Financial realities and downsizing

[ANTagony]

The messy thing that is divorce and the delay due to court review of financial settlement has left me with the house and the debt .

I now need to face reality and upsticks to somewhere we can afford me and the 2 x DS (now 2 and 4) love where we are. Its been a hell of a year since HE walked out and in with someone else after 13 years together with no warning and no discussion. The boys have become confident happy children and I don't want to unsettle them but reality is striking and the cost of food, petrol, debt and lack of opportunity to balance seeing children and earning a good income (I'm in a rural area) all this adds up to mean I need to sell. Its very selfish but I'm concerned that leaving our wonderful home and moving to something smaller and more suburban the boys will blame me. DS(4) came back from visit with HIM this week telling of how he's making promises to buy lots of outdoor toys for his big new garden.

I can't help but feel that its him thats put us in this situation. Most of the debt was taken on to service the fact he spent the last 7 years of our marriage attempting to be a writer whilst I paid the bills. I had told him that we weren't able to borrow much more which kind of coincided with him finding someone else.

Any one got experience of this and come out the other side?

Before you move: how is he affording a big new garden and leaving you saddled with the debt?

I'd see a solicitor and get the max I could out of him before I moved.

I don't know how he's affording it. He is working now but didn't declare much of an income in the financial settlement
He pays very little maintenance for the boys and I got the house and didn't ask for anything else. I just wanted it over and he hadn't worked for so long he would have just carried on not working so I'd have had nothing to claim against. He is with the OW so I guess they have two incomes and no child related outgoings. He's also got a wealthy family who he's probably spun a yarn to, his charm and ability to fast talk where why I first fell for him, they are probably helping him get set up as I'm such a difficult person throwing him out separating him from his kids etc. Despite the fact he walked out having had affair straight in with someone else and refused all discussion. I think the solicitors have done very well out of this divorce and I'm not confident its his money but the boys wont see all of that. They'll just see Daddys big gdn and selection of shinny new toys - meanwhile Mummys banging on about finishing dinner because money to buy food doesn't grow on trees.

I'm not really the moany grass chewing, milk producing animal I sound like just having a life's not fair day.

I think you should see a solicitor before you sell up or move, tbh.

You can still do so even though it's all over.

I would definately still see a solicitor to tie all loopse ends like finances, just handing a house over is not finalising anything, you need maintenance sorted out definately.

you mention v little maint - if he is now working you should be getting 20% of his net income (reduced for any nights they spend with him) as a minimum as maint for the dc's.

It works out at less than 20% but I got a bit of money upfront from him in desperation as the car packed up and the roof started leaking in more places than I had buckets. I had a hell of a year and had an HMRC investigation to boot and felt I just couldn't cope. The lovely HMRC at one point said they wouldn't review my revised application for child/ working tax credit for three months to allow me to submit a load of paperwork. I was negative at the bank, the house felt like it was falling down, I did an email deal with my ex that we wouldn't review until Sept 2009 when my younger son starts nursery (he'll be 3, I'm in Wales so I think nursery starts a year earlier). On a positive note the HMRC did review sooner. They don't seam to always realise that supermarkets don't take money on an annual review basis.

The Ex is a charming con artist and can be violent (the emotional is actually worse than the physical it takes longer to get over) - he got quite bad with the boys before he left and I really don't want to antagonize him. He has just started to have unsupervised access of the boys for 2.5 hrs a week. After attacking me in December I now have another adult present at handover and drop off. Its such a sad case and I feel that he's told everyone that somehow its all my fault. He's made contact with all our previous joint friends about how he's moved on and happy now but he's missing the boys but the reality is he shit on us and doesn't give a stuff - but knows its good for PR. Did I mention his limited success as a writer was as a parenting author and he still manifests himself as some form of parenting expert?

My solicitor was even conned by him and said he seamed like a charming and reasonable man. Fortunately he did see the flip side on one occasion and was quite shocked so I felt he could see I wasn't insane. The worst of it is I covered for his abuse and made excuses how weak does that make me to turn around and say oh I lied the bruises weren't all due to rough and tumble.

I didn't really expect to get anything from him and from reading about others something is better than nothing but it seams unfair that the boys should be worse of than him. We really didn't need a third plastic lawn mower last weekend but some help with the car bill would be gratefully received!

This has turned into an enormous rant. Very theraputic. My parents left a couple of bottles of wine when they visited tail end of last week and there was a large glass that needed finishing so I've indulged.

Maybe I should stop trying to be so honourable and stick to agreements I was manipulated into out of desperation and go to the CSA?{hmm] I'm a bit worried it will send me insane with paperwork and plausible excuses (blatant lies) why he can't pay more i.e. can't cook so nightly take aways are essential living.

It can help to have an outlet on here (god knows I have been using it recently).
Only you can decide how you feel about going back on agreements - as far as I am aware the CSA levels are pretty concrete, it doesn't appear to matter what other outgoings there are - the % of net income (after tax, NI & pension contributions) is set depending on the number of children.

I can only imagine what it must be like to worry about your children being with their father and still having to let them see him, my only consoling thought when my dc's go with their father is that I know they will be loved and looked after.

I am probably not helping, but wanted to respond.

Dear A,

I think you should follow the good advice you got on here and def see a solicitor. Unless he paid you out (clean cut divorce settlement with high lump sum) you are entitled to go back and ask for more. (Bear in mind, he can at any time also go back and reduce the amount should he have valid reasons for it -unemployment, other kids, etc.)

Fact is, you are entitled to proper maintenance for your boys. And after such a long time together I'd guess partially even for you. After all, you are the main carer for them and need to pay child minders, nursery, etc. If you don't want money from him directly, maybe he could pay it into the boys' bank account or individually pay for kindergarten, nursery, childcare, vouchers for food, etc. He has a legal responsibility he cannot shed.

I'm so sorry to hear he has been violent to you and the boys. The incident is less than 6 months old so if I were you I'd go to the police, a lawyer and your GP to report it. Do not let this opportunity pass you by! You are shielding your sons from a potentially harmful person.

In regards to your worries over downsizing and the boys blaming you. They are very small still and probably won't tremember much of the turmoil. Yes, they might say Dad has this and why can't we have it? buy it? go tere? but fact of the matter is, that their own father is depriving them of having the same life standard. TBH, he sounds like un untrustworthy, lying schemer and if I were you, I'd let time work its magic. When the boys grow up a bit more they'll see how hard you've worked to give them everything they have and how their father was the one that made life so difficult for you and them. They'll admire your courage and strength.

I actually slept well last night. It was so good to let it all out and have a rant. I definitely need to get better at not trying to resolve everything myself. I'm going to think about going back the legal route and look on the CSA website if they have one.

My one fear is I don't want to upset the fragile line we have established with access to the boys. Them knowing their father and having visits has to be good for them - much as its painful to say.

Who said life was easy?

I can see myself poring it all out here its so good not to be alone.

Antagony any money your ex has given you is seperate from maintenance, don't let the fear of you antagonising him stop you from claiming money for your children, if your ex has access visits to the children then he can put his hand in his pocket and pay for them

ANT - glad to hear that you slept well. Hope you manage to come to some resolution.
H and I have not yet sorted our finances, I am not really looking forward to that discussion even though I don't doubt that he will provide for the dc's. It will just make everything so very final.

Thank you for all your words of encouragement. I really need to learn how to stand up for my family and whats right.

In a nice twist to the tale I had the estate agent out to value my house and he reckons I could sell some of the garden as a building plot. Hes called in a favour from a local architect who's coming to help me scope it all out on Thurdsay.