i know its normal and prob a phase, but the past few days I miss my ex dh so much.

[piratecat]

I can't seem to ever leave him behind, in my memory or my heart.

I have had counselling, I have a history of low self worth, and am prone to depression.

I would say I am a deeply emotional person, and losing him was a huge shock.

Am I still partly in shock? I just feel like he really was the only one for me. I am very sad without him. I can't afford for this to get me down. Its been 3 yrs, and I just miss him. I feel like I am truly an odd person, for not being angrier, yet I have had angry moments.

I am just not strong enough to be angry enough to overcome my grief.

I can't talk to my family any moe about him, he has been such an arse and they just get annoyed with me for caring, minding what he says etc...

TBH I would prob be the same, annoyed that this person had hurt a friend/family member. Annoyed that my friend was still affected so much by it.

I get out, not evenings so much, and i have good friends.

I just miss him, and cannot fathom what I have done wrong, even after all these yrs.

its like a bit is missing, that I need to fill, to make me understand. I dream about him, and in my dreams i confront him with why this happened. All I ever got was that 'he'd changed' but how come i didn't even realsie it had come to the end when he told me he didn't love me anymore.

I have been so snappy today, and dd has been off poorly. It's not like me.

Is it actually him you miss, or someone ??

Just off to dunk the kids, back later .

It is almost certainly not something that you have done WRONG, it is more likely to be that you have both changed.

I am in a similar position, although you are much further down the line.

I don't really know what to post, but feel free talk about it on here if you have no one in RL that you can talk to about him.

I really do miss him.

Our split was a bolt from the blue. We were very very close. I know everyone says that, and I know it would be hard for any of you to understand, becuas if we were so close why did he do the cruellest thing, and why did I not know it had got that far for him.

He is getting married in june.

I do need to talk, if only to myslef inbetween people cathicng my posts. i am really down.

Oh piratecat, I could have wrote that myself. You are not alone in feeling this way.
I nearly cried reading your post. Its like you gave this one person your whole heart and you never got it back.
Time is the only thing that makes things better and you will feel stronger in time and your grief will come and go but with more space in between.
Im 5 years on now and I do still have the dreams about him and feel sad and emotional about things sometimes but now I have my strength back to try to move on.
Someone once said to me and I think its true, that you will probably always love him but you will learn to live with that and that doesnt mean you cant love again when your ready.

Not hard to understand at all.
Is there anyone locally who could come round tonight just to spend some time with you?

it is so very hard 3 years for me this june,
ex got married last summer to the women he left me for....
It was also out of the blue for me and i never saw it coming... totally shocked and would have done anything to keep us together...
but it wasnt to be...it has been flipping hard... and at times i have been very very low....
couselling helped me loads....and the realisation that i will not let him ruin my life I have got a life and i am going to live it the best i can....
You need to go through the motions and get angry, and think how you would feel if it was your friend going through it...
and talk about it and let your feelings out
you will get there

i just feel numb inside, but hurt at the same time, but can't cry.

((((((((((((((((((((((((pc)))))))))))))))))))))

Oh piratecat, you've been giving me such good advice about my access problems, I thought you were all strong and sorted! Don't know how old you are, but I suspect I'm one of the oldest mums on MN (dd was the best ever 41st and one day unexpected birthday present, well, not unexpected as I knew I was pregnant , but her conception was a total surprise!). So, with the experience of an oldie, let me tell you that there is no 'one', there's lots of people you will love throughout your life and each will be different, but no less valuable for that. It's total car crash time when you don't see the end coming and that does make it so much harder to heal, so just give yourself all the time you need. You will get over him and I expect your current low is down to the fact that he's getting married soon. Look on that as an opportunity to really start moving away from him emotionally, rather than dwelling on the actual event. Buy yourself a bottle of champagne and toast the 'happy couple' then make a list of all the things you're going to do to move on. I was bathing dd tonight and she was so happy and beautiful and I just thought (about xp) 'Poor sod, you're never going to have this again.' I expect, at my age, and with my extremely unperky 11-months-of-breastfeeding tits, the only meaningful relationship I'm ever going to have again is with my dd (or a plastic surgeon ), but I've got great plans to turn our back yard into a lovely flower garden in time for her birthday party and so things move forward.

great post amfay

i had champers on the day my ex married my friend arrived with it and we sat in garden and she said this is the end of all your hurt now it is time to move foward..and it did mark a new start for me even though i was dreading it

you will get there you cant let him ruin your life

I think you're being too hard on yourself piratecat. You think you should be over him in three years, but I don't. Three years isn't a long time at all.

