Just don’t know what to do anymore

[Jayjay08]

Maybe this is a rant. Maybe this is me having a mental breakdown. I don’t know. I’m on the verge of loosing it all.

I am a single mum to two kids- a four year old and a 16 month old. I work full time as an assistant head teacher. Me and my mum bought a house together. So we all live together.

She looks after my baby whilst I’m at work and I pay 90% bills.

My job is hard and when I come home im with my kids untill 7.30 when they go to bed. But I feel constantly overwhelmed at home - my mum huffing and puffing if I sit down and im not cleaning. Comments such as ‘is this your idea of cleaning’ she’ll walk past me huffing and puffing whilst she sweeps the floor. She’ll constantly say can you do this? Can you do that? Can you help me do this? Huffing and puffing saying she’s had such a hard day with the baby. - like I tell her stories of my work- she doesn’t understand the pressures I have at work- she thinks I don’t do anything.

so I have the pressures at work and then come home to this. I have no escape. No where to go. I’m 35 years old, I’m not 16.

ontop of everything else I get comments like ‘oh your lucky you have your mum’ ‘do you ever do the washing? ‘Omg are you actually loading the dishwasher?’ Like sorry but I can’t take this anymore. I can’t do anymore than what I’m doing. My body is drained. My mind is drained. And I’m sick to death of people thinking I don’t do anything. I get up at 7am and don’t sit down untill 7.30pm every day of the week and then I’m planning and doing school work untill late.

A Saturday comes and my mum wants to spring clean the house- gets the hump if I don’t want to. Like I need a day off?

whenever I say anything, whenever I feel like down, my mum gives me the silent treatment. I can’t cope anymore.

Do you ever get any time for yourself?

I don’t like with my mum but I have very little alone time (my “alone time” is my commute and my work breaks) and it was pushing me to a complete burnout.

Please get a cleaner

Does your mother ever get a break from the house? She needs a life

You should also not sit in the same room as her!

Can you afford nursery?

I don’t remember the last time I was alone in 4 years.

What do you mean I shouldn’t sit in the same room as her? We live together?

i told her I would pay for a nursery but she said the baby’s too young so doesn’t want me to yet. I pay her though. Not a lot or not as much as I would a nursery though.

Is the father of your kids and his family still alive?

@Jayjay08 I bet it’s the lack of alone time then. It’s horrible. I’ve been a single parent for 15 years now but I noticed a massive difference when we moved - I had better life quality overall (finances etc) but having no one to help/have DD overnight was tough. She’s grown now but it’s back to being tough because she’s hardly ever out. There’s no alone time.

Additionally, does your mother have any time for herself too? Because she might be overwhelmed all day with a baby.

No father involved or his family.

she Goes to a holiday home sort of thing each half term and some weekends.

@Jayjay08 then I don’t know what she’s moaning about - would she be able to afford a home on her own?

This is just how mothers are. I think it will worsen as she gets older

Shame you don’t have an extra living room to escape to!

Id go to bed early if I was you to read a book or just get out of her way

Most people couldn’t bare to live with their mothers for the reasons you are describing

Maybe she is overwhelmed and tired too. Talk to her. Tell her how you feel. Could you make your bedroom a place where you can relax.

In your situation I would:

Book the kids (or just baby if 4yo goes to preschool) into childcare twice a week. Explain to your mum that there is too much pressure in the house - she needs some time to herself, a break from the baby, and the opportunity to clean things that are bugging her. You need some time to yourself too.

Book yourself into some sort of club/gym etc (or tell your mum you have and just go to a cafe with a book) one night a week after the kids are in bed. If its a night they are in childcare ask your mum to babysit. If its a night they aren't get one of the nursery staff to babysit and pay them. Try to make this a no-work night if you possibly can.

Encourage your mum to go out one night a week to get a break, and to give you a break from sitting with her every evening.

Get a cleaner for two hours a week on a Friday. Tell your mum that anything that she is unhappy with the cleanliness of she can add to a list on the fridge for the cleaner to tackle and ask the cleaner to prioritise those things. Explain to your mum that you will no longer be cleaning in the evenings.

Keep your nursery days in holiday weeks to give yourself some days at home every year when your mum is on holiday and the kids are at childcare. Do NOT do jobs in this time - just chill out, relax and take some time for yourself.

Get a cleaner once a week for a deep clean.

Put the baby in nursery part time- you should get free hours yes? Use them. For all of your sakes.

Get a babysitter once a month or whatever when your mum is away, and get some time to yourself.

Put the babies name on the list for nursery now because where I live there is a year waiting list.
Then get a cleaner.
Then on a day your mum isn’t moaning at take her out for an afternoon tea or better still make one at home to say thank you for all you do for me. She probably just wants to hear it.
Being a deputy head teacher must be incredibly hard so it sounds like a very difficult situation overall. It will get easier and the kids will be so proud of you when they are older (speaking from experience as a single mum in a difficult job who now has older teenagers who are very proud of me.)

Why on earth did you think buying a house either your mum was a good idea? She could have come over and stayed while doing childcare, now it’s not working and you’re stuck with her. It’s not on her huffing over you not cleaning all the time, you work hard and then u want to see the kids when u are home then more work later. She needs to understand in the wk you are too tired for more than the basic chores of a week night. Has she always been like this? If so you’re at fault for letting her move her. I love my mum but this sounds suffocating and would drive me mad. You need to be very firm with her and set boundaries, it’s your home too not just hers, it should be your sanctuary you shouldn’t feel like this, and silent treatment is awful, just cause you don’t agree with her.

CLEANER

Two issues, combined:

1. Living with your mum is really hard, even when you get on well.
2. She's effectively the wife/SAHM to two small DC and you're effectively the dad/husband breadwinner who comes home from a hard day at the office while she's fried from a day of childcare and housework. The scenario you describe is very familiar on here but from the SAHM's POV. The difference is they're married and have a different relationship with romantic love and sex in the mix, plus both being the bio parents. Here you don't have that so any tension at tiredness, stress and workload is exacerbated by issue 1 i.e. she's your mum and you irritate each other.

No.1 is not going to go away unless you call time on this arrangement and move out to your own places, but it doesn't sound like that's a likely option, so all you can do is try to be understanding of her - it's not most grandparents' dream to revert to full-time mum mode when their own kids are raised - and to hire in as much help as you can re. cleaning and childcare, and don't take no for an answer. She's likely to continue to say snippy things and that's who she is. You'll be winding each other up even if you're both trying to be on best behaviour. But presumably it's worth it for your DC in the long run, and you're both filling the gap left by the father so it's no one's fault but his if he's made himself absent or circumstance if he's passed.

How are you? @Jayjay08 I hope you manage some time to yourself if you have the holidays off.

I’m ok thanks ❤️