Daughter asking how to explain absent dad to friends

[outthereandbeyond]

So I’m a solo mum. alone alone. Dd biological dad (my ex) left when I was pregnant. Turned and after all we discussed didn’t want a child anymore.

anyway, I’ve always been honest with dd. Giving her the clean cut version “he wasn’t ready to be a dad” etc.

now my daughter is 8, She’s having trouble explaining his absence to her friends! I don’t really know what she can say as the kids keep asking, and she just fumbles that she has one but he doesn’t live with us, and is basically navigating the world of nosy children who won’t give it a rest. I’ve tried telling her she has nothing to be ashamed of, but in her friend group they all have dads in some way.

is there anyone who has older children who know how to handle this? I don’t mean feom
toung children perspective but older

This is hard op, it's so difficult for kids to feel 'different ' from their peers and its also sometimes hard for kids to respond empathetically..

I'd encourage her to just practice a line she uses like "my dad isn't involved but I'm OK with it because I have my mum" or "sure families come in all shapes and sizes this is just what mine looks like" and then change the subject. Maybe getting her to firstly think about how she does think and feel about her dad and his absence and her family set up in general might help her find the words so they're coming from her.

My kids are older and don't see their dad due to a no contect order, due to his behaviour. My kids just say , we have a dad but don't see him!

I used to say”I don’t know my dad” - at 8 it was difficult as kids would tease. All I’d ever known was life without a dad so I did wonder.

As a teen I said my Dad didn’t want to know me and that’s fine because I don’t want to know him either. In reality I did want to find out who he was but after my mom told me the truth of what he was like I decided I didn’t need to know him.

As an adult if asked I just say it was just me and my mom growing up and it was for the best.

Wow. Thanks for the insight. Have you ever met him as an adult or did he ever reach out to you? So hard to navigate

Stating to her friends how it is but also stating how DD feels about it and how DD feels about discussing it with them will help her friends know whether to keep asking about her Dad.

She should not feel stigma.
It's okay to say that her Dad left, when and why and that she wishes that she does know him, but she doesn't and that talking about him makes her feel uncomfortable.
'So I'm not going to say anything more. It's sad but I don't know him. I'll let you know if I ever meet him,'

My daughter was with her friend when she incidentally met her Dad for the first time at a funeral. Because my daughter knew of the circumstances, she was able to be appropriately supportive. It'snot so bad that your kid's friends know some things about her Dad.

My son has a friend whose dad didn’t want involved. She used to say she had a dad but he wasn’t ready to be a dad so she didn’t see him. I always tell my kids families are all different and that’s okay.

Surely "I don't see my dad" plus "all families are different" and explanation of who does live at home is more than enough in this day and age.

Do you know the parents? At 8 I think it would be acceptable to reach out to them and explain the situation and ask them to have a quiet chat with the kids so they know and don’t bring it up again, if that’s what she would rather - but equally as a previous poster has said teaching her it’s okay to feel all these emotions and be conflicted is absolutely fine and normal and sharing that can be a very positive thing. There’s a lot of emphasis to “be fine” about something publically when realistically it can be much healthier to stand up and say ‘my dad left before I was born, it makes me sad to think about it but mom and I are very happy together’ or however she really feels. Possibly a good chance to discuss it with her - IS she sad about it? Does she even care? Etc etc.

I would let school know. In our school they would do a planned activity like an assembly and address this type of issue in a non personal way as part of a larger subject discussion so none of the children felt singled out or embarrassed.

Did none of your ex’s family want contact either? Or did they never know. It is hard for children to not know about their biological family even if they’re never active parents. Do you think your daughter is actually telling you she’s finding it hard as I would be surprised if other kids repeatedly asked. Do you have any old photos of him you can show her? I know there is plenty of literature out there for families with adoption, surrogacy, fostering etc or when a parent has died, I would have thought there would be advice and books for kids when a parent has absented themselves from their child’s life. I would seek this advice out.

But also be reassured that prevailing opinion is that children need just one person in their lives who’s face genuinely lights up with love every time they see them to develop robust resilience.

I was very open with DC about their absent father. I told them that one day when he was ready he might come back to get to know them and be a parent, but until then we were a fine team on our own. They don't have to explain it more than once, so if she's already done that she likely won't need to again for a while until new school/club comes along. Mine used to say "we don't know him" or "we don't have one around". It honestly isn't the first thing that comes up in most situations and they and friends often forget. It did resurface a bit around 10-13 when other kids parents began divorcing, but in the sense they come to DC for advice as someone similar.

My DS just used to say he never met him.
To be fair he grew up with A LOT of people saying how terrible it was his dad walked away so my son was in doubt it was down to his father not me or him.

I've always been positive about his dad and pointed out his he gets some mannerisms, height and good looks from him.

DS has never said he wants to meet his dad but he is in contact with other family members on that side which is nice.

My ex stopped seeing dd1 when she was 5 , it’s such a tricky area . She was also dropped by his entire extended family. I really feel for you both .

@outthereandbeyond nope I’ve never met him.
I know his brother through family friends but I couldn’t spot my dad in a crowd unless he was pointed out to me.
from what I know- it would be more of a hassle to have him in my life than not having him.

i know my worth- why should I want to make an effort for someone who never bothered with me.

Oh poor wee poppet. I always feel it must be much harder on the child than a parent that has never been around as it must feel much more personal that they could walk away from the child than 'just' the other adult who is pregnant. It doesn't stop me thinking both lots are wankers though!!

@outthereandbeyond

I agree with some of the other posters who say to talk to DD because it feels like she's trying to tell you something, or ask you something.

Either way, it would be good to help her talk through her feelings about it so she can explain to others the situation and how she feels, it's very unusual for children to ask again once they have been told.

Ouch. That’s so hard! How does a human do that to their child. So hard to comprehend.