For the past three years you have been so busy, barely had a bath in peace, read a book, or other things that you used to do pre children. So when you think about "free time to yourself" in three years, when you haven't been physically drained and exhausted after looking after children, then really, you haven't had three years at all.

Also you are reminded daily about him. If your children have his looks, or mannerisms then you are constantly reminded about him.
You can't really switch off from him.

Also, you dont have any answers. You are blaming yourself for something that may have had nothing to do with you. he may have just been stressed by the responsibilty of a family and just had to run-but trying to get a man to admit that!!

Hope this helps

thankyou all.

I am 39, so rather feel I have had my time for the main love of my life.

I live in a very small town, and like amazinwoman said, the last 3 yrs (since he left and dd was just 3) I have spent giving 100% to dd, coping with her, coping with my grief, her grief. Her on going sadnees, my sadness (inside), and my ex's shity behaviour.

She does look like him amazinw, so much. I credit him with the spark she has, as well as myself, he was very special.

hi pirate, i am the same as you, i miss him like crazy, and he hadnt even done stupid selfish things so there is nothing to make me think he is a crappy person.
some of you may know, he got his gf pregnant, well the baby was born on sunday.
it came as a shock to me. the baby was quite early and i obviously wasnt as prepared as i thought.
i had to hear the news from my ds (4) as ex hadnt wanted to "ruin" my birthday which was on the saturday
Sorry for hijacking your thread!

i too can imagine myself still mourning for him in 2 or 3 yrs time, i jump every time my phone beeps in case it is him, i get nervous when i know he is coming to drop ds off.
Yet i do see other men i am interested in, its just that nothing has really happened with any of them. This gets me down too.

Also have severe pms today so its not really helping.

Hope youre ok, dont have much advice as i am in the same boat!!

39 is still young pc xxx
i too thought i had missed the love of my life (not recent xp and dd's father tbh)
but i am only 33 and there is life in me yet.

i know you are not at the stage yet where you able to thinkof such things but you will, i have no doubt, meet someone new who will someway help to heal your heart, as will theother people on here xxxx

Piratecat, I do so understand how you feel Really, three years is not a long time and of course you feel sad with his marriage coming up.
I found this quotation a while ago and wrote it down because it expressed a feeling I hadn't been able to put into words myself. Not especially cheerful and it may not be what you feel but here you are anyway!

Rejection," she said, "is a wound that never closes." She giggled at her own portentousness, but persisted with the misery. It's nothing to do with sex or the bitch who steals your man. The really bloody thing is when someone you've really known and who has really known you says they're not interested any more, the enormity of it takes away your faith in yourself. You wind up single because you've had the stuffing knocked out of you. You just don't have the guts to hold your nose and jump any more. ?

Hi piratecat, my XH and I were best friends too, on one level, and on another level he broke my heart with an OW. It's hard to understand how those two men were contained in one man.

I am angry. I have to be. If I wasn't, I would completely breakdown. I feel as though I have had my chance at the cinderella story, the husband, the family, the happy-ever-after and it blew up in my face. I do have another dp now, at the grand old age of 44, and he is a darling - actually a much nicer person than xh. But on another level, I feel as though my hope has gone. All I ever wanted was a stable family life, for myself and for my children, and THAT can never be now. I can dream other dreams, but THE dream has gone, and something switched off in me when that dream died.

I don't want to hijack your thread, I just wanted to say that I kind of know how you feel, and you have my sympathy.

Yes, the enormity of it does take away your faith in yourself. I agree absolutely.

