Wwyd in this scenario?

[Stuck84]

I'm a single mum to a toddler. Father is not involved but does pay maintenance. I've moved a few hours away to my hometown to get my child away from him as he was a risk to my child's safety and information will likely come out about him soon that could create stigma for my child growing up in that area and I don't want that for them.

However, it's been a year and I still hate it here. I'm lonely and I miss my friends who live near my ex and while I've met some nice people it's all been quite superficial. Work is keeping me sane but there are core parts of my job I don't overly enjoy (i loved my previous job) and the late night hours mean I'm completely dependent on my parents for childcare. Other jobs in this area are few and far between.

I love my parents but we don't get on well and at times they can be quite toxic, my confidence has definitelytaken a knock being around them so much more and I'm quickly learning they've not changed a bit in the time I've been away (distance had improved our relationship). I have very few happy memories growing up here and I couldn't wait to get away when I turned 18. Being back now, and especially being dependent on them for anything feels like a failure. At the time when everything fell apart and I had to leave it seemed like the only sensible choice because I had no connections to anyone anywhere else.

I'm now in a position to buy a house and will soon need to start looking at primary schools for my child which will obviously tie me into an area. My question is if you were me would you stay where I am and just accept your lot in order to have some sense of family around my dc and obviously emergency childcare if needed. Or would you try to get another job and move somewhere else where you have noone and try to start again?

I'm just so scared of creating too much instability for my dc by moving too much and at the same time worried for myself sustaining a job as a lone parent if ds is sick and managing that while being reliable for work. But then a little bit of me feels like this is a now or never opportunity to create whatever life I want for us and I feel like I can't breathe here - I just have no idea what it would look like or where in the country it would be if I moved away again.

Honestly? You can’t go back to the past. You would be horrified to discover just how quickly ppl have moved on. Go somewhere new if you must. Begin again with a new slate. If your parents help out with your kid, it’s valuable, but only until they start getting between you two, or confusing your child about who is the parent.

"If your parents help out with your kid, it’s valuable, but only until they start getting between you two, or confusing your child about who is the parent."

This is where we are at currently. Constant undermining of my parenting, criticising everything I do as not how they would do it (which is funny because it certainly was not how they did it) and making emotionally manipulative comments to dc to get a dig in at me. Either way I'll have to look for a new job that is 9-5 and increase paid childcare hours because its not good for me or dc. Plus I don't want them having a key to my new house as I know they'd use it to go in and snoop when I'm not there.

Hey. I feel you I really do. I also moved back to my home town when my marriage ended, partly due to help with my 2 young children but also because my ex husband was abusive.
What i would say is you have clearly been through a very traumatic time. From reading your post you have talked about hating every aspect of where you live now but loving every aspect of where you came from. With great kindness I wander if some of this is fueled by the trama and maybe your resentful that you had to move. I hugely suspect if you moved back or even else where it really wouldn't be as you pictured it. I think what I'm trying to say is be careful that you haven't romanticised it and in turn you hate where you live.
Saying that I think you need to address the issues with your parents. For me finding a reliable childminder was 100% key. Often schools have a child minder that can drop and collect, again this was key for me. I also had a child minder for school holidays.
You sound as if you have done an amazing job of cracking on eith all the practical things in life, eg re located, new job, house etc etc. But I wander have you re received any counselling? Xx

I have been in counselling regularly since it all happened.

I totally take on board what you're saying about romantacising where I was. I think it was more that it was nice to have my friends and their kids nearby so I could meet up with them for a play date or they could call round for a coffee in the evening after ds went to bed type of thing. I don't have that any more though I need to rebuild that wherever I go as I know I can't go back.

My main issue is my parents really and the impact of their criticism and negativity. It brings me down so much and then ds isn't getting the best of me. When we're out together or my parents aren't home and it's just us doing our thing my head is in such a better place. I've just always made sure I never had to depend on them for anything since I was 18 because I know it always comes at a cost and with judgement of needing support so it's hard being near them again never mind having to actually rely on them for anything.

I've done the maths and I can afford to move in on my own and that doesn't take into account my stbxhs maintenance because I know I can't rely on that. But after only essentials it would only leave me about £150 to save at the end of each month which is a huge difference compared to what I can save now.

@TickingKey46 Can I ask, if there was anything that helped you reframe moving back to your hometown as a positive? I feel like I've failed and come back with my tail between my legs and it definitely is a source of shame for me as I so couldn't wait to get moved away before.

So your living with your parents? Omg that's so so hard. You almost become their little girl again, but with a child. Don't underestimate how hard this is. I did it for 2 years. I also have many friends who have moved back home.
If your not sure if you want to remine living there, take out a short term rent on a property, that will help you become more sure before you actually buy!
The mindset that moving back is because you have some how failed, is not correct. You have not failed at anything. Life has panned out in a different way than you expected. That in itself is hard to except. But there is no embarrassment or shame needed, it happens to many many people.
But to answer your question, I was lost for a long time (I also had to give up a job I loved), big house etc etc. But it was also a fresh start (probably only properly felt once I was no longer living back with family.
Being able to move around with out the fear of bumping into my ex husband, was huge. That was a massive driver for me.
I would honestly move out, rent somewhere. Put some boundaries in place regarding your parents. Start building a network, rg child minder so your less reliant on them. Do you claim any benefits? If you claim UC you can claim up to 70% of your child care cost back.
You have to try and find a way of moving your head forward with it all.

Thank you so much. I think you're right that if I can move into my own space I'll feel like I'm living again whereas at the moment I'm in limbo and you're exactly right in that they're trying to parent me while I don't really need to be parented again. I put in an application on a tenancy today which is super daunting but at least I'll know for sure if it's the living with them or the area or what and at the very least I'd actually have a bit of space and can feel more independent again. I do think it'll help my confidence. I hope everything is working out well for you now I'm really glad things are falling into place for you!