Advice please

[feathermucker]

Hi, please be kind. I’m an over-thinker and prone to anxiety. My 18 year old has his first girlfriend and is spending most of his spare time with her……….as I would expect him to.

Most days he will go to hers from work (they work in the same place) then come home at night quite late into the evening. I’m hardly seeing him at the moment and our interactions aren’t the best because I have said I’d like to spend some time with him and he says I’m repeating myself and gets annoyed with me. I generally only really see him when he’s tired and get the worst of him so to speak.

This might not seem like a massive issue to some but it’s upsetting me and to go from spending lots of time together to hardly anything is a massive adjustment.
It’s always been just me and him.

Id love some advice on how to rationalise it and get it straight in my head so I’m not upset over it and can handle it better.

God I sound pathetic. Please be kind!!!

It's a normal rite of passage for a child to find a partner, grow up, move away. How did this happen for you and your family? How did you feel at the time? Was it any easy transition for you?
Try not to feel it as a loss, but a transition into something different, more mature, celebrate the adult he is becoming, the potential positivity of his girlfriend as an extra family member (even if temporary/they split up). Enjoy your young adults. Be a safe space for them that they can enjoy being in without feeling they 'have' to be there.

You’re absolutely right. I feel ridiculous for feeling like this. I’m trying my best to adjust to the changes in our relationship, I really am.

I always knew the time would come where the dynamic changed between us. The prospect of him leaving home and maybe going to Uni in the next few years feels like it’s going to feel like a huge loss to me.

its time to make the most of my life. I’m at Uni doing a nursing apprenticeship/working aswell so I am doing things to better myself.

it feels hard to exist in this new norm when all I’ve known for so long is being there for him and looking after him.

I know the relationship between us will always be strong and just need to get my head round things and deal with it better.

And improve my social life and hobbies too.

ill get there

It’s bloody hard. Try not to ‘smother’ him. Maybe suggest some days out to include gf. Make an effort to get in with gf and welcome her to the family not come across as jealous.

i do think it’s a phase most teens go through and how you handle it will impact the quality of and amount of contact you get when they are fully into their adulthood

Taking this on board. I’m aware that if I handle this wrong, our relationship will suffer.

Its still quite new but I’ve says she’s welcome here anytime and he said he’ll take us both out for lunch soon so I can meet her properly (he’s a great lad!)

You're so right when you say it’s bloody hard, that’s why this advice is so useful!

I need to rediscover my own interests and passions too and ensure my life is full.

When people say it’s the hardest job in the world, they’re so so right!

You sound like a great mother!

Just try acknowledge that he is an independent person, doing his own thing. He will come back to you, but right now he needs to test his wings. Don't think he's gone forever - just departed temporarily.

You sound like you've fostered a strong bond, from my experience this temporary departure happens at an earlier age, but it's entirely normal.

Bless you. That’s really kind.

Its really weird him not being here all the time too but that may force me to get my own life in order and get out more etc

You do have to let them go, but if you do it well and supportively, they’ll come back when they’re ready.

My kids are younger so what do I know, but would it be an option to have a chat where you ask about the gf and say how happy you are that they are getting on so well he is happy. That you wonder if he’d like to do something next week together see a film or whatever you’ve both enjoyed doing together?

I think when the time comes I would want to encourage my kids to keep a small amount of family time to maintain important relationships and stay connected.

whatever the outcome don’t feel rejected in any way - sounds like you’ve done a great job of raising someone his gf wants to love spending so much time with.

Oh he sounds lovely, OP. A well brought up young man. Great job ☺️

He really is a decent, nice lad. I’ve said I’d still like to spend some time with him but not been too pushy at all.

It’s also great to see what a lovely young man he’s turning into. It’s an adjustment for sure but i
guess our relationship is evolving as he grows and will be different anyway.

definitely spurring me on to take up some new hobbies, join the gym etc.