what do people do when their kids go to see their dads???

[charlotte121]

Im just sat here feeling totally empty. I really struggle to look after ds alone but when he is with his dad overnight im like a zombie. I hate being away from him. I have loads of things that i could be getting on with but i feel quite upset that ds isnt here and have no motivation to do anything other than cry. (pathetic i know) What do the rest of you do when ur precious little angles go to see their dads and how can i motivate myself??? I really miss him. char x

Is there anyone you can visit? I share care with exdh but mine are 7 and 10. Is your ds younger?
Is this a new thing him staying over?

I wish my ex would have all my children at once.
I would make up my hours at work, do lots of (paid) overtime. then I would go out for a long browse around teh shops, trying everything in the shop on. And spend about 3 hours in the bookshop. then I would go to the cinema to see a grown up film. then I would go out dancing.

sigh. Its all just fantasy, dd doesnt even visit him any more.

ds is 11 months. He has stayed over at his dads a few times but i hate it. I feel miserable when hes not here. Sounds really sad for a 20 yr old to say this but i really dont have any friends. My older sis is busy and my mums at work all of my m8s are away at uni so i only have friends in the holidays lol.
Its not that new, it just doesnt happen very often. Its weird as ds stays at my sisters quite often and i can cope with that... but i usually have tea there, put him to bed and end up staying till late which results in me coming home and going straight to bed.
I think its the fact that he's off playing happy familys with ex and his new partner. I should be relishing the rest as im due to have another baby in 2 weeks time, but it makes me incredibly restless. I feel really stupid for feeling like this. I think maybe its down to the fact that life is very difficult, i have too much to cope with and ds is what keeps me going, he's what i get up for in the morning. so without him here...whats the point???

no wonder you're down hun, he's only a baby and off with ex and his new partner.
Soon you will be relishing it though when you have another baby and it'll be nice for him too.
Get some rest, watch some rubbish tv, eat a nice bar of choccie ...just enjoy it

have you got a partner?

I know you're feeling at a loss, but I would honestly love to have this 'problem'!

Best I ever get is when my son goes to scout camp for the weekend. I never have enough time to get everything done on the few days that he is not here (one weekend twice a year at most).

When he went last weekend I decided to relax rather than rush round doing things. So I dropped him off friday evening, went to the local pottery painting place and painted for 3 hours, next day I did some gardening in the morning, went to London to visit a friend and his daughter who I hadn't seen for 12 months, did some leisurely shopping on the way home, then had a lovely peaceful dinner in the garden with which I had a glass of wine (first one this year) and yes I did reflect on teh fact it would be nicer to be able to share the time with a partner but enjoyed it never the less.

Then I watched exactly what I wanted on the tv and went to bed without worrying about having to get up early. Sunday I had a lie in, went to visit another friend in the morning, did a few essential chores, mowed the grass before going to pick him up from scout camp at lunch time.

In all honesty I could really do with another weekend (or several) to myself sometime. Then I might get some of the chores done that I didn't get sorted this time, like filing paperwork, sorting out the photos that need to go into albums, emailing his grandparents in america, finish painting his bedroom that I started last summer, having some kind of social life so that I might be able to find myself that partner to share my peaceful meal inteh garden with next time...

I suggest that next time your ds is away that you write yourself a list of things that need doing, or that you'd like to do. Decide which you are going to do (watch that soppy film, or clean out the kitchen cupboards, or go out to a bar or speed dating with a couple of mates maybe). Find a friend you can 'impose' yourself on if you think you'll end up moping. Make sure you have a glass of wine or other treat to look forward too. And try and enjoy a bit of you time.

Hope you feel better soon
Gilly

I will find out the anser to this next week, as xp is finally going to start having our 3 dc every Friday night.

I suspect that I will feel just like you Charlotte, at least for a while anyway.

I spose it will get better once i have had this baby. I cant wait to be able to let my hair down a little bit. I just miss ds terribly thats all. we do everything together, and like i said at the moment i dont really have any friends which is quite depressing.
I have a mountain of university assignments calling me but i think im gonna wallow a little longer and then go out to tesco. Perhaps if i get out of the house it will clear my head and treat myself to something nice for dinner.
gillybean- would love a glass of wine but will have to wait untill baby is born to endulge in that one
I dont have a partner as Im heavely pregnant so no man in their right mind would be interested in me... especially in the state im in. I really need a hair cut plus i dnt think it would be very appropriate for me to move on to another relationship whilst being pregnant and also after coming out of such a serious relationship. Ex is a plonker who drives me mad most of the time but i honestly thought he was the guy i was gonna marry and settle down with... he got me pg twice he just isnt good at the relationship part. Anyways... im gonna go get me some ben and jerrys. Those fella's always cheer me up! thanks for the understanding ears Its nice to have someone to talk to, i feel very isolated and on my own ever since me and ex split. Have mooved away from family and i dnt know anyone in the area. char x

I sometimes catch up with my jobs, but more often than not, make myself a cup of tea, sit watching what I want on the TV, rather than Sponge Bob etc, or spend some time on the PC.

