How are you coping?

[Mochicat]

How are those of us who get no maintenance managing finically? I know loads will say they “don’t need it” but I had to give up work to care for my oldest as she’s disabled and not in school yes she gets dla but it doesn’t scratch the surface, this month is a particularly tight month and I owe so much debt on credit cards and loans and constantly live in my other draft. Oldest has an extremely restricted food intake and is refusing all the things I have in the house. Not a begging post asking for advice and tips only

Do you get any kind of benefit, OP? You should be eligible for carer's allowance Carer's Allowance: Eligibility - GOV.UK and potentially UC? How to apply for Universal Credit - Citizens Advice. Also, if your youngest is under 4, you can apply for a healthy start card which can help towards the cost of shopping How to apply – Get help to buy food and milk (Healthy Start).

How old is your oldest? Were they in school and you pulled them out or are they not school age/have never been in school?

I’m on UC and get carers it’s still a struggle as have my daughter at home full time and not working or getting maintenance and the cost of everything now I have to live off credit cards. She was taken out due to her disability and not coping wasn’t a choice as such but had no choice.

Similar circumstances.

We live a very basic lifestyle. No holidays, no car, rent, careful with food, clothes and utilities.

Ex has never paid maintenance and never will.
I worry what will happen when my dc grow up...

Did the council offer her alternative provision/alternative support? If not, get in touch with them if you think she could benefit from a SEN school/if you think this could be an option for her. Find your local council - GOV.UK.

thanks no they didn’t they said mainstream I’m appealing that but it’s a year away from now so not a quick fix by any means

Sorry to hear you are in the same situation, sounds very similar we literally live on the bare minimum just scraping by each month. Can’t go out this half term as simply got no money to take them anywhere.

I hear you. My exH conveniently disappeared so I can't track him to get maintenance from him. He hasn't contacted his own children in years (he blocked them on all communication channels).
So I've been dealing with everything on my own. It's extremely tough I won't lie. I don't have any advice 😞 just that I hear you.. I'm furious that fathers do this! At times I just get so angry that a "father" would walk away from his own children. Not only do they live with knowing that their father has abandoned them, but their standard of living is affected.
I knew his work colleagues years ago and he was one of the "I love my kids so much" types.
I also find that people don't understand how upsetting this is. I've had people say "I get hardly any maintenance anyway", "you're better off without him"...that's not the point!

Yeah it really frustrates me I was told to work more yet I can’t as my daughter is disabled and not able to attend school, I’m trying to fight for the right place for her but that hasn’t been easy and has taken years so it’s not a case of working more hours as I can’t leave her alone and no family to have her and why shouldn’t the father be expected to pay.

100% agree with you. There is absolutely no support to go after these dead beat fathers. No repercussions for them.
I already work full time. What am I supposed to do? Work more?

I got myself into debt thinking I’d just pay it back once DD moved out for uni. It’s not insurmountable debt and I don’t necessarily regret it because it kept us going, but if I could go back I would have done some things differently.

But besides the debt (like I said it really wasn’t on any extravagance) I just lived/live very minimally. Public transport, no holidays for the most part (twice in 9 years), very little spending on myself. It was miserable.

I’d be wary about cutting too much back on yourself though because it will wear you down. I’m now learning about how important self-care is.

I DO get maintenance: something ridiculous like £11 a month via CMS.
I'm on UC and PIP. I'm applying for DLA for the youngest of my twin 7 year olds, but have yet to send off the form.
We just lead a very basic lifestyle. No holidays, days out are rare unless heavily subsidised.
Money is a constant source of anxiety to me - it keeps me up at night - but the twins are still of an age where they don't notice that we're 'poor'.
I never see friends, family etc, as I allocate every penny possible for things to do with the girls.
Our furniture - especially bedroom furniture - is falling apart, but I just can't afford to replace it.
But, it's not an unhappy life!

Get the DLA forms sent off asap. Make sure you detail everything that makes day to day life and care different to that of a ‘typical’ girl her age. If she’s having to be home schooled due to disabilities I can’t see how she wouldn’t meet the criteria. Ask old school/any professionals involved to also provide evidence.

If she’s having is awarded you’ll get the DLA to help with her day to day care needs but you’ll also be able to apply for careers element of universal credit and have extra money for a disabled child (depending on the DLA level awarded)

DLA takes ages so much better to get the paperwork in ASAP. If you’re waiting on a diagnosis, (it isn’t awarded on diagnosis just care needed above a ‘typical’ child) evidence from a professional etc. this can all be sent off after you send off the original paperwork is sent off and logged in the system.

Also days out may be a little easier as you can apply for cards/schemes as you’ll be classsed as dd carer so will get reduced rates

@SilviaSnuffleBumalso I’m sure you already are but ensure you’re claiming single occupancy on your council tax. Also if you’re on very low income check what else you can be entitled to, lots of utilities/broadband etc do special rates

Thanks so much for all the advice, @owlyboo. 💚

My kids have never been on holiday they are teens now so they do realise we are the poor family which is hard. Dla has helped but with the cost of living it’s still extremely tight and dd has arfid which means we have to buy certain brands/ products which can be expensive

I don’t have any advice, but just wanted to say how much I admire women like you. I cannot begin to believe how hard it must be managing on such a tight budget.