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Original poster

How do I leave and not lose my baby ?

35 replies

pillowfighter · 14/03/2025 16:22

I moved into my baby dad’s house when she was born 9 months ago. Things have gone downhill fast he doesn’t want to split but I do. We are currently in the process of moving into a bigger house all under his name I can’t go onto his mortgage due to bad credit history.
I have another older child that isn’t his which I used get UC for. When he’s been angry in the past he has threatened to keep our baby full time and because I suffer anxiety that in court he will win full custody too. And other times when he’s calm he’s agreed 50/50 shared care.
he Has a good job good wage and works full time and has been through the court system where I haven’t.
I want to leave but can’t until I find my own house and I don’t even know if I will get uc for my baby I know I will for my older child but I’m concerned that if I don’t get a 3 bedroom he will be awarded full custody.
In work part time and feel like I’m a good mum and don’t want to go through the court system I could not afford a top lawyer like he could.
i don’t know how to leave calmly and peacefully without him kicking off as he doesn’t want to split up and I can’t leave until I find a new home either.

OP posts:
DontBeADick11 · 15/03/2025 10:39

autumngirl714 · 14/03/2025 16:30

Oh Op, I can really hear your pain in your post. I'm sorry you're going through this, and I'm sorry he's trying to intimidate you in staying in a toxic relationship.

I'm a single mum too, I really do understand the heartache of having to share custody.

What I can say is that he wouldn't get full custody just because he has a bigger place. That would just never happen.
The default is typically 50/50 in the UK. Others will say it's not, but I have spoken to solicitors and have friends who are social workers, and this is the typical set up based on 2 parents who are available to have their children that amount of time.
A court looks at what is best for the child. It doesn't matter what dad has done to you, they only look at the child.

But let's take a step back. Could dad actually manage having the child 50/50? What about work? Sick days? School holidays?
Just remember, he's trying to bully you. He knows you have anxiety and he's playing you. It's revolting behaviour. My ex threatened me. I've heard it from others before.

I can absolutely assure you op he won't get full custody just because he has a higher house or you have anxiety.

Sending you lots of love 🩷

Yeah I don’t agree the default is 50/50 in the UK. My best friend is a social worker and they actually recommend against 50/50. The children should have one stable home and visit the other parent on weekends. Provides much more stability than going back and forth between houses all the time.

Original poster
pillowfighter · 15/03/2025 12:08

Is there a legal document that when a couple are still together not married but cohabiting that can detail in the event of a relationship breakup what their child arrangements would be I.e 50/50 shared custody, education etc. ?

OP posts:
autumngirl714 · 15/03/2025 12:56

@DontBeADick11 I guess default is probably the wrong word, as there's no default as such. But having spoken to several solicitors when I was in the trenches, have 4 friends who are social workers and also have a few friends who have gone through the process, I have found that, where both parents are available and want it, 50/50 is normally granted. This isn't for a baby though OP, older children.

For what it's worth, i do agree with you @DontBeADick11 . As resilient as children are, they deserve a stable home and the parents should work around this.
I'd love to be wrong, I'm just sharing my experience.

FortyElephants · 15/03/2025 13:03

pillowfighter · 15/03/2025 12:08

Is there a legal document that when a couple are still together not married but cohabiting that can detail in the event of a relationship breakup what their child arrangements would be I.e 50/50 shared custody, education etc. ?

No.

You need to check your universal credit entitlement on entitledto.com but you should be able to get UC for both children. You don't need a 3 bedroom house for 2 kids. Whether or not you have 3 bedrooms will have no impact on any court arrangements. You absolutely don't need to provide video evidence of you caring for the baby. If you can get money together to rent a small 2 bedroom that is all you need. Move out and then deal with the relationship breakup fallout after. Before any court application you would need to go to mediation where you would agree a co parenting agreement. Your baby is young so it's not likely to be anywhere near 50/50 nor would you have to put them in childcare to facilitate 50/50 if you're available to care for them.

Agapornis · 15/03/2025 15:03

pillowfighter · 15/03/2025 12:08

Is there a legal document that when a couple are still together not married but cohabiting that can detail in the event of a relationship breakup what their child arrangements would be I.e 50/50 shared custody, education etc. ?

A cohabitation agreement could potentially cover financial support for children in case of a breakup. But it isn't suitable as a enforceable document for long-term custody arrangements beyond the cohabitation, because one parent may turn out to be unsuitable. Mediation and court exist for good reason.

Why do you ask, is he forcing you to sign some paper? Don't. Seek legal advice.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/making-agreements-about-your-children/making-child-arrangements/

Making child arrangements

How to agree where your children live, who they live with and how often you'll see them after you've split up. This is also called making 'child arrangements'.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/making-agreements-about-your-children/making-child-arrangements/

WellsAndThistles · 15/03/2025 15:11

Call his bluff, men never want left holding the baby and paying out for all the childcare costs or, heaven forbid, risking their careers by going part-time.

MMCQ · 16/03/2025 10:52

Please do not be afraid of the court system. Judges are fair minded people who can see through the bullshit. They will expect you and him to agree what is in the best interests of your child. No more and no less. And if you cannot agree then they will make that decision but it is highly unlikely that parental responsibility is awarded to your partner 100% of the time for a baby so small. It is possible the court will award shared care but only where that is in the best interests of your baby. You, having to demonstrate you know how to care for your child, is not hard nor a trick. You do this every day. 247 as you say. Whether your partner can equally demonstrate he knows how to care for your baby and is prepared to adjust his life to accommodate her is a different matter. Don’t be afraid of going to court but do get your health visitor to support you ahead of this and share with them what is going on.

Welshmonster · 16/03/2025 20:33

Just move out and let him try and get full custody. He won’t as it would have a massive impact on his life unless he gets nanny to do full time childcare.
move now before the new house goes through as he won’t need such a big house

don’t be bullied

Phoenixfire1988 · 16/03/2025 22:21

AmusedGoose · 14/03/2025 19:03

Why do you want to leave
Surely being a single mum to 2 you g children is going to make you MH worse. I think you should consider counselling first. Try tolook at the positive sixe too.

I've seen some shit advice on this page but this comment takes the cake !!!

Phoenixfire1988 · 16/03/2025 22:29

pillowfighter · 14/03/2025 16:22

I moved into my baby dad’s house when she was born 9 months ago. Things have gone downhill fast he doesn’t want to split but I do. We are currently in the process of moving into a bigger house all under his name I can’t go onto his mortgage due to bad credit history.
I have another older child that isn’t his which I used get UC for. When he’s been angry in the past he has threatened to keep our baby full time and because I suffer anxiety that in court he will win full custody too. And other times when he’s calm he’s agreed 50/50 shared care.
he Has a good job good wage and works full time and has been through the court system where I haven’t.
I want to leave but can’t until I find my own house and I don’t even know if I will get uc for my baby I know I will for my older child but I’m concerned that if I don’t get a 3 bedroom he will be awarded full custody.
In work part time and feel like I’m a good mum and don’t want to go through the court system I could not afford a top lawyer like he could.
i don’t know how to leave calmly and peacefully without him kicking off as he doesn’t want to split up and I can’t leave until I find a new home either.

Think logically how would he care for a baby while working full time ? He's emotionally manipulating you they know kids are our weakness and use that against us unless you were seriously unstable and unable to care for your children he will NOT get full custody it doesn't matter what size house he has or how much he earns .
Keep any proof you have in writing of his threats and emotional abuse this could help you later on .
You will be entitled to money off uc for both children aswell as healthy start to help with formula or fruit and veg its £34 until 1 and then £17 until 4 .

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