A time wil come when you'll actually enjoy the break from being a mum, and the chance to do some grown-up fun stuff. It's going to feel worse now because you're PG and tired and hormonal and can;t actually get up to much.
It's really good that your XP is involved in his DS life and hopefully will be involved with the new baby when he/she comes as well: some blokes make crap partners but good co-parents.

Agree, madamez!

Charlotte Im like you without my dd its like having my arms chopped off dont get me wrong sometimes I would love a break but TBH its very difficult adjusting to not having her around - for the last 7 yrs (when we were together) he did nothing with her it was all down to me) so when shes not around nagging and whining its very quiet - yes peacefull but just doesnt seem right. I do enjoy goingdoingthe weekly shop mind without the nagging for other bits of food unecessary stuff etc etc - I think If i had the money I would go shopping and treat myself but then again whats the point I never go anywhere as Ive got madam around - My dd doesnt go overnight as yet as shes still having night terrors and I dont feel shes ready - (and tbh Id rather she not see him at all - Im afraid Im in a btter and twisted place at the mo - I will come out of it but it will take time) Good luck with everything Im sure you are coping better than a lot of us

When my son is with my ex (which is all but a few hours a week including a 14 week period I didn't see him at all), I:

1.) Sat up all night and didn't sleep.
2.) Lost lots of weight through not eating and drinking.
3.) Sat in a dark room with the radio and TV off.
4.) Was very miserable.
5.) Felt (and still feel) guilty if I ever enjoyed myself.
6.) Felt like I was a parent and had been stopped being one by a malicious ex.
7.) Wondered if I had missed his first word, first step and everything else like that.

Practical stuff I've done? Worked, exercised, done a lot of reading and trying to rebuild my life.

I'm four years down the line and still cannot get used to my children (4 & 6) going to their dads...they are only just starting to have overnight stays due to night terrors and other problems. It took me a long time to not cry in front of them...but I now smile, look happy and wish them a good weekend etc for their sakes ...which is the hardest thing in the world for me. I then cry when I close the door....sometimes I cope but find it better to spend time on my own as I tend to be really down and that gets passed onto family and friends, so best I keep it to myself. I usually just end up doing chores that seems to whittle the time away quite quickly but I do clock watch on the day they return. (I'm in my forties and have friends but mostly married so they are busy doing what families do at weekends and that's when I find I'm the loneliest)

I honestly believe it depends on what sort of person you are and what kind of relationship you have with your children....I hate time away from mine, they dont even stay with family or friends for long...It just makes me happy to spend time with them and enjoy every moment of them growing up. My sister is the complete opposite to me and can't wait for her ds (6) to go to his fathers and gives him more access to suit her...her view is she wants plenty of 'me' time and seems happier without him in my opinion....he often craves attention and questions whether she actually loves him????! which is a little sad.

Each to their own, I wouldn't condemn anyone for the way they feel happiest but I do think that those that can cope with less time with their children do not understand the way those that want to spend lots of time with their children feel.

Sorry but I don't know what the answer is...there does seem to be lots of us that feel the same way and that's good to know we aren't the only ones......{{Hugs}} to everyone.

After a year of overnight stays I still feel a bit adrift without the children but have got to the point where I can (sometimes) look back on the weekend and say I enjoyed it. I try to plan to do something a bit different each weekend, even if it is just going for a swim or visiting a particular shop I have read about. Don't like spending all day home alone, so I try to get out even if it's just to spend half an hour with a coffee and a newspaper. Learning is a great way to spend the time. Playing a musical instrument is for me a good way to relax. I agree it is hard to get motivated. I think you just have to make yourself do stuff even if you don't feel like it at first. Hope this helps.

Er, am i the only one who loves it when my kids go away????!!
They go every friday night til Sunday night, and then my other life begins!
i really make the most of it, from hours of browsing round the shops, to clubbing/drinking til 6am and sleeping all through the next day, to curling up with a good book.. i could go on!

At first it felt weird, but i couldnt imagine having them all weekend, i wouldnt know what to do with them any more!

No you're not, AGBU. I love having time to myself to do what I want to do - be it going out with my boyfriend, meeting with friends, putting on music (rather than cbeebies!) & getting on with bits in the house, or just relaxing in front of the TV & doing nothing!

No, I blardy love it when xh has the smalls, but then I have 3 teenage daughters at home and we party, or else I go and visit my DP at his house. What I don't do is work, as WiiMii says.

I think you are suffering from a lack of choice at the moment Char. As madamez says, when you feel up to doing more, and are no longer pregnant, perhaps you will enjoy it more. But you need the friends to go out with too. Will your sister be available when yo do want to go out?

And don't feel a bit jealous about xdp and his new gf. You know she's only got what you had, and he wasn't worth having sweetheart.

Phew, thank god you said that AGBU and PC, I was beginning to get worried there- I also love it when ex has DD, and I do exactly the same as you guys