Will this kind of seperation damage my relationship with my daughter?

[pinguthepenguin]

Hi guys

I've posted on here a fair bit in the last year and had some great advice. As many of you know, I seperated from my partner (he left for ow) when our dd was newborn. It was devastating to say the least and I've since posted some pretty incoherent things on here in an attempt to make sense of of all, including saying I hated being a parent .
Despite everything, things are improving. I've returned to work, I'm in the process of buying a house- I'm even seeing someone. Exp has bought a (very big) house with ow and is moving in with her and her child in 2 weeks. He has well and truly moved on. It is of course, still dreadfully painful- I still lament and I still feel everything that I felt before- but on a much lesser scale. Our child is still only 11 months old.
As time passes it feels easier and what I seem to be facing now are the practicalities that other lone parents are dealing with.

Due to my work commitments, He has to have DD one night during the week overnight, from 5.30pm til 7.30am next morn. He also has her Sat night from teatime til teatime Sunday. Recently though, as I've started to get my life on track and feel like myself again, I've sometimes asked him to put her to bed in his house on the Sunday night as well, and drop her at the childminders on the Monday morning. In essence, this means that he sometimes has her 3 nights a week. It really is only the nights (apart from the Sunday), as on the on the other 2 days, he doesn't pick her up til teatime. we both work full time, so essentially, I only get Saturdays when I spend a full day with her. Likewise- he only gets Sundays. (although to add- as a teacher I also get 13 weeks a year full holiday with her too)

My worry is this- my DD doesn't ever seem to hanker after me ( she is very easy going) and I'm afraid that it's because we don't spend enough time together. I know that I'm in the position of many parents who work full time,- but I also have the added separation from her when she is with her father.

I guess my question is this- Does she spend too much time away from me? Is 3 nights too much? (Its not every week, although its definitely 2) Will this level of seperation damage my relationship with her?

worried

There's no reason why this should harm her at all. She has contact with both parents who are both putting her wellbeing first and showing her they love her (you are doing amazingly well, big up to you )

Of course, when she is a teenager she will blame you for absolutely everything ever, but then that's what teenagers do, no matter how their parents raised them.

The time you have with your daughter, you really look forward to and enjoy every minute with her.

If she wasn't with her Dad, then you would have to use time with your daughter to prepare meals, housework etc so it isnt always quality time.

Im sure ther are lots of men who dont live with their children, who have a really good relattionship with them.

Thanks girls, lovely messages.

One of my friends has hinted that I should'nt be letting her stay on the Sunday night as well, that its for personal reasons I ask exp to have her. She claims that although there isn't anything I can do about her having to go with her dad in the week and once at the weekend, that by letting her stay the Sunday night as well, I'm asking for trouble. I feel worried by this. My reasons for asking him to have her the Sunday as well, is because to put it simply- he brings her back at teatime, when she is resdy for bed, exhausted and not in the mood to play, so it seems a bit pointless bringing her back to spend 'quality' time. By asking him to put her to bed in his house, it also means that I can stay out with friends/nm/do paperwork/just relax.

Writing that down does sound selfish. Is my friend right?

No, your friend is being a silly twat. She either thinks that you should treat your XP as toxic waste and resent every second your DD spends with him (a stupid and harmful attitude) or she thinks that because you are a Mother you are not entitled to any time that isn't devoted to either childcare or housework (another stupid and harmful attitude - she probably hasn't got any DC).
It's really really good that your DD is spending nearly half the week with each of you, she is building a relationship with both parents (and it is good for you and your XP to be able to keep it civilised and amicable, too. You are, after all, co-parents. You'll each be the other's person who is most interested in DD throughout her life.)

Thanks madamez for taking the time.

I do work hard during the week. DD is with me for 4 of those nights. I do her cooking, all her washing/ironing/waking up in the night and I have all the mornings as evenings with her. I also have all of the school holidays with her, so part of thinks this is better than many working mums have to deal with, and I still ahve her way more than her dad does ( don't get me wrong- I'm not trying to compete- but for may reasons, I don;t want a shared residence situation with her dad). The other part of me thinks that when he has her the Sunday night ( following on from the sat) that its just one full day in the week that I don't have to rush back to the house to wait for DD to arrive, that I can have that sat night til monday morning just for me. Why do I feel guilty about that?

i am [shocked] to say that i agree completely with madamez completely

you are doing really well to have organised things between you like this and your Dd is obviously happy and secure

Totally agree with Madamez on this.

You are both doing a fab job, she is well looked after and receiving the care and attention that she needs - from both parents.

No matter what the parenting situation, teenagers HATE/BLAME their parents for EVERYTHING at some stage.

As she grows up she will appreciate the fact that she has both parents in her life and see that she has a good role model in her mother.

It sounds like you are doing a great job. She is with a parent every night of the week, and if she seems easy going and cheerful then that is probably because she is feeling secure.

Pingu, you are doing so well.I'm glad things in your life are settling down.
Would it be an idea to build the Sunday night stay with her Dad into the arrangements for DD? For example, once or twice a month, so that you are not asking for a favour and can look forward to your time off and he can also make plans for those Sundays?
Of course you may prefer it the way it is as a more loose arrangement, but I think it can make you feel more guilty that way as though you shouldn't be having it iyswim?

Clouded, I know what you mean- its the asking that seems to make me guilty- like I'm doing it entirely for my own benefit. (which to large extent is true). We agreed recently you see that he would have her one full weekend per month (fri night til mon morn), and although that has only happened twice so far, my friend said that building the sunday night thing into it as well is too much. In essence, even if she is staying the sat and sun night- its still a day and a half in a whole week with her father- hardly a lot is it? ( the mid week stay is more a straight-to-bed scenario, then dropped off at c.minders in the morn.)

I don't know. Maybe I should cut out the Sunday night thing.

What would you do if you and your ex and his girlfriend and your daughter were the only people on this planet capable of speech?

In other words, what would you do if the only people to pass comment were those who had the right to?

Do that.

I'm not sure I understand the last post

Pingu if you are happy to have your daughter stay over your ex's on the sunday then thats fine, although it might be different when she starts school cause then you would want her back at tea time to bath her and spend a little time with her before she goes to bed, at them moment it lookes like you and your ex both have shared care so when it comes to mainteance your ex can get a reduction on how many nights he has your child.

I understand now Pingu. Is your ex OK about keeping her on Sunday sometimes or does he make you feel bad about it?
Really, as long as you and your ex are cooperative and friendly(ish)so that DD isn't picking up loads of tension between you (of course there will be some), I think that any arrangements you make for her will be fine.
It's to your credit that she moves easily between you and, as you say, the holidays give you much more time with her.
While she is so little I think it's wonderful that she sees her Dad so often as she can keep him in mind more easily. I guess as she gets older things could change so that you could each have regular full weekends with her if you wanted.
x

Pingu - I could only dream my ex was as reasonable as you. You sound like a brilliant parent; you are putting your child first.

By way of contrast - my ex left without warning, made DV and abuse allegations against me, refuses to talk to me (a year later my exMIL still hands over my son to me). All of the time he spends with me is court ordered (which I brought about because she refused any negotiation or mediation whatsoever) and I learnt at court recently she is moving halfway across the country for a `fresh start'. My son is not yet 2 years old.

Read that and contrast it with your situation. Like I say...I dream of my ex being half as reasonable as you.