Just need to vent really. STBxH moved out in September. Since then his regular time with our daughter (7) has gradually dwindled. At the start he was doing one school drop-off a week, a full day on Saturday (10am until bedtime) and a fair number of odd evenings when I had a late meeting etc. In between he would send a couple of video messages a week. He now sees her for 4-5 hours at the weekend (not on a regular day, at his leisure) and that's it. No other communication at all - no phone calls, messages, nothing. For the whole of this school year he has done a total of two days holiday cover (at Christmas). He's just let me know that he "can't commit" to see her any time over the summer. I work full time so it's a logistical nightmare for me, but it's DD who I feel so upset and disappointed for.
Needless to say it's not an amicable divorce and he's also being horrendous around finances, but that's a whole separate bucket of crapness.
So that's the backdrop. I think I'm doing ok at single parenting, and have a really close bond with my daughter. But I feel so overwhelmed and lonely, and constantly on the edge of exhaustion. She was very clingy at the beginning (e.g. slept in my bed for the first six months after he left; lots of anxiety about school drop off) but has relaxed a lot and we talk a lot about her feelings.
Today was really hot and we were both tired and grumpy at bedtime, and she had a complete meltdown about something random, and I really lost it. I didn't shout but I had to take myself into another room to calm down. Then she followed me crying and hitting me, saying that she hated me, didn't want to live with me, I was the worst mummy in the world. In the end I had to lock myself out in the garden for five minutes to breathe and regulate myself, while she sobbed on the other side of the door. When I came in she was really sad and apologetic, I told her I understood her feelings, everyone gets overwhelmed sometimes but hitting isn't ok, etc. She then said that she really doesn't want to see her dad tomorrow, that she dreads it each week and just wants to be with me instead. I didn't know what to reply so I sort of fobbed her off by saying let's see how you feel tomorrow.
The whole thing only lasted half an hour, now she's asleep and I feel utterly exhausted. I'm so angry that he's done this to her, and that I'm having to cope with all her Big Feeling by myself. And angry that I lost control of mine. There's all the endless dropoffs and lunchboxes and childcare arrangements and pickups and sports days and playdates and homework and washing and hoovering etc. etc. AND the lovely times of chatting about her day on the walk home from school, and making dinner together, and laughing at Bluey, and seeing her pride at learning how to tie her laces. It's just absolutely too much for one person.