How do I leave and not lose my baby ?

[pillowfighter]

I moved into my baby dad’s house when she was born 9 months ago. Things have gone downhill fast he doesn’t want to split but I do. We are currently in the process of moving into a bigger house all under his name I can’t go onto his mortgage due to bad credit history.
I have another older child that isn’t his which I used get UC for. When he’s been angry in the past he has threatened to keep our baby full time and because I suffer anxiety that in court he will win full custody too. And other times when he’s calm he’s agreed 50/50 shared care.
he Has a good job good wage and works full time and has been through the court system where I haven’t.
I want to leave but can’t until I find my own house and I don’t even know if I will get uc for my baby I know I will for my older child but I’m concerned that if I don’t get a 3 bedroom he will be awarded full custody.
In work part time and feel like I’m a good mum and don’t want to go through the court system I could not afford a top lawyer like he could.
i don’t know how to leave calmly and peacefully without him kicking off as he doesn’t want to split up and I can’t leave until I find a new home either.

Oh Op, I can really hear your pain in your post. I'm sorry you're going through this, and I'm sorry he's trying to intimidate you in staying in a toxic relationship.

I'm a single mum too, I really do understand the heartache of having to share custody.

What I can say is that he wouldn't get full custody just because he has a bigger place. That would just never happen.
The default is typically 50/50 in the UK. Others will say it's not, but I have spoken to solicitors and have friends who are social workers, and this is the typical set up based on 2 parents who are available to have their children that amount of time.
A court looks at what is best for the child. It doesn't matter what dad has done to you, they only look at the child.

But let's take a step back. Could dad actually manage having the child 50/50? What about work? Sick days? School holidays?
Just remember, he's trying to bully you. He knows you have anxiety and he's playing you. It's revolting behaviour. My ex threatened me. I've heard it from others before.

I can absolutely assure you op he won't get full custody just because he has a higher house or you have anxiety.

Sending you lots of love 🩷

Thankyou @autumngirl714your reply made me cry

Why do you want to leave
Surely being a single mum to 2 you g children is going to make you MH worse. I think you should consider counselling first. Try tolook at the positive sixe too.

Absolutely not. Being a single mum will always be a million times better and healthier then being with a manipulative bully.
Did you read the OP properly? He's threatening her even seeing her children if she leaves (which he cannot do!!!), that on its own is enough to leave!!!
I'd live ten lives being a single mum then being with anyone like that!!!

What you described is very typical behaviour OP of a bully. He's trying to hurt you and frighten you to get what you want. But what he's saying is absolutely not true and wouldn't stand.

My advice if you do move forward is to keep all contact in writing (emails, texts etc) and keep copies. Let him expose himself!

I've been exactly where you are. I know only too well the heart ache 😞

a friend gave me advice on if you don’t come to a suitable agreement on shared cares with a young baby you have to go through whole court process how to show I’m able to actually care for a baby. Photo Evidence of feeding, bonding and changing bathing baby etc
which I doubt my ex would be able to say I am incapable of as he has worked full time for the last 5 months and I’ve been doing it 247! I wouldn’t want to fight him in court or out of it as I’m never going to stop him seeing his child I am happy with 50/50 as she gets older with proper structure and routine I know he is a very hands on parent. So I don’t feel it would need to escalate to providing evidence to court of how I would be able to care for my child like that.

How much time has he actually spent caring for the baby without you there? IE doing every bit of it. How many nights?

If the answer is not much before you have any more conversations about splitting care take your older child away for a long weekend and leave the baby with him. Do absolutely nothing to support - no planning, no meals in the fridge, no notes, no extra washing etc. When you come back be unfailingly positive about how nice it has been to have a break.

You will be worried, and it'll be stressful, but it will be by far and away the best way to ensure that you get the majority of the time with baby.

No court would stop you from having 50/50 care especially with a baby so young. You can claim for two children on uc and if he's a high earner get child maintenance

Wow! Did you read this post properly?

You are the primary caregiver for your child and have a proven track record as a good parent to your older child. There's no way he will get full custody - judges see narcissistic bullying men all the time and will see right through him. Start making a plan to leave and get some legal advice. Keep calm and don't discuss anything with him until you have sorted somewhere to go and enlist support from friends/family members to help you move out.

You'll be fine.

He on the other hand is showing all the hallmarks of being an abuser. Financial abuse, anger, threats. Keep talking to people here. Consider getting this moved to Relationships (click report and ask) for more resources on recognising abuse, and moral support.

