Does anyone else NOT find it easier as a single parent?

[Lifelife]

I feel like the only single parent that doesn’t find it easier being on their own. Everyone says how great and wonderful it is and how much easier it is on your own. Does anyone else find it harder as a single parent or is it really just me?

I found it very difficult for the first few years. My sons are 19 and 17 now so it's a bit easier with them

It depends - I found it easier than being with a bad partner, but obviously not easier than when being in a good relationship.

I think some bits of single parenthood are easy - having sole control over your children (no arguments), being able to do whatever you want - have sleepovers, living room picnics, not having to work nights out around the H being home (babysitter was the only option - the number of friends who are let down by unreliable DHs is jaw dropping.

Some things are very hard - the absolute scariness of having one only income and a household to fund, the loneliness, no one to call on when there's a disaster and you have to face it alone (I did have wonderfully supportive friends but there are limits on the number of favours you can ask).

I wouldn't say it's "great and wonderful" but there are benefits. I can't say they outweigh the difficulties because it is exceptionally hard with little support.

In many ways it was easier than being in a horrible toxic relationship - but I still had to ‘co’ parent

This hits it on the head. Definitely depends on the co parent. Being a single parent is hard without a doubt but parenting with a partner who's no/little help or adds stress and extra work is harder!

It’s hard. I can remember all the ways that life was harder once I’d split with my ex - the morning routine was harder as no 2nd person to manage my DD while I got myself organised. Doing all the routines/cooking/bathing on my own with no let up. There were some positives but life did get harder & as much as it was 100% the right decision for me, it’s mostly down to what support, if any, you have to lean on when needed & to what extent your ex makes things difficult for your child(ren). My ex was a decent dad but a bit of an arse & petty beyond belief. He did the bare minimum in terms of time available & never put himself out for anything that he perceived as benefitting me. He took good care of DD when with her, so I never had to worry about her when she was with him. It was all the other petty stuff that was hard to deal with.

You’re not ‘failing’ if you find it hard. Being a lone parent differs from person to person, situation to situation & there’s a number of different ways things can be easier or harder, depending on what your own circumstances are.

The one constant throughout the early years being on my own was the childminder we had used from when DD was 8 mths old. She was more of a ‘rock’ for me & DD than anything else. Having that one constant throughout those early years made it all doable. I’d have been lost without her. She looked after DD 3 days a week until she was 10.

I think finding the support network/structure that works for you is key. I hope you find yours & things get better for you and your child(ren).

I know lots of people find it easier (for many reasons) so just wondering if anyone doesn’t?

I guess it comes down to “easier than what?”

My husband is fully hands on, we are a partnership. If he left I know I would not find it easier. I have no support locally and even if he is away for a few days, I find it very tiring.

My sister’s partner took as much looking after as her child did. She definitely found it easier as a single mum because there was less to stress about and she could always do what worked for her and her son. She did have a lot of support from my parents though, so that will have made a difference.

Thanks for the comment I can relate to it although he was the one that left.

He left so yes it wasn’t a choice in that way.

Absolutely this. Parenting with my ExH was a lot worse than being a single parent as he was lazy, selfish and never put the children's needs above his own.

He left for the OW when youngest was a few weeks old and I was amazed at how much easier it was.

A few months later, I met my now DP and parenting with him was a lot easier than doing it by myself. Mainly because he's a fully functioning adult.

It depends on what you are comparing it to being easier or harder than.

I’m not a single parent, my husband is a great and very hands on parent as well as being a great and supportive partner to me. If he suddenly walked out the door tomorrow I absolutely would not find life easier as a single parent because currently he takes half of the “load”, house stuff, childcare etc, and we have totally shared finances, it’s not all on me. So yeah, my life would be harder as a single parent than it currently is now.

On the other hand I have a friend who recently became a single parent and before her partner left he had been doing absolutely nothing around the house or with their child, no cooking, cleaning, drop offs/pick ups, no childcare whatsoever, he was leaving a mess in the house and never tidied up so was actually adding more work, going out for a drink at 5pm friday and strolling in at 10am sunday, and he wasn’t contributing anything at all financially so my friend was funding everyone’s lives. When he walked out the door her life got a lot easier because she was doing everything anyway but now she had less people to feed & clean up after and she always knew exactly what was going on in her house.

I don't know many single parents say this. Even the plus side of making your own decisions has the downside of not having anyone to discuss these with. Money wise you are definitely at a disadvantage being a single parent.

most single mums say it I have even see people advising to use donors as being a single parent is much easier apparently

Personally I think it depends on your relationship and then the post break-up set up.

Split up over 6 years ago after 20 Yr relationship.
4 dc were 5, 10, 14 and 17.

My exdp has never paid maintenance, never had our dc over night and never taken all 4 out. Rarely sees the dc, if he does, its in my house.

I have no family support and socially isolated.

It's still better then being with him but I all honesty, had I known how hard it was going to be, I would never have ended the relationship.

Not a single parent, have a decent dh. Doing it without him would be miles worse, we split all the school/childcare runs etc, he does his share of loads of stuff at home. I think for some people life is so bad with a toxic/useless partner that anything is better than that.

For me it is harder parenting on my own. However, no regrets and it’s worked out well, but is hard work

I really think it depends. Physically and practically it's harder. Everything falls to me and it's exhausting. I'm working full time, juggling 3 kids and housework on my own. The weight of responsibility is heavy. Like someone else said, having nobody around to help make decisions or share the load is tough.

However, emotionally, it's SO much easier. I feel light and free. The house is calm, the kids are happy. No more walking on eggshells, arguments, upset or abuse. We live in peace. And for me, that makes all the harder stuff worth it. I wouldn't change it for anything.

yeah It’s easier if your ex was abusive I guess but mine wasn’t he had a mental break down and buggered off, life was definitely easier with him around he wasn’t a bad or useless father, he has been since and now uses his MH as an excuse.

I sometimes find it easier in the detail, so can make choices easily.

But, overall the pressure of being the only parent, wanting to get it so right, the responsibility and the weight of being the one to deal with everything forever and ever is terrifying.

I do find that if I start to feel self pity the whole things goes to pot. So, I kind of try not to think about it and to affirm the ‘benefits’ to myself a lot.

My husband was appalling when he was here and makes no effort whatsoever to be a dad. Actually laughs about being a totally absent parent so no weekends off for me etc. I have to stay very positive and try to see it all as a privilege.

My younger sibling has just had a baby and they are very much a team.

I do find myself looking at that so wistfully. I can’t imagine what it must be like to go through pregnancy and child rearing with a decent person as a partner.

Even though I have been doing this for eight years on my own, and have had to just force myself to find more energy more positivity and more strength and more energy: I still would not want my ex back.

So, I guess I agree single parenthood is better than being in an awful relationship but no it’s not easy x

Sounds like yours was the kind of partner who did his share then, so of course it's more difficult on your own. Is he in treatment for his mental health difficulties? If he could access some treatment, he might start to see a lot of things differently, including family life.

It’s always the assumption that it was a bad relationship though sometimes it wasn’t not all relationships fail because the other parent was abusive or useless.

He is not interested in treatment

I don't know of any single Mothers who say this. I have been a single Mum for 9 years now my DC were 11 & 12 when we split. Their Dad hasn't been hands on in any way and has left the bulk of the work to me. It is much harder alone, you don't ever get a break, all the decisions fall to you and financially it is very though. The reward however is now my DC are young adults and we are very very close. They barely see their Dad.

I see it all the time women saying it’s so much easier being a single parent, surprised you haven’t!