ExH driving a wedge between DCs

[QueenBing]

ExH and I separated in 2021 and divorced in 2022. We have DD15 and DS13. In April, ExH and his new wife took DD and DS on a UK based holiday for a few nights. They took their dog which DD is allergic to and they stayed in a self catering lodge. ExH told the kids money was tight so they would eat packed lunches and eat in the lodge for dinner.

A fortnight later he told DD and DS he was going on holiday to an all inclusive resort with his DSS and his wife for a week. The dog was being looked after by a family member.

DD and DS both felt they’d been treated unfairly and were upset. DS isn’t one to hold a grudge but DD is. She sent a message to ExH saying how hurt she felt and that this runs far deeper than a holiday, it’s about how he’s prioritising her in his life. (A lot has gone on before this.)

ExH arranged for him, his wife and DD to have a sit down over a coffee and talk things through. She said she wanted to speak to him on his own but he and his wife insisted they were both there. DD recorded the conversation on her phone without their knowledge and I have listened to it. ExH has BPD and there are traits of narcissistic behaviour. I was horrified by the conversation and the lies my ExH was spewing but DD held her own very well; she’s a very intelligent, high achieving and mature teen. DD lasted half an hour and then she left. ExH is now refusing to speak to her unless she apologises to him and his wife for her rudeness. I listened to the conversation and she absolutely was not rude!

ExH is now making a huge fuss of DS which is driving a wedge between DS and DD. ExH no longer invites her to his place and he didn’t take her on a day out to a theme park when he took DS and bought him lots of souvenirs.

I suggested mediation to ExH but he’s refused twice now saying he’s “not giving into DD’s demands”. What can I do? Have I got an argument to stop him seeing DS unless DD goes too? He’s pitting them against each other and DD has said she’s growing resentful of DS which is awful because it’s not his fault, it’s all on ExH. I really don’t know what to do. I don’t think DD has anything to apologise for but this animosity between DD and ExH is now impacting on my household with DD and DS.

I would tell her that you don't think said anything that requires apology and you understand why she was hurt/ angry/ felt sidelined by her dad. I would say that your sorry that her relationship with her dad isn't going the way she would like but it's not DS fault. DS has done nothing wrong. Although, you can understand that dad being distant with her and doing nice things with him might be hurtful. It's not fair for her to direct her anger at DS. He is the child in the relationship and he doesn't have the control or decision making power. I'd tell her you are super proud of her and how mature she has been and how well she conveyed her feelings. Then I'd do a nice day our or in when DS is out with dad.

So he ended up redirecting the problem and making it something else entirely while not actually addressing with DD why they get packed lunches but he’s off to a resort?

Next time ds is with his dad I would take dd out for a drive.

I would explain that for a long time you have known that her dad is a bit of a twat (said in nicer language) but that you would never have interfered in their relationship because children have the right to have a relationship with their parent.

That you had realised that she needed a certain level of maturity to understand that theme park trips etc weren’t the same as being a good parent.

That she is 2 years older than ds. He may come to that realisation in 2 years; that boys mature later so he may come to the realisation in 4 years; that sometimes people don’t think about relationships until they have their own kids and he might come to the realisation then.

But that it’s not your place, or hers, to try and damage his relationship with his dad until he gets to that point by himself. But the reason you’re talking to her about it is that you’re worried that if she gets frustrated, angry etc with ds she’ll destroy her relationship with him for no reason.

Yep, he said he didn’t need to justify his finances to her and didn’t need to justify his actions as an adult. He’s a master in the art of deflection.