Lone parent feel I am going crazy with loneliness

[blueincense]

Hi all, I've been a lone parent to my kid 12 or so years now. Always 100% on my own. My ex is around but due to health issues cannot support us and never available really for anything practical or helpful, nor financial.

I have no family locally and am stuck in at home pretty much every night of the week. I can't cultivate friendships because I can never maintain them or make plans (except when my kid is at school) and all my old friends have moved away or we have grown apart.

I will generally pick myself up for a couple of days and then get down in the dumps again. i do a lot of overthinking - basically sat at home all the time it is hard not to go slightly crazy. I WFH so don't have a lot of interaction with others.

Sometimes I feel I am going crazy with the dullness and routine - every day there's some bloody new admin to deal with and little joy.

As this has been ongoing so long now at times I feel it is hopeless! And I am just getting older with nothing changing. I think I am a bit depressed. I struggle to make new friends at this age and will occasionally see people but might go a week or two without seeing anyone, and people are busy with their lives. Dating feels like an impossibility - I can't leave the house except during school hours.

Just wondered if anyone could empathise or feels similar or had any words of wisdom.

Hope all the other lone parents are doing ok.

I have always thought about this - thank you! I will look into it for sure.

Hi Op. How are you? Do you have weekends off? I like to plan something like swimming or taking children for a walk. It's not always easy and some weekend the weather and time of year can be against you.

thank you @OldwiseOwl I am feeling a bit better! I was inspired to look into volunteering outside with local conservation groups so I am going to hopefully start that even just once a month! The weekends thing is a bit difficult because on Saturday my kid has a club in the middle of the day then Sunday is so tired due to the long commute to school each day - as it is the only day off we tend to veg out a bit!! I think this is a big part of why I am so frustrated - weekends feel fairly limiting even for family time or outings. But we do get occasional weekends away or off during holidays. I guess I could do a bit more on my own or with a friend soon now my kid is older though. I do always try to go out for a walk.

You are right though the UK weather can be awful from about Dec to March or April at least - I think that is why I always get more down at this time of year. But I do need to get out!!

I have booked a holiday to see an old friend so that is exciting and something to look forwards to.

I am so grateful to all the kind people on this thread who have offered advice. I think it has all helped lift me a bit and get me thinking again about how I can improve things!! Thank you all :)

I was in exactly the same position OP. It all gets better about now. Things are about to get better😊

Your child is 12 or more and can be left for a couple of hours.

I started with ParkRun. My ds was generally still asleep and didn't even notice I was gone for an hour. Just chatting to other runners was a pleasure.

Then I joined the parish council who are very sociable. That gets me out of the house three or four evenings a month and involved in village life. And it got me involved in other groups.

All free if money is an issue. Then look for a class on a Sunday that is more sociable. My ds wanted to learn karate and I signed up too. I've met a few friends that way.

Have a great summer xx

Babysitters? Do you never leave her with anyone else?

I was also a lone parent for 12 years, those that have no experience won't have a clue or understand how mentally, physically and emotionally exhausting it is. Every single thing is on you, yet you are just expected to keep up like a two parent family.
I got out as much as l could when my children became more independent and after years and years of being on my own, l met a lovely man, naturally whilst walking and cycling. We have our own houses and finances and intend to keep it that way for foreseeable future, we get on really well and it's nice to have company as well as plans for weekends etc.
My advice would be get out as much as you can, l had no money, no car, l just walked and cycled on a cheap second hand bike and made an effort to try and interact with people whist out and about.
I also did some work in my front garden and was surprised how many people stopped and commented, l love growing plants and flowers.
Your way of life will change, have faith, try and find time to do things you enjoy, make your health and wellbeing a priority.

I was widowed young, so that is why l had no support.

thank you so much @Meadowfinch you have given me a lot of hope! I think being busy is key. I definitely need to get myself into some situations where i see the same people every so often to give those bonds a chance. I also think a bit of exercise will help my endorphins.

Money is tight but as a lone parent you find ways around things as you say.

Thank you for your support and kind words and am pleased to hear things got better for you! 🤗

Whilst I understand that it’d be with your 12 year old as well, which might not be your ideal, but why not try joining a local AmDram group - there would always be something for both of you to do, even painting scenery, alongside others where you can chat. There will likely be other groups available around you.
My kids are grown now, but living on a farm away from everyone and everything I became unused to grown up conversation. You’d not be signing up to any group for life. Or for both of you to always attend - but it’d be a starter.
Park run is a good idea as well.

