Question for the men please! Or mums who have been through the same!

Daydreambeliever88 · 2025-04-02T17:51:42+00:00

So, I am interested in this guy, and he doesn’t have any children of his own, I have two. We are both in our 30s, I don’t really know him I’ve only spoken to him a few times. Lots of people are saying that he probably wouldn’t go for me because he would choose someone who doesn’t have any children already rather than taking on someone else’s. Has anyone else experienced this, not finding love again because you already have children? I don’t know if this guy likes me or anything anyway and not sure how I would find out, but I’ve really started to doubt myself now since talking with others and having a lot of them say they think he’d rather someone without children. Thank you for reading! Appreciate any replies 🫶🏻

GuinnessMug · 02/04/2025 19:00

I was a single man with no children and when I met now DW, she had 2 already. We got married and had a third.

In the reverse, my friend was a single dad with 2 children, and met a woman with no children. They married but didn't have any together.

If he likes you, then he likes you and having children already shouldn't be an issue, although I will be honest, it was difficult for me at first to adjust to a new lifestyle.

Original poster

Daydreambeliever88 · 02/04/2025 19:06

GuinnessMug · 02/04/2025 19:00

I was a single man with no children and when I met now DW, she had 2 already. We got married and had a third.

In the reverse, my friend was a single dad with 2 children, and met a woman with no children. They married but didn't have any together.

If he likes you, then he likes you and having children already shouldn't be an issue, although I will be honest, it was difficult for me at first to adjust to a new lifestyle.

The whole thing about a new lifestyle is what makes me think. It must be difficult going from no children or responsibilities, to then taking on two from someone else. I just often find myself sitting and wondering if I will always be alone. I mean I’m happy with my life, my kids are great, I have a lovely job and home, but of course I want someone to share all that with and I just feel like I’ll never have that sometimes

OP posts:

Crushed23 · 02/04/2025 19:12

I work with someone who has 3 children and married a man who has no children after her divorce. They didn’t have any children together as they were already in their 50s. I don’t think it’s that unusual? Women prioritise having children more than men do, so there must be more child-free men than child-free women.

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 02/04/2025 19:17

I know it’s a common trope about single mothers but I’ve never had any issues on that department - if anything I was the one avoiding relationships. My current partner has no children and is younger than me, he managed to fit into our life really well.

I suspect circumstances also depend though - my ex is dead, we have no family nearby, there’s no drama other than general day to day stuff.

My brother (recently single after 20 years) apparently doesn’t want women with children “because he doesn’t want to raise someone else’s kids”. But he’s also known to be a bit of a dick, in my humble younger sister opinion.

Original poster

Daydreambeliever88 · 02/04/2025 19:21

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 02/04/2025 19:17

I know it’s a common trope about single mothers but I’ve never had any issues on that department - if anything I was the one avoiding relationships. My current partner has no children and is younger than me, he managed to fit into our life really well.

I suspect circumstances also depend though - my ex is dead, we have no family nearby, there’s no drama other than general day to day stuff.

My brother (recently single after 20 years) apparently doesn’t want women with children “because he doesn’t want to raise someone else’s kids”. But he’s also known to be a bit of a dick, in my humble younger sister opinion.

Would you say if a man truly likes you, he would look past all the drama taking on another man’s kids would bring? I hate the thought that I will forever be by myself. I have a pretty intense crush on this guy currently, but I fear he won’t be interested due to my children 😔

OP posts:

MyBusyBee · 02/04/2025 19:22

Never had an issue. But you have to have the mindset that they would be lucky to have you and make sure what you want is possible eg I didn’t want children as I had two but a guy I was seeing really wanted children - so that was a no. My husband has a grown up child and I have two and we didn’t want any together - me through menopause, he had gone through children raising but mine are younger but he lets me parents and supports them and me when needed. But he is active in their lives and really happy to do stuff with them and is proactive etc

RememberEveryMoment · 02/04/2025 19:27

Some people won’t want to date people with children and some will be fine with it. I have 2 brothers, one is married to a woman who has 2 kids from a previous relationship, the other won’t date women with children as he doesn’t want to raise children that aren’t his and doesn’t want the added complication. He had a relationship with a woman who didn’t tell him she had children and ended it when he did find out.

