Any advice on feeling angry at my teen

[Mimosifolia]

If you have words of wisdom, please share as I feel really sad and angry all at the same time.

I'm a lone Mum of three, they don't see their Dad at all and we are far away from any family. I work in a demanding job to pay for house and life, not a pace I'd keep up if I wasn't doing all this by myself. I feel permanently exhausted physically and mentally, and resilience is low atm.

My three kids, aged between 14 and 8, are lovely and have learned over the last few years to pitch in, they're usually all great at helping with dishes, washing and cooking and do these tasks with me.

I'm struggling with the attitude shown recently by the eldest, who is stereotypical teen and doesn't want to leave his room, engage with his family or lift a finger. This drives me crackers as I dont want to raise him to be a man-child who thinks relationships are one way ie he just takes from people with no need to consider giving back. He doesn't acknowledge the sacrifices I make for him, how hard I work to fund our lifestyle, how bloody hard it is to be a single parent and not date, just give up being a human being other than existing to serve everyone else.

He is 14, I know still a child, but I can't accept he gets to be so ungrateful.

Have saved really hard to fund a great holiday and trying to pack today, but he wouldn't bother to get his own clothes out for me to put in the suitcase and was rude to me, saying I'd wasted money buying him clothes anyway as he just wants to wear a football shirt. Aaaaargh.

Ive told him this is unacceptable. I'm supposed to be taking him and his friend to the cinema this afternoon and I'm fuming and also just feel ridiculously miserable.

Any advice from other lone parents who have managed to get through resentment for being the one left behind to deal with it all? Mostly I just feel really sad.

You grit your teeth and remember he’s still a child and teenagers are self absorbed and can be absolutely vile at times. He won’t be considering things like how hard you work etc until he’s a bit older.
There should be consequences for bad behaviour though- for example I would be making it clear that the cinema trip is not happening unless packing is done, which means helping to get his stuff ready.

My DD is now 20 and generally lovely but I really struggled throughout her teens (covid and multiple lockdowns didn’t help) and still do to some extent. There’s just this entitlement with teens, they don’t understand the amount of work and effort that goes into ticking things along daily. It’s relentless for single parents.

I agree with PP, make sure there are consequences. For the most part I didn’t because I was trying to overcompensate and all I did was run myself to the ground. It’s been very difficult to “make” my DD grow up, she still feels very stuck in the entitled teen mode.

Nearly all teens are self absorbed and ungrateful.

it doesn’t mean they will be like it as adults. Most grow out of it fairly fast.

do less for him. Spend less money on him.

you will feel less resentful.

if you do need him to do stuff then I found a title for tat approach helpful - so if you pack your suitcase I’ll consider giving you a lift type thing.

I’d try to keep it in proportion - something I struggle with at times! I’m also a lone parent and I struggled for years with a lot of anger about being left to do everything by myself after H left very suddenly, so have done a lot of work on feeling my anger and not taking it out on my DC.

I think there might be a bit of untangling to do - what’s yours and what’s his? The two seem to be getting a bit muddled.

It’s not his problem that you’re a single mum, have worked hard to pay for the holiday etc - these are your burdens to bear, choices made etc. You need to find your own support network and way of dealing with your feelings for your stuff.

You’re right, he does (like any child/teen) need to learn to look after himself - and if he learns that well, as an adult he’ll develop into being able to look after others well and empathise with others.

So keep it real. Don’t expect him to empathise with you - that's not developmentally appropriate - and don’t guilt trip him about decisions you’ve made, like working hard to spend on a holiday. If you don’t want to treat him to a holiday, don’t. But do expect to have to explain to him that he needs to help out around the house, he needs to pick up after himself, and it would be nice if he could think about others sometimes.

And amongst all this, look after yourself! If there are decisions you’ve made that you’re feeling resentful about, learn the lesson and get to know better what you’re happy to give without strings to others and what you’re not. Try to be conscious of when you’re expecting things in return and communicate very clearly about what you’re expecting, so the other person can say yes/no to the strings. It’s okay to not bend over backwards for everybody. Kids will survive without a cinema trip.

PS yes it is really sad having been left to deal with it all. And hard work. Be kind to yourself

Thank you for the great pieces of advice and the support as well.

Lone parenting is really hard and we keep going because we love our children and sacrifice willingly for them. When it gets thrown back at you and no gratitude for the work, it might be normal as they're teens, but it's still poor behavior and it's still hurtful. It taps into the deep vein of resentment which (you're right) is towards their Dad and not them.

I chose to have three kids with a great person, I didn't choose for him to have a psychological breakdown. Those were not my choices and dealing with feeling angry when tired and miserable isn't easy.

Give him a budget for clothes and help him choose how to spend it. They can get very particular about clothes.

He gets clothes as birthday and Christmas presents.

(Christmas stockings also have things in like toothpaste new toothbrush favourite deodorant etc, stationery for school.)

Remember that his brain is going to go into a "rewire phase" and he is full of swirling hormones. This is not pleasant for him either. It will be over soon. (By the time he is 25 but the worst is only a couple of years)

He is unable to read emotions in faces and often sees anger where it is not. Reassure him.

Use I get cross/upset/disappointed when this happens statements.

Talk to him while he is in the car or you are doing stuff together.

Praise him for the stuff he does do. (Tell him he is getting grown up and responsible and you are proud of him.)

Try not to take it personally when he is horrid. You are his safe space. Do talk to him well after the fact about how it makes people feel though. (He needs time for the adrenaline to leave the system)

Give lots of hugs. They still need them.

Practise using a calm voice with them. It only makes it worse when you lose your temper. (Experience talking) However, don't give yourself a hard time if you do as you are only human too and they do have to know that some things go too far.

Choose your hills to die on. They are not all worth it.

Try and let him be around older males . (School , sports club, hobbies) It helps keep young ones testosterone in check. (There was some study or other ages ago I remembered but don't know which one)

I think @TheSassyAmberNewt has nailed it really. Great post.

Lone parent of 3 kids too - mine are out the other side a bit now.

Things in addition to those that have already been posted that helped me.

Books about the teenage brain - so little of it is personal - it's all about them and their development.

Understanding that they have their own thoughts, feelings and sense of loss about being raised in a lone parent household. They do notice you working hard for them - but they also miss having a dad around, two parents and the benefits that brings. That's something they talked to each other a lot about.

14-16 was the toughest time with my boy - things we both learnt were to avoid adding everything to an argument, not matching their emotions which go up far faster than mine - but come down much quicker too and walking and talking or driving and talking. Punishments and consequences were discussed and debated frequently with only the most extreme - grounding- for the most serious offences!

For me I made sure I had a life, friends and recharged in ways thet filled my cup even by a little bit. Walks with mates, booking a babysitter, online shopping, breakfast for tea some days.

It can be a real slog but you will come out the other side.