When I was 12, my dad had died and my mum just wanted to enjoy herself. I forgive that tbh. Anyway, she booked me on a week long horse riding holiday in the countryside. It was amazing. I loved it. A group of young teens basically look-in after horses and riding all week. It wasn't a high income thing.

I appreciate it might cost but I'd ask dad for some financial help, even if small.

You could sign up to support from special groups supporting single parents. The fact her dad is sick would qualify her for a group that provides activities on the holidays with adults supervising it all. My child was engaged in one. Regular amazing activities and trips away in the holidays that were covered .

You enquire via the Local Authority for it.

Don't feel guilty, please don't. Age 12 is when most kids want independence. If she's away doing this, you could drive to the sea and go swim in the sea. You could look at visiting someone you care about.
You could go volunteer at an animal sanctuary.
You could get on plenty of fish and arrange a drink with some random ( in a safe public location!)

It just needs creativity here. It needs facing the guilt and saying fuck off, I do enough thanks. I want a break from being a mum and deserve it.

Honestly I always find babysitters too expensive on top of the cost of a night out. As a single parent it can be prohibitively expensive to be honest and I'd rather spend that money on something useful. I have used them very rarely but you are looking at £40 or so at least for a night out around here (plus whatever you are spending on your night out), it is crazy! Especially for a single parent. I do occasionally ask a friend but you never want to lean on people too much in case you need their help another time. I've also never really found people to be forthcoming on that front and so shy away from asking - I don't want to put upon people especially if they are not willing :(

@BeneathTheSea Sorry to hear things were hard for you but so pleased you managed to meet someone nice! I am glad to hear these things do happen.

Whilst dealing with very young kids can be exhausting I am realising now my kid is 12 I am less needed and really need to foster the external connections again more - as my kid is pulling away and wants to spend less time together. I asked if we could walk together home from school (meet half way) and my kid said no as she didn't want to be seen with me (too embarrassing) so I guess that is part of the loneliness as well. It doesn't help!

I definitely need to get out more and do more stuff. I'm glad you managed it and thank you for your kind words - wishing you all the best in your new relationship! 🙂

that is a nice idea, thank you - I will look into it for sure. 😊

I'm glad you are feeling better @blueincense . A bit every day or so can add up to a lot over time. If you need any more advice or want to vent about anything then this space can continue to be a support in that way, so reach out to us if you need to.

thank you @Wishyouwerehere50, you have some great ideas!

I like the idea of the holidays you mention for single parents. Will check this out.

I think a part of it is when things have been difficult and lonely so long you lose your mojo a bit if you know what I mean! But I do need to get out there. I think I have developed a worse social anxiety over the last decade TBH. Inside there is a social person but the belief that things can change is what has withered away and I feel to some extent so has the hope!

But all the lovely people on here have helped so much. I prob should go on a date at some point 😂but not quite sure yet. definitely some groups and some volunteering would be great for me I think. Something to get me out of the house on a semi regular basis at least.

Thank you so much!

Have you tried meet up? Ive just joined an online book club via them. Its a start!

I could have written a very similar post I'm sorry you're feeling this way, it is really tough. Could you work outside of the house or join a group club during the day to get it and meet people?

I'm a single parent to three children aged 15, 11 and 8. They go to their Dad's one night a fortnight but usually my DD (11) refuses to stay as her relationship with her Dad is very rocky at the moment so I never get any time in the evenings without at least one of the children at home. I work full time in an office job which is pretty much silent in the office all day so I'm just stuck with my own thoughts all day long. I do have my mum nearby but she is getting older and it's not easy for her to have all of the children at once to look after.

It's a very lonely existence at the moment and I'm really struggling to see an end to it. Before I went back to work full time I saw other Mum friends on my day off but now I don't get invited anywhere, I can't remember the last time any 'friends' even sent a text to see how I was, I didn't even get a single happy birthday from anyone on my 40th other that my Mum and the kids. I think when it gets to this stage it feels daunting trying to get back to meeting people.

I really hope things get easier for you and you can find a group nearby to meet people, maybe something like a craft or sports group or a book club perhaps.

I am dreading this age, my DS is 6 so a few years off yet but I am already preparing for it!

Hobbies, friends, pets, books, volunteering, saying "yes" to absolutely anything! Get yourself out there and start building your own life. Yes, it will be daunting, but start the gym, borrow a dog, visit your local library, go hiking, do it all and don't wait to do it with anyone else.