GuinnessMug · 02/04/2025 19:28

Daydreambeliever88 · 02/04/2025 19:06

The whole thing about a new lifestyle is what makes me think. It must be difficult going from no children or responsibilities, to then taking on two from someone else. I just often find myself sitting and wondering if I will always be alone. I mean I’m happy with my life, my kids are great, I have a lovely job and home, but of course I want someone to share all that with and I just feel like I’ll never have that sometimes

Show quote history

It was difficult and we had some issues at first, but we overcame it.

I think it helped us that the 2 dc still saw their dad and stayed at his regularly, so he was still involved as a parent and we got time on our own.

HaddyAbrams · 02/04/2025 19:36

Some men will be fine with it. Some won't. Only time will tell which one he is.

But I'd say be careful about saying "taking on someone else's kids". It's a phrase I hate personally. And be clear with yourself and him about how much you want him to be involved in the long run.

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 02/04/2025 19:40

Daydreambeliever88 · 02/04/2025 19:21

Would you say if a man truly likes you, he would look past all the drama taking on another man’s kids would bring? I hate the thought that I will forever be by myself. I have a pretty intense crush on this guy currently, but I fear he won’t be interested due to my children 😔

Show quote history

I think it depends on what drama you’re talking about. Drama with ex? Even I would avoid, children or no children. That can be messy.

But if by drama you mean just daily grind with children, it should be fine. But if you’ve only talked a few times and you don’t really know much about him I would keep my expectations low.

Original poster

Daydreambeliever88 · 02/04/2025 20:58

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 02/04/2025 19:40

I think it depends on what drama you’re talking about. Drama with ex? Even I would avoid, children or no children. That can be messy.

But if by drama you mean just daily grind with children, it should be fine. But if you’ve only talked a few times and you don’t really know much about him I would keep my expectations low.

Show quote history

No, no ex drama. Co parenting pretty well to be fair. I just meant like, it would be a huge change for a man to go from having no children, to being in a relationship with someone who’s got two. I mean obviously he wouldn’t become their dad because they have one, but I imagine it would still be a big change for any man. Added into that daily life with work and everything else, I have a busy lifestyle

OP posts:

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 02/04/2025 21:02

@Daydreambeliever88 I wouldn’t worry, if he doesn’t want to be with anyone with children he’ll cut it off straight away probably.

Buttonknot · 02/04/2025 21:10

My brother married my SIL who had a child age 2yo. My friend had three young DC (all under 6yo) when she met her now husband, they went on to have another together.

BeCalmNavyDreamer · 02/04/2025 21:11

Yeh as others have said it's not really off putting in itself, just depends on if that person minds or not but I would say that's true for a lot of things you learn about someone when dating. I got with my partner after having dd1, we now have another together as well. We're quite a cosy little family.
It's been hard but no harder than any other issue in establishing a relationship.
As it got more serious, I made it clear that I was happy to casually date or for him to be part of our lives more fully and that he had to decide carefully which was right for him.

Hayley1256 · 02/04/2025 21:14

Me and my DP are mid to late 30's and I have one 9 year old (6 when she met him), he doesn't have any children and I think he likes that there is no pressure from me to have any. He's not sure whether or not he wants his own (I've told him he needs to decide ASAP due to our ages). It has been a bit of an adjustment for him though, especially the kids entertainment on holidays! He loves her and treats her as he would his own.

lottiegarbanzo · 02/04/2025 21:40

Well maybe see where it goes and find out, rather than talking to numerous uninvolved people about it? This reads like one of those ‘do you think I’m pregnant?’ threads. How about you do a test love?

And keep him and any new man at a safe and sensible distance from your dc for a long time. At least a year.

ViciousCurrentBun · 02/04/2025 21:42

Some will and some won’t. When I was dating, I’m a woman I didn’t want to date anyone with children.

Init4thecatz · 02/04/2025 22:10

I think the main reason why men struggle with dating mums is the toll on their emotions should things go wrong. It's often spouted on the male forums, and I agree to some extent.

Think about it... if a man falls for you, aside from the fact he'll never come first in your eyes, it's an increased financial 'burden' on him, and that he'll be expected to fulfil a role he might not have planned on, etc, there's a huge gamble for him. The big one is that he has zero say in the kids. If he stays with you for a month, a year, ten years... and he bonds with those kids, they're HIS kids in all ways but genetics. He'll love them, worry about them, plan for them, just as any dad would. Then one day, you leave. He has zero rights over those kids. You could take them and tell him he's never going to see them again, and he has no recourse.

Imagine if one day someone ripped your kids away and told you you'd never see them again...