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please help... really need some advice to stop relying on ex.

11 replies

charlotte121 · 12/05/2008 18:07

ex always lets me and ds down. Im sick of trying to get him to do anything. Everything i ask of his always results in an argument and i dont know how much more i can take of it. When we split up things were really bad between us but did get better and we were on good terms for the sake of ds. However since then he has got a new gf and doesnt spend any tie with ds.
I really wanted him to come to my NCT class with me but he siad he couldnt get the time off from work as it was a new job... which i thought was understandable, would have been nice to have him there as he is my birth partner. I then found out he has booked the dy off next week to go to alton towers with his new girlfriend, but couldnt possibly have made an exception to getr time off to learn how to have an easy delivary of his new child. ( i had a very traumatic delivary with ds) I also found out today that my bump is measuring too small and that there may be some complications and i may have to be induced. His reaction was very laid back and basicly gave the impression that he didnt give a toss that there could be something worng with his child. I just dont know how to stop asking him for help. I never get the help i ask for and am always left feeling totally deflated. so basicly im setting myself up for a fall. please help. everything is too much to cope with. so worried about baby and he couldnt give 2 hoots. x

OP posts:
piratecat · 12/05/2008 18:45

time and determination, and keep going for your kids.

when new gf arrives onthe scene, most men turn inti immature blobs, who drasticallly change, and I know this doesn't help you. Yet you cannot make him do, see or think anything.

someone said this to me the other day, and after 3 yrs of banging my head against the wall, i understood.

the person was my gp, and she said

'it's his choice'

it hurts, but there it is. You will be ok, just keep posting, and try not to let it undermine your confidence in yourself and your goals.

take carex

charlotte121 · 12/05/2008 20:59

i just feel like he has been like a tornado in my life reaking havock. I love my ds and bump like nothing else but i never expected i would have to cope with them on my own. I just feel incredibly depressed about the whole situation and dont know how to pick myself up and carry on. I obviously will for the sake of ds and bump but i just feel like im exsisting day by day... getting through it and crashing out. I wanna be alive again and enjoy life. everything is such a struggle and i cant do it alone anymore. I just dont know where im supposed to turn. I think i might be on the verge of cracking up. i feel like such a failure but i dont have nayone i can rely on for support. If anything everyone around me relys on me for support. I really dont know what to do. I worry that i'll lose it and social services will take my kids away from me and then i really would have nothing to live for. god help my kids with me for a mother!!! x

OP posts:
bluejelly · 12/05/2008 21:04

Charlotte it's horrible being pregnant and not having the father of the baby there for support. I have been through it and a couple of my friends.
Instead of trying to make him the person you want him to be, try and focus your energy elsewhere.
Is there someone else who could be your birth partner?
Do you have a sister or a mother who you could lean on for support?
My dad was the one that really came through for me, but friends were also v helpful.
I had some counselling too which helped hugely.

You will get through it, and I am sure once the baby comes you will feel stronger and more positive.

But in the meantime, try and get all the support you can from other sources, don't rely on your ex

charlotte121 · 12/05/2008 21:11

i really hate him so much. I just want him out of our lives for good but i cant stop him seeing ds as i would never live with the guilt. My dad died when i was 8 so i couldnt deny my child its dad. Just hope that one day i'll meet someone who can be a decent dad to my beautiful children. i think i may end up having this baby alone. my sister is looking after ds whilst i have baby... at the moment i dont think i want ex anywhere near me and my mum isnt sure if she'll be able to be there because of work commitments. I dont have anoyone else. I'll manage. I just hate him. thats all i can say... i hate hate hate him. He's broken my heart, stamped on it, spat on it and then tried to get me to help him out when he's needed it. i wish we could get away from him i really do! x

OP posts:
Divastrop · 12/05/2008 21:11

totally agree with bluejelly's post.

it will be so much easier for you to get through this if you stop wasting energy trying to turn a tosser into a good man.he isnt interested,and as much as it hurts you have to accept that and focus on you+the lo's.

have you spoken to your mw or gp about how you are feeling?you sound like you are quite depressed and could do with some support.

trust me,i have been in a similar situation.there is support available out there,but you have to talk to someone.

Divastrop · 12/05/2008 21:15

you would have nothing to feel guilty about if you stopped him seeing ds,he's the one who should feel guilty,but obviously he feels very little of anything,so why on earth should you?

i know your dad dies when you were a child,but i bet he was a kind,loving father(?)and loosing him was a great loss.

i dont think its the same loosing a loving father as it is not seeing a toss-pot fuckwit who happened to impregnate your mother.

bluejelly · 12/05/2008 21:16

I had 5 sessions with a counsellor and it helped a lot. I cried and cried during the sessions but came out feeling a lot calmer and somehow lighter.
Would definitely recommend!

snotbuster · 12/05/2008 21:16

Have just read this quickly but agree with bluejelly - maybe find someone else to be your birth partner. Having had (very useless) XP at birth of DS, I think a good female friend who's had babies would be better than an unsympathetic/unkind partner.
This must be so hard for you but I guess all you can do is accept it and move on (I know this is much easier said than done). From reading other posts of yours you sound like a very strong and resourceful woman but it must be so upsetting at the moment to be worried about the baby. You say that everyone relies on you - I think you should call one of those people and get them to listen to your problems tonight. Maybe you always seem so strong that they don't realise how hard everything is for you?

piratecat · 13/05/2008 07:54

It is very scary and unfathomable, the feeling of 'oh my god I have to do this family thingon my own', when you thought you were going to have a dp/dh whatever. Its not the ideal, or what we had in mind.

Yet these kids just keep us going, and we realise that yes we have to be the grown ups here.

Thats the magical thing about being a mother/woman.

You recognise these feelings and aren't afraid to tell us here, and thats a good thing. its normal too. Yuor feelings and fears will be al over the place, But you will get there.

NO wonder they say 'mother earth'!

where about do you live?

fym · 13/05/2008 08:08

definitely no point him being the birth partner - he clearly doesn't care about the bump else he would attend NCT and be concerned about the growth.

Bet his new gf is giving him grief - she won't want him there.... in fact you may find when it comes down to in he doesn't pitch up at the hospital

Katiekins83 · 13/05/2008 12:40

hi C121!
i can really sympathise with you, where do you live? if i could help i would...i was in a similar situation with XP! anyway i agree with all the post get support get counciling, even if it is just going and getting off your chest what you feel about him, plus Gps are v usesful as they can point u in the direction of some you have a surestart nearby?
hope all gets must be a very determined person to have got this far alone!

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