Hi, I can totally feel your stress and worry. I would suggest maybe speaking to women’s to see if they can give you any advice and point you in the right direction.
try not to worry in regards to potential court cases (easier said than done, I know).
you are clearly the primary care giver for your children, and they will be able to see the good job you’ve done with your eldest over the years, and now with your little one.
you can do this, spend your time now getting your ducks in a row, keep your cards close to your chest. I would suggest starting to squirrel away some money for a new rental. X

Surely as the main care giver your infant would be with you a lot more than 50/50 initially?
No overnights, no long hours separated from main carer... it's the basic biological needs of an infant.
The focus needs to be on what your baby needs right now. And right now it's just you. That who they need. A few hours with dad here and there with you present is great over a week.
Until the child is 4 or 5 years old, they don't really need more than a few hours away from you. Look at the child care free hours - 15 hours away from parent. That could be a reasonable expectation to build up to as custody time for dad but that's when they're aged two no?
You're not denying a relationship with their dad, you're simply putting your infants needs first.

He sounds like a mental abuser who is playing on your anxiety and worst fear off having your baby taken away from you. Ask him how can he look after a baby full time when he’s working full time? Surely the baby is better off with his/her mum and the court will see that,

Your friend is wrong OP. You are the main carer for the baby so even though dad has equal rights, you can leave and take the baby no one will stop you and he will have to go to court for ACCESS. They are very unlikely to go straight to 50/50 as baby is so young. Do not worry about losing your baby if that’s what’s stopping you leaving.

Ok OP take a deep breath he would not get full custody just because you have anxiety I would suggest contacting a domestic abuse agency because you are being abused not physically but mentally, emotionally and financially they will help you get out safely and will support you every step of the way you would get UC for both children are you claiming child benefit for both children? you can do this as hard and scary as it is but it’s doable and honestly you need to get out you are not in a safe environment sending you a big hug and hoping you get help and leave with your children good luck

You've had some good advice already. One other thing to maybe do is to go and see your GP. Create a paper trail. Yes you have anxiety but you're doing ok, the kids are ok. Apart from this worry about him taking you to court.

Very long story short. Ex DH used my history of self harm (as a teenager) to take me to court for residence of our DS. As revenge after I left him because of emotional and financial abuse and infidelity. Amongst other things he lied and said my self harm was a current issue and I was mentally ill and dangerous. I think he thought I'd take him back out of fear of losing DS. No way. I had to produce my medical records. They showed the truth. He did get the usual contact, every other weekend, one night in the week. But that was all.

Court is absolutely awful. But don't let the fear of it drive your decision making. I'm now several years out the other side and no regrets. Talk to Women's Aid, keep posting here. Keep any plans etc to yourself. There is a future for you and your kids that doesn't involve living with this guy.

Absolutely not. If a relationship has failed for whatever reason, being forced to stay is catastrophic for MH.

OP, the court will not give him full custody unless he can prove you are an abusive parent, or have severe mental illness and would be unable to cope. Do not let him put you off.

That would not be so in your case. You are a good mum to your dcs and you are working. Your mental health will almost certainly improve when you are away from someone who is making you unhappy.

And consider, would your partner adjust his working hours to do nursery drop off and pick up every day? Would he give up going to the pub, the gym or out to eat whenever he wants. Would he do nappies or leave work for a poorly baby, or all the hundreds of small time-consuming things that you do. When faced with making that choice, my ex lasted one weekend and never mentioned 50:50 again.

Check your entitlements, try to get proof of his current income (payslip or tax return), and speak to Woman's Aid. You are doing the right thing. Good luck xx

This OP. He won’t get 50/50 of a baby you are the primary carer for. Don’t let him bully you! What is in baby’s best interests is not to be without the primary carer at such a young age.

And get in touch with women’s aid and start documenting everything - you are being abused!

It is highly unlikely that he will get "full custody". The starting point is 50/50 but if he works full time and has never been the main carer, that might not work. The courts and the CAFCASS officers are very used to dealing with dickhead men who try to bully their partners and say they are unstable/ mental and not good mothers. It's the oldest trick in the book. So don't let him intimidate you.

Just seen that one is a baby, so even less likely that he will get 50/50 care if you are the main carer.

Congratulations on the worst piece of advice I've ever read on here

@AmusedGoose

Are you on glue? The OP is in an abusive relationship. Of course she wants to leave.

OP you have every right to leave with your baby.

It’s not up to him to agree to 50/50, and no court is going to award 50/50 of a nine month old baby.

TBH as hard as it is I think court is the best idea for you both in order to get contact formalised. He strikes me as the type who would refuse to return the baby etc, and without a formal arrangement it would be a very hard road.

On the one hand it is preferable if parents can agree contact, but that only works if they are both amicable and have the child’s best interests in mind. Me and eXH didn’t go to court for anything, not even the financial settlement, but although eXH has his failings (hence why he’s an ex) I know he would never have been difficult re the DC etc. But unfortunately there are all too many men who would.

So I would tell McTwatface that you’re leaving and that you’ll see him in court.

Oh, and get some better friends. Is he shagging her per chance? Because it sounds to me that she’s on his side which makes me suspicious.

Read up about emotional abuse but remember to clear your history and then ask your HV to come and see you while he is a work and ask for their support.