Lone parent feel I am going crazy with loneliness

[blueincense]

Hi all, I've been a lone parent to my kid 12 or so years now. Always 100% on my own. My ex is around but due to health issues cannot support us and never available really for anything practical or helpful, nor financial.

I have no family locally and am stuck in at home pretty much every night of the week. I can't cultivate friendships because I can never maintain them or make plans (except when my kid is at school) and all my old friends have moved away or we have grown apart.

I will generally pick myself up for a couple of days and then get down in the dumps again. i do a lot of overthinking - basically sat at home all the time it is hard not to go slightly crazy. I WFH so don't have a lot of interaction with others.

Sometimes I feel I am going crazy with the dullness and routine - every day there's some bloody new admin to deal with and little joy.

As this has been ongoing so long now at times I feel it is hopeless! And I am just getting older with nothing changing. I think I am a bit depressed. I struggle to make new friends at this age and will occasionally see people but might go a week or two without seeing anyone, and people are busy with their lives. Dating feels like an impossibility - I can't leave the house except during school hours.

Just wondered if anyone could empathise or feels similar or had any words of wisdom.

Hope all the other lone parents are doing ok.

Why can’t they go see their dad? It’s not like they are a baby who needs watched.

Does your child never go out with their friends?
Mines 15 now so slightly older but is constantly out or at sleepovers.

The older they become the more life you’ll have back.

Unfortunately the dad is unwell (long term illness) so cannot have her over and is unavailable most of the time. Also lives in unsuitable accommodation, so all visits are here as / when he is available.

Occasionally goes out to see friends but it is rare and as she's only 12 it's not like she can go out late - I always have to be here to cook dinner etc.

Just have to hang in there another few years.

I think now your DC is 12, you can start getting more freedom. Start small by joining a group you are interested in. Something like tennis is great as there will be other beginners in a local club. I would suggest doing something like this (or craft or music, whatever you like) for one hour a week and then as time moves on take it from there.

Its incredibly hard but there is light at the end of the tunnel

thank you @Ferryweather . I think I get so down and overthink everything and winter has been hard that it can be hard to think outside of the box. There's a women's walk on this week that I might attend locally - maybe that would be nice. I just have to commit and go to it! No excuses.

I realise I sound so miserable but at this age it can be hard to find enthusiasm when people are so busy and I am so stuck here all the time!

Any chance you could move to where you have support? I'm a lone parent and if I didn't live near my parents I'd have no support as their father is useless by choice. Also any clubs they could go to in an evening to give you a few hours free, you could go to a club yourself of a gym or go for a walk or read a book. There will be social groups in your area maybe worth a quick facebook search? There's a great single parents support group in our nearest city that helped me when I first became a single parent.

look into changing your work routine. Can you go back into the office a few days a week. If not go to a coffee shop. You need to be interacting with people more.

Your daughter is 12, that’s a perfectly acceptable age to be leaving her at home for an hour or two in the evening whilst you go out.

She’s also of an age to be able to even feed herself now if needed. You need to be giving her more responsibility and independence. Does she have friends you can alternate weekend sleepovers with to give you a break?

Even if you can’t get out without her mix things up and try and make life more exciting. Go on a cinema trip of ether, plan a fun dinner at home making pizzas and having a movie night.

Thank you - I would move away to my parents if it were a suitable option but I think I would be more depressed - they live somewhere very quiet and there is illness in the family so it would not really help much. And there's not really any old friends there any more!

Yes I think I need to try the FB groups again. I went through all of this a few years ago when my kid was younger which was very hit and miss tbh and I didn't love it - not sure I am a great one for kid / mum meetups. But perhaps now I can do something a bit more for myself again. Maybe a walking group or something would work.

same here but with 4 kids so very tricky, people just don’t understand. i had people not understanding why i didn’t have someone that could have all of them for me to have a social life!

I think i do need to go to a coffee shop at least one day a week, that is a good idea. I used to a long time ago. I don't have an office to go into so that won't work unfortunately. And I must go to the gym one day a week. I'm not sure if I will be chatting with people but it would get my mood up a bit perhaps which might help me feel more social and happy! And maybe some volunteering or something?

We have a very quiet life TBH, I am hopeful she will make some more friends soon but we're not really in sleepover territory unfortunately. It's been very rough! I've done all I can to facilitate more friendships over the years for us both but feel like we are a bit cursed. Most things have just fizzled out for me and my friendships too. it's weird - I used to be so sociable but being a single parent has just obliterated everything. Probably partly because I am at home all the bloody time and feeling like I am going a bit crazy and depressed - it probably affects my mental health a little and so friendships. Like a vicious circle!

She does seem to be making a few more friends at secondary now so that is good but it is slow and a brand new school so is taking time.

I do my best to plan activities together but there are just days where I feel so lonely like I am pushing a rock up a hill and end up at the bottom again! But need to get a few more in the calendar.

Thank you!

Hi OP.
This sounds really difficult. It sounds like you are a bit depressed, and stuck in a rut.
So getting out if that rut is extra hard.
But, as the saying goes, if nothing changes, then nothing will change.
You do have the power to make that change.
Posting on here was the first step- You can see that something has to give.
I agree with PP who said to change up your working life, get out of the house somehow. Taking work to a coffee shop is a good idea.
And I would definitely say 12 years old is old enough to be left alone for a few hours.
Start small, and try one step towards change.
Good luck 👍

thank you so much! your username is how I feel 😂.

I will plan to work out of the house one morning or afternoon a week, and go to the gym one morning a week. And find a walking group or look into volunteering.

If anyone feels like popping on the thread a bit later in the week to help me remain accountable I would be very grateful!!

I think sometimes it is just good to get it out on paper.

