Am I a bad mum for needing a break?

[TiredAllTheTime12]

Hi,
I'm a single parent to a happy, beautiful, funny, kind and caring 7 year old.

I am a lone parent as I left my daughter's father 2 years ago due to his abusive behaviour. He has been in and out of her life ever since, and has now completely disowned her after I asked him to not book over time at work on the weekends (4 days) that he was supposed to spend with her.

My main childcare support is my mum, dad and elderly nan (though nan is a very last resort due to her age)

I have recently started a new job which is full time (My previous job was term time only and I left due to poor treatment and bad management). The only reason I took this job was after speaking to my mum about the childcare aspect during the holidays. She said it would be absolutely fine and we would work it out, so I felt comfortable leaving my term time only job to persuade something more exciting... turned out to be a big mistake.

The Easter holidays just passed and last week, in my new job, my mother called me in tears saying I need to come straight to her house as my daughter was asking for her mum and she didn't know what to do. She has her on quite a regular basis and some weekends so I can have some time to myself but she has never done this before.

That morning, my daughter was offered to have a sleep over at her friend's. I asked her if she wanted to go and she said yes. This completely set my mum off.
She started screaming at me saying I don't spend enough time with my daughter. She even went as far as to call my nan and tell her that she must say no if I ask for help with childcare.

I explained that I had lots of plans over the weekend with her, that I am parenting all on my own and I do sometimes need a break. As mentioned, my previous partner was abusive and very controlling so I was not allowed to go out or spend time with friends. I now have a new partner who I know from my teenage years who i absolutely adore and have become very good friends with the people we used to go to college with which is absolutely amazing for me. I like to take time to spend with my friends which is how I blow of steam/relax, or sometimes I will just spend the day doing absolutely nothing with my partner which is absolute bliss to have a bit of quiet time away from the constant rush of my life.

I dp my absolute best to be the best mum I can for my daughter but it feels like it is never good enough and if I need a break to unwind and reset myself, I'm being called a bad parent (this is not the first time my mum has done this either)

So I suppose my question is, am I a bad mum for needing a bit of time away from my child to relax and be with my friends?

It sounds like you and your Mum have different views on your 'me time'. It does sound as if you have rather a lot of it and your family obviously help out a lot.
We all need a break now and then but revert ing back to your college days and mates and new boyfriend when you have a child is maybe a little too much for your family to contend with.

Your mum is potentially my age(I am /was single parent to four from aged 3 years youngest now 21)
There was no such thing as"me time" then you were just expected to get on with it. I think having a life(unlike me) and time to your self can only make you a better parent, perhaps give you more patience and able to focus more when you are with your child.
I think your mum is unreasonable to now move the goal posts when she said she would help with child care.
It is a nightmare sorting child care out over the summer, and expensive. Can you plan now for the summer and look for a child minder or clubs where you might be able to claim costs back through UC or something?
Good luck and keep seeing your friends where possible, you deserve a life whatever your mum thinks. 💕

My mother also has no clue about 'me time' and I have, in her eyes, been a parent who doesn't spend enough time with the children since day dot. She is punishing you by withdrawing childcare. I am sorry this is happening; mine did the same. I used a club every single day one summer for two children and had to slide out of work an hour early each day to collect them, and despite the leaving early being my lunch break, I got a reprimand from my workplace. It is a nightmare. Can you make up with your mother enough to get over Summer and try going lower contact with her generally so she is not so involved in your life?

I work full time, have an engaged and helpful partner, and I struggle. It's the lack of "on my own" time and quiet. My daughter, a colleague or my husband is always there, needing something.

So I don't think you are being unreasonable.

How dare your mother lash out at you like that? Screaming at you isn't a normal reaction, even if she is concerned that your daughter merits more of your time and attention.

Your post does suggest you might be getting more than the occasional few hours to yourself, though. So maybe the balance isn't quite right?

This is one where you should be steered by the quality of relationship with your daughter, not by what someone else thinks.

Fingers crossed you can sort childcare for the summer.

I absolutely do not think it's unreasonable to have a break at all. How often over the last 4 weeks has your mum had your DC? It may be that it's too much for her - have you gone out quite a lot recently? I think it's great you are reconnecting with friends but if it's a little too often your mum may feel put up on. My mum helps me out loads when I work so I don't generally ask at the weekends - I'll get a babysitter or ask another family member u less it's desperate.

or sometimes I will just spend the day doing absolutely nothing with my partner

This is a massive luxury when you have a child... whether you're a lone parent or not.

This depends a lot on how often this is happening.

Having time for yourself is important, but if it’s a constant it’s probably wearing down your mother. She accepted to help you with additional child care on the basis of your new job, not so you could have time to play pretend that you’re childfree. I would bet that’s what’s pissing her off.

Again, this depends a lot on how often this is going on.