My 6 year old refuses to see her dad face to face

[Mum19956]

My daughter (who will be 7 in a few months) is refusing to see her dad. She has never known us to be a couple (broke up when I was pregnant), from 2 years old she would spend time with him every week, from 4 years old she'd spend 2 nights every single week with him. Less than a week after her 5th birthday he then moved back home (France, both me and my daughter live in the UK) which has really affected my daughter. Alot has happened within the last almost 2 years regarding how it has affected her, I have always voiced my concerns to her dad but he very regularly ignores my messages, when I do get a reply it's usually 'it's hard for me too'. Last year he came back to visit her 3 times which she was happy about until the December visit. She was on the phone to me crying her eyes out begging me to come home, she'd only been with him for a couple hours. I persuaded her to spend at least the night with him then to come home the next day which she agreed to. That was the last time she seen him in person.

Fast forward to the recent Easter holidays, we'd arranged dates for him to see my daughter, the closer the dates got the more she told me she didn't want to see him. One day she had been communicating with him through my phone then later that evening ran to me sobbing her heart out telling me she didn't want to see him, asking me if she had to and if she could come home whenever she wanted to. Then comes the day of his flight over here, he sent a picture from the airplane window, when she seen it she ran to me with the most panicked look on her face crying her eyes out asking me why he's still coming as she didn't want to see him. Seeing the distress it was causing her I told him that I'm not forcing her to see him, I barely got a response back. She was adamant that she didn't want to see him, I'm aware that she is only 6 years old but I know my daughter and if something is going to cause her that much distress then I'm simply not going to force her to do anything. I gave her options to only spend one night with him or even just a couple hours through the daytime which she point blank refused to do.

I have sat down and had talks with her about her dad multiple times, everytime the conversation ends with her asking to stop talking about him as it's making her upset which I respect. I feel like the reason she doesn't want to see him is that she knows he is going to leave again and she doesn't want to feel that pain all over again. The reason I think this for is because about 2 months ago I was going to work and she'd gotten upset saying that she doesn't want me to leave her like her dad has. I reassured her as much as I could, it absolutely broke my heart. She keeps telling me that she doesn't know why she doesn't want to see her dad but she just doesn't, she has said that she is upset that he lives in France and not in the UK where we are, she's asked me if she can call my boyfriend dad, last week she told me that she doesn't love her dad then listed the names of everyone that she loves then the latest was 2 nights ago when she told me she never wanted to see her dad again. I communicated this with her dad but as usual he's left me on read.

My daughter is more than happy to communicate with him over the phone but point blank refuses to see him in person and I just don't know what to do about it. Myself and her dad got into an argument over this, he can't seem to understand the distress all of this has caused her, he thinks I'm in her ear talking bad about him when all I've ever tried to do is encourage their relationship. He tries to buy her love by attempting to persuade her with gifts which doesn't work. I'm obviously the bad one in his eyes which I really couldn't care less about, I'm just at my witts end with it all. My daughter will not leave my side more so within the last month, she craves a father figure so bad which thankfully her grandad is very present in her life as well as my boyfriend. I know that sometimes arrangements like this work for some families but it isn't the case with us, her dad can't understand that. I warned him before he left that it would have an impact on their father daughter relationship, obviously I couldn't have stopped him from leaving but I'll never understand how anyone could leave their child especially when they're so present in their life.

My daughter is very much affected by all of this, her actions and words have shown me this. I am trying to do all that I can do but I'm all out of idea's. I'm not sure if anyone here has been through something similar but any advice would be greatly appreciated 🙏 where do I go from here? I do not want to force her to see him due to the amount of distress and anxiety she shows, going from spending 3 days every single week with him to then only 3 times a year has impacted her so much but he is oblivious to this. He barely responds to me but is happy enough to respond when it's my daughter messaging although often leaves her on read for days regardless of her voicing to him that it upsets her when he does that. Please any suggestions, help/advice 🙏

It sounds like ex is the only one who can change things but is refusing to consider that you might be right about the relationship being changed by his move because it means that he’s made a mistake. There is a stereotype that every time the relationship between father and child becomes rocky then it’s because the mother is slagging off the father. My ex threw that accusation at me even though our other kids were seeing him and saying that I wasn’t.
I think that yanbu to prioritise dd’s feelings over your ex’s. My children went through periods of not seeing dad and are now adults who are NC, VLC and LC with him because he prioritised his life over theirs on many occasions. Obviously I had no influence over that and let them vent.

Let him come to collect her.. If she doesn't want to go and he can see her response she stays home. He can have Cafcass find out why. Will be his own fault won't it?

It's so frustrating to be made out to be the bad one when I am the only parent still here fully present in her life doing absolutely everything I can. I've told him on countless occasions that he just has to deal with the consequences of his own actions because he is the one who decided to leave. I can understand wanting to move home but I recently found out that one of the reasons he went back for is due to him getting into a relationship although he will deny it of course. I am 100% putting my daughters feelings first, regardless of my own feelings towards him (we have never had a good relationship) I would never stop her from having a relationship with her dad if that's what she wants but I also refuse to force it when it's something she doesn't want. I know that she's young but she's so head strong and she knows her own mind.

I genuinely don't feel like he will ever recognise that he's the one at fault. I understand wanting to lead your own life ect but surely being a parent comes before anything else. He keeps saying that he will move back to the UK as if he's gone longer than 5 years i think he'll not be able to come back but I just don't see that happening.

Next time I might just say to him to turn up and see for himself how she reacts as I know he doesn't believe me, I'm not sure what kind of affect that could potentially have on my daughter though

Well clearly she was happy going there when it was regular contact and now he’s moved away she’s not comfortable anymore. That’s really on him. I wouldn’t force her to go stay over but would she agree to go out for a few hours with him then come home? He may just need to see her for a couple hours each day.

I do agree that she's not comfortable anymore, she's told me that it feels strange. Both me and her dad suggested she just spends a few hours with him during the daytime then come back home but she point blank refused again. I think the only other idea that I have would be if I'm there during the visits as me being there might make her feel abit more comfortable then go from there&see what happens

Maybe arrange an activity with all three of you? You should both be prepared to do this to protect her sense of security... Let her redevelop a relationship with her dad at her own pace.

If this refusal to see him continues, I'd be wondering if there is something else going on and look a bit deeper

She doesn't know him. He's not present or consistent in her life. It's like sending her to hace overnights with a distant relative. I think overnight are our of the question. I'd suggest he does day trips with her. I think she would benefit from you going on the first day and the spending the next day alone with him. Realistically he lives in France not Mongolia. If he wanted to visit more often he would.

Bless her. I think you’re right, she doesn’t want to “keep” losing him. I wouldn’t be forcing her either. Suggest day trips/ few hours out. I have a horrible feeling though if that happens next time he’s over, he just won’t bother in the future. But that’ll be 100% on him. All you can do is keep reassuring her that you’ll be there for her.