I find myself overthinking every interaction I have with everyone - perhaps depression speaking - worrying why someone replied to a text the way they did or why I've not heard from XX in so long. It really goes around my head so long and at a time when I feel so bloody lonely I really spiral so badly.

I completely understand this. I work from home full time and hate it. The isolation of it makes me more socially anxious and I too end up worrying about what people think of me, was my text misconstrued, what did people think of that email?

I have started looking for local things I can do at lunchtime, gym, yoga, a social chat group etc. That has helped a lot.

As others say, your daughter is of an age where she will be able to left for a bit of time by herself so you can get out. So things should start to improve for you.

Social isolation is genuinely one of the worst things a person can experience. People who haven’t experienced it can’t understand it

@Greycatblueeyes thank you for your kind words. I am glad to hear things are better for you.

I think one of the worst things is how long it has gone on. It makes you feel pretty hopeless at times. Plus dealing with the ex can be difficult as well. It can be a really vicious circle. I think for being social it is hard because you get out of practice then when you do see people they think you are weird or awkward. TBF I have always been a bit awkward around new people - but I used to have lots of old friends and am a social type when you get to know me so I'm not a complete freak or recluse or anything.

I think depression also has led me to take a bit less care of myself - I am trying to overcome that right now - but put on weight and I need some new clothes. In my loneliness I eat or drink wine or whatever, which obvs is not a solution.

Hopefully I can pull out of this pit a bit now spring is coming. Congrats on getting things a bit sorted your end, I appreciate your reply.

Could you join a local walking group or a running club, just something to get you out of the house and interacting? You can leave a 12yo for an hour while you do that. Also try meetup. Would you like to try online dating?
could you get a babysitter?
I understand about having a child without many of their own friends. It’s tough but will hopefully get better.
if you genuinely feel depressed, see your GP as they might be able to help.
sorry you’re going through a tough time

thank you for your kind words. I thought I'd tagged you upthread but must have forgotten. I am going to try to do a bit more and find online groups again. Solidarity on the useless ex front! :)

thank you. been thinking about a walking group for a while because I think it is easier to make new friends in a situation like that. A coffee shop could be a bit awkward, face to face, but a walk is less intimidating somehow.

Could consider the GP I guess, I think I am just so used to this being the default that I have given up on them! and want to avoid medication. I know exercise will be brilliant for that though - just need to get to the pool and get over my fear of being out in public on the exercise equipment....! I'm not extremely overweight but I do feel embarrassed as I've piled it on recently.

I was in that situation for about 10 years - still am in a certain way but it’s a different dynamic now. I think i was on autopilot for many years just to get things done and didn’t even realise how lonely and depressed i was feeling. It’s very difficult with 0 support.

It took me a lot of trial and error, some groups are just not your vibe, but eventually I landed on a group that’s more aligned with me. I do a book club, crafts and walks with them. I can’t say we’re close friends but honestly even just being out feels good.

If you join a walking group maybe ask if they expect a certain fitness level to keep up, just in case. Just saying this because I’ve had a bad experience with a walk leader that got quite stroppy but she hadn’t mention she expected a good fitness level, it was an open group thing.

thankyou @Bingbopboomboomboombopbam - glad to hear things are a bit better for you! Just being out of the house is good, and socialising can be hard but little opportunities open up new other ones too I guess.

Lone parenting is super tough and one of the things I think most non lone parents don't realise is the toll it takes to be alone 24/7 some weeks and months for years on end. So just finding the energy to step out and socialise and be the happy person that you need to be to make those bonds can in itself be hard going when you live like that. And this comes from me as a previously sociable person.

Hopefully things will get a bit easier soon! They can't get worse... 😂(although better not say that ha ha!). Who knows.

thank you - yes this is something I have worried about a little! I do actually walk quite a lot as I don't drive and am not super unfit for it but could definitely do with getting my health levels up again. Over the winter it is too easy to stay in and hibernate.

I was looking up a walking group earlier but it's closed for a few weeks - prob a good opportunity to get a few weeks practice in!!

If you have a local park run both you and your daughter could sign up for that. There’s no pressure on what fitness level you are and he’s a great way to get involved with the community.

Walking group sounds a good option. There may also be opportunities for conservation volunteering near you (google TCV). Activities that get you out into nature can really boost your mood, that as well as interacting with others and feeling part of a community. If you live near a stately home or similar there may be opportunities to do voluntary gardening (simple tasks). There is evidence that even just working with soil boosts the mood!
Would your employer allow a day away now and then so that you can do voluntary work? I think some employers have a policy of allowing this. Another rewarding activity can be reading with primary school children - look up SchoolReaders. Many schools are desperate for this support and it makes a huge difference to the children, and they can be really amusing and sweet. Understand if this sounds like the last thing you feel like doing though!

It does sound you are mildly depressed and may be worth seeing your GP. Either counselling (which you could source yourself) or a low dose of medication from your GP can make a huge difference. There is no shame in this.
I wish you all the best for the future! 💖

My advice is to approach this where you are not doing it to make friends but are doing it to keep busy and have an interest - in my experience you are then much more likely to make friends. Local Facebook meet up groups can be very hit and miss and I think it’s better to let friendships develop organically but put yourself in the situations where they might develop.

I love this idea of conservation volunteering - I don't get enough time in nature TBH. I have been a mega hermit over winter but it's not good for my mental health! I can definitely get out of work for a day or so - (flexible working). This might definitely help!

Thank you so much for your kind words and advice, all noted. The power of MN means I am feeling happier already since having posted and so grateful for all the kind feedback and ideas on this thread.

thank you - all sage advice. I def need a regular group of some kind to give it a bit of time and see where it goes. :)