Piratecat, you have my sympathy. I think it is a wound that never closes (thank you clouded), that never stops bleeding. I am 45 yrs, alone for 7 yrs now and it didn´t get better yet My ex-h had two lives, lied about everything, did terrible things to me, destroyed my heart. I can´t talk to anyone in RL about it, no one cares about it, no one would understand this. I loved him too much and didn´t manage to heal since he left and showed his real nature. Life is unfair. You deserved better. Getting angry should help: you fight agains something. It´sb better than beeing so sad.

Piratecat, you have not had your time for the main love of your life, you're still young. I'm 50 and have always had really unsatisfactory relationships (I don't blame the men, I made bad choices) and my ex-H was no exception. He hurt me terribly but I've mourned him and moved on and after being on my own for nearly 2 years am ready to fall in love again.

And I know I will, because that's what I want more than anything - don't need it, cos I'm OK on my own with DD (aged 8) but can't think of anything more lovely. And I've just met someone actually and it's early days but he makes my heart flip over. So there's hope, I'm 11 years older than you...

Yep, well said, Mocca. I found someone absolutely lovely too, at the age of 43 (I'm 44 now). It's a different kind of love, more gentle and peaceful. No anxiety and fear on my part. In some ways, I miss that because I'm so used to picking wrong'uns and then having to try to 'make it work'. It's always been a part of my relationships, and I feel this one has 'something missing'. But it's a bad thing that is missing, not a good thing.

This can't replace my nuclear family, I do truly feel that. But it makes me happier to be with new dp than to mourn endlessly over something which won't come back (which I am perfectly capable of doing, trust me. I just won't let myself).

hello ladies, just checked back in.

thankyou for all your comments, I am comforted knwing that I am not some soort of weirdo, about still loving him and missing him.

It feels like Iam having to be two people iyswim, when I have phone contact with him. Ihave to go blank, emotionless. it is in direct contrast to how we used to communicate, and 'be' together.

I feel like I had it taken away from me. We were such great friends, and he was lovely.

I sometimes feel like I am going mad, becuase i feel as tho I exist, rather than 'live'. I do want this to pass.

i cant imagine how the hurt feels after all this time....but me and my DP split up for 6 months 4 years ago, and i had no idea it was coming.The hurt i feel was absolutely immense, if i think about the hurt i was feeling at that time i cry to this day...in fact i dont think it will ever leave me.
The thing that hurt me the most at the time was that he was the only human being i 100% completely trusted with my life...i could tell him anything. He was very quick to move on from our life together with our daughter (16 months old at the time) and took pleasure in spreading horrible things about me and being an outright shithead.
But i missed him all the same, i missed him being my best friend and the closeness we had. We did get back together but it took a hell of a long time to mend the rift that it had caused between us.
I know that it may not be a helpful story to you because your situation is differant from mine but i wanted you to know that i know how you feel about missing him and feeling that you are never going to overcome the loss....but your time is not over until you breathe your last breath
do not give up on finding the other person that is meant to be with you and love you the way you deserved to be loved.I really hope that you can be happy and realise that you dont need to just exist anymore.....live your life PC because you only one x x x x

fawkeoff, thankyou, that has made me shed a tear. I want the tears to come, but they won't.

He's the one that has let dd down so much, i have prattled on about it so much on here.

I relied on him for 12 yrs, as my 'ear' and totally trusted him as my friend.

He didn't go off with someone, but he met her very quickly after we split, and i feel very much that had he not, we would have gone to relate, and got back on track. I feel like he took the easy route, and that this ow has clouded him, stolen him almost.

I nkow its his choice, and I have siad that before. Yet it has never ever sat well with me, becuase tbh b4 he left he had lost the plot, and was smoking weed so much.

He rang last night to say hello to dd6, and altho he hasn't seen her much the past 6 months, it was supposed to be a new start in contact, and he didn't even ask to se her this weekend. She went swimming with him 2 weeks ago, and contact is every 2 weeks.

I want to kill him sometimes.

i think the most hurtful thing to deal with is you lose the person you know and love....almost an invasion. I could not believe how much he changed when we split up, even towards our daughter...he did not make the effort to be in her life the way he should have done and it hurt me because she missed him so much. He may well wake up one morning and ralise what a big misdatake he has made by letting you go....but dont wait around for it to happen.
you deserve to have a happy life.....
grieve and bury it x x x x