That's it really, at the back end of an awful week with their Austic sibling, younger one in hospital and my youngest daughter at a football championship 300 miles away and I needing to drive up and collect her after. In the middle of GCSE's and although my divorce from my abusive ex was completed just 2 months ago, the financial settlement hasn't been agreed so have a court date for September. I used the c word and b word I simply asked him over a period of 3 hrs not now your brother is sick- he aspired due to change in his liquid meds and so needed chest compressions I usually do them as part of his physio but he was struggling hence going to hospital.
The older one is good, he helps and has taken on a lot but he will follow me around demanding stuff even if I try and remain calm I said we will speak later no you cannot stay out late, no I do not have the money for those trainers, ask your dad - dad gives you money. It spiralled and I shouted.
Awful awful on my part. He messaged my sister and I called her and broke down, she's on her way to stay the night to help, also both my daughters counsellors - one self harmed when their dad walked out - called me and had a chat with `DS and myself.
After I calmed down I called all the children and sat down and apologised told them I loved them all and was very proud of them all and that I was totally out of order for using that language, I told my son I was deseperately sorry, I explained I am seeing out help I have a psychiatric appointment next week that I have managed to fund myself, I just feel so ashamed, exhausted and embarrassed. I am seeing a counsellor and have psychiatric support due to anxiety and depression as a result of my abusive ex but I also am waiting for NHS pathway for ADHD and ASD myself, 3 out of 4 of my children have both, so I am trying so hard, I feel disgusted with myself. Their dad sees them once a month for a few hours on a Saturday and lives an hour away. The court case is due to him refusing to pay support while I try and manage the health needs of the youngest who is registered disabled.
What have other parents done when they've lost it - I just snapped. I asked for the Family Support Worker we had when he first left due to my daughters self harming, I asked them to come and help again but they said they have no concerns and that the children are thriving, the schools are giving the children mentors and counselling, I have a support network of friends and activities that they do I just don't know what happened - sorry I am rambling what or how do other parents just not shout, the most I swear is oh ffs under my breath and that will be my daughter aged 14 burning her breakfast when I have asked her for the 100th time not to cook her breakfast without letting me know.