuz finally, they aren't!!) if you need me

I have a pal who is doing this. He has had many failed relationships some very dramatic and tough times with the women involved and is now staying happily single.

Me myself I am staying single for the forseeable now. Having lost my partner last year I just can't be bothered with the hassle of meeting anyone again for a long time if ever. Am 45 by the way. Even fwb which gives me the boke anyway

Yes, I've been alone for nearly 10 years. I haven't tried dating, well I looked at the apps and they're not for me. I peri at the moment and not at all interested in anything romantic!

I don't have any childcare so not likely to meet anyone by chance either. Not sure if I could even be bothered once I'm free of DC anyway.

Yep. After my second daughter was born, I decided that I couldn’t be arsed quite frankly with the hassle of dating. The time, the money for babysitters and the feeling that I’d rather be home watching Midsomer Murders with a nice cup of tea than thinking about how soon I can reasonably leave some chap who looks nothing like his profile. Have brought 2 girls up on my own, no family near by. Youngest is now 18. It can be difficult when everyone else is coupled up, but on balance life has been much easier with just me and my girls and no distractions. Might dip my toe in the water in the next few years, but to be honest, I really couldn’t share my space with anyone now.

I really agree with this. I admire people who are saying they are happy long term single. Other than some short term relationships when DS was younger (nothing ever got serious) been single 15 years and totally single last 7. At the point now where DS will fly the nest most likely next few years and although I have some friends/ interests future is looking lonely tbh. Am working on it currently - ie building up hobbies etc but struggling to imagine meeting someone. I rarely/ if ever hear of people single this long and then meeting someone. Maybe better to put yourself out there but go v slow.

@Bufftailed I ended up meeting my bf at work - I did install a couple apps but found it so miserable and never actually went on a date with anyone from there.

I have to admit I found it increasingly lonely as DD entered her teens and I didn’t have anything going on for myself except working FT and then catching up with housework on the weekends. I hated when the holidays came around because I was just lonely. DD (like a lot of teenagers, or most) wants all the attention but will promptly forget you if something else comes along.

It’s a lot better with a (supportive) partner, I have to admit.

Yeah I think this is it. With DS increasingly independent I do feel lonely and worry about the future. Hard to imagine meeting someone, but still hoping. Glad you did

I've been single and celibate by choice for 7 years (I left my twins' father due to DA etc when they were 5/6 months old.
They don't see much of their Dad - he lives the other side of the country, but also spends a lot of time in his home (European) country.
I think, by the time I left my ex, I'd had enough of shit men (NAMALT, but I always made poor choices!).
From 17 to 39, there was always 'someone' in one form or another (be they crush, fuck, fling or more 'stable' relationship).
I just didn't want that for myself any longer. And, wasn't having that for my girls, either.
I don't that I'll ever date again. And, that doesn't make me feel sad at all!

i’m glad that you feel that way but we split when i was 28 so i don’t intend to remain alone forever maybe if you are much older ..

I don't think any woman in the history of women has ever loved being referred to as "much older". 🙃

Yes! My dts are 14. Their dad walks out before they were born. I’ve never even had a date. I didn’t want them to have any random men in their lives. Best decision ever

ive been single since my son was 8 months old and he is nearly 10. I’ve been totally celibate for my entire thirties which is crazy to think about! Can’t see it changing anytime soon.