Sons dad moved abroad recently

[Ldn2D]

My sons dad has been in and out of his life for a while now, our relationship has been turbulent but very recently he decided to move 12 hours away on a plane, so literally across the world.

I don’t know how to navigate this, my son is 6. He said yesterday he doesn’t want to go and see him and that he understands he won’t see him very often. He said “oh I’ll just ring him” so he doesn’t seem that fazed that he’s gone. Dad keeps saying things like “oh when you come see me” on the phone but doesn’t make any plans with me.
i don’t have any dates that he’s planned to either come back or book for us to fly out there so I literally can’t tell my son when he will next see his dad.
dad doesn’t seem to care, I’ve tried to talk to him about my sons behaviour lately (showing signs of being angry and hurt and being challenging) and all I got back was abuse saying it’s all my fault and then ignored me.

He pays me £70 every week and has done for a long time, but I’m thinking this should probably be more seeing as he never has him now.

I just don’t know how to navigate this, I don’t feel like he should dip in and out of his life at his own choosing, and I’m struggling to do what’s right for the best. Dad doesn’t seem to care at all but I know my son wants to keep in contact with him. Should I just limit to calls?

It might help you to reframe this to yourself. You haven’t moved away, you are here caring for your child and doing your best for him. Your child is young and you feel a responsibility towards his feelings and to facilitate contact. You are probably horrified that your child’s parent would move so far away and show no interest. It is dreadful behaviour.

There is very little you can do, however, except be the parent that showed up, build a happy life, and be cheerful without being dismissive when your child talks about his father.

My ex moved to his home country in Europe within 2 weeks of us splitting. In the 5 years since he has seen the kids maybe 8 times, and hasn’t actually spoken to DS (now 14) since he was here at Xmas.

DS did go through a phase of being quite angry for a year or so when we first separated, but he told me recently he doesn’t want to see his dad because he doesn’t remember much about him being around, and doesn’t miss him.

speak to your DS’s school, they may be able to arrange counselling for him to help with his feelings, but he will also be looking to you for guidance on his emotions - try and stay calm and consistent when discussing his dad, and do NOT slag his dad off, no matter how pissed off you are with him! I would try and keep some sort of communication line open, even if it is just calls in case DS changes his mind when he is older.

and I would definitely review the amount his dad pays you!