How did it go? Your child meeting dad for the first time.

[Bunny44]

Me and my ex broke up when I was pregnant and he went back to his home country and due to visa & money constraints couldn't come back so has never met my child who is now 18 months. In a few months we're meeting up in a 3rd country so they can meet for the first time (on our way somewhere else).

Has anyone else been in a similar position where their child's parent didn't meet them until later on and how did it go and how did things pan out in the long term, especially if there was distance involved?

I feel awkward about having to hang out with my ex and his partner and I can tell he's anxious his child might reject him so it's a highly emotive trip and I'm worried about managing it for myself and my child but I'm trying to mentally prepare myself in advance to handle it all calmly.

He's an idiot for going back home after you broke up instead of staying nearby to build a relationship with his child. What was the long term plan if you hadn't broke up but he had no visa?

Anyway as for the meeting, I'd treat it as a casual meeting or even pretend you've bumped into him in the park. You can say he's your friend. You don't need to explain that he's Daddy. Give that time.

His partner shouldn't be there, they haven't been together long and it's way too soon.

I was in the same situation - my ex moved back to his home country as soon as I said I was pregnant. He met DS for the first time when he was 8 months old when his parents found out and he had a social push into doing the right thing.

Ds is 13 now and it’s been a mixed bag over the years. Initially he visited for one day every month, but until DS was about 12 months I was always present. After that he would maybe pick him up and take him to soft play or something for a few hours, but the base of him visiting was always my house as DS needed naps etc and was VERY clingy.

From the toddler years on it’s been HARD. DS never wanted to go with him and would sob and cling to my legs. I used to send parcels with a magazine or chocolate in to him and pretend they were from his dad just so there was some contact in between visits (his dad would have radio silence in between seeing him) or I’d pretend he had called to ask how DS day was, but I stopped this about 4yrs as I was worried I was setting him up for disappointment when he realised.

Ds now has rejected his dad quite vehemently. He says he knows I have raised him by myself and his Dad isn’t a “proper” dad. As such they see each other maybe every 4 months ish. It has become worse in a way since I remarried as my DH does school runs / cooks / does his uniform etc and my son has recognised that even when DH tells him off he does it because he loves him, whereas he says his dad just doesn’t care enough to even know if he’s been naughty.

I try so bloody hard to keep their relationship going, but it feels like I’m forcing them both sometimes as neither is particularly interested in the other. I wanted to set them up for the best chance though, and I wanted DS to realise what his dad was like under his own steam rather than me just telling him and him maybe doubting me further down the line.

@Decapitatedsausage you sound like an amazing mum and your son is lucky to have you

I explained already it was due to financial and visa issues - the only way he could stay in the UK was if we were married and he was financially dependent on me for a time, which was the original plan but then the relationship broke down. He got back with an ex partner and they're now married and he has older step daughters. From what I can work out, although his now wife was very upset that I was pregnant and was insecure about the whole situation (she knew when they got back together), she has come around and her and her daughters have been encouraging him to meet his child. They have been on some of the video calls with my son as well and speaking to him.

However I already told my ex that if he wants to build a relationship with my son then it's better to meet on his own at first (although I don't believe his wife will let that happen) but at least not a massive group. They speak a different language so he wouldn't be 'daddy' anyway. He doesn't know what that word means RN.

@Decapitatedsausage this is really helpful thank you. It's so hard to know whether it's worth bothering and this gives me perspective of what it could turn out like.

My son's father was desperate for a child and his wife can't have more children so it's likely to be his only child. He's very good with small children, but I've realised he's quite a lazy and complicated person - he can be very stubborn and essentially his mum (who we both have a good relationship with) mediates. Sometimes I don't know why I bother as he tells me he loves my son but doesn't seem to put enough effort in. That said every time I stop bothering he reaches out and asks for a call/photos/updates. He's paying for the flight for us to see him but it's the first time he's contributed. My ex is very poor and I'm well off so I don't like to expect much - but if he was a better person I feel like he'd at least try or offer what he could.

I don't want to be the one to obstruct the relationship in anyway, but I also worry about my son being disappointed or let down by his dad in the future. You don't want them to be made to feel unloved or deprioritised, but if he sees the photos of him with his new family he might feel like that. I thought if we at least go across this time, do some activities/get some photos of them together, then we'll see how it goes. We could probably only do this once a year max anyway due to the distance. Hard to know if they can build an attachment in that circumstance. My ex seems anxious about my son rejecting him.