Single mum to 9 yr old. Totally fed up.

[Soulsearcher1]

Hello, I'm a single mum to a 9 year old Dd. I have never had any support from any family and dont have any real friends. I'm really struggling to hold it al together. I find dd very difficult to manage. She's very emotional, moody, secretive, tells lies, messes up the house, does things she knows she's not allowed to do. I had to confiscate her tablet for good as she kept altering the parental controls so she could play on it much longer. She demands my constant attention, wants me to do things with her all the time like take her out etc. I cant get any housework done at the weekend because she sulks about the fact im doing it and not spending time with her or taking her out and makes me feel so guilty. Im always so tired and drained and find it impossible to keep ontop of the house work. The house is tiny and always messy and chaotic. I hate it. My daughter never helps tidy and only ever seems to make a mess.

I have an incredibly demanding job snd work long hours to try to keep afloat. My department is massively under resourced and im probably do the job of 2 people.

My dd cries and sulks whenever I work from home outside of work hours as she thinks my time should be devoted to her.

She hates it if I show anyone else attention like her friends if they ever come round. She was even jealous when I was upset about our dog dying recently, because she thought that meant I loved our dog more.

She never gets invited to any of her friends houses, or parties. I don't understand why as she's quite popular at school. It breaks my heart as I know she'd love it and I feel she's missing out on so much. She wont be a child for much longer. It would also give me a bit of a break.

I am so totally fed up of this horrible, stressful, miserable existence and worry about my dd so much and think im doing a lousy job as she seems so moody and unhappy. I love her so much but I find it very hard to live with her. Getting her up in the mornings is a nightmare.

I'm so depressed and on sertraline but it does nothing. I also suffer chronic pain from surgery I had a few years ago which has also left me facially disfigured but that's another story.

I don't know what I'm asking really. I just needed to get it off my chest.

sounds shit OP. You’ve got to grit your teeth and get through the primary school
stage as it gets easier when they’re at secondary and can be a bit more independent. Sorry to hear you’re having such a tough time.

It sounds like your dd really wants some quality time with you, are there activities you can do together that you both enjoy?

I'm a single parent to a daughter and at that age we would do things like baking, play a board game, read a book, watch films, take her swimming, make a craft kit etc.

You sound understandably knackered and I imagine your dd is fed up.

Does she do many clubs outside of school? Age 9/10yo seemed to be peak club years and dd had something almost every day.

Re housework it's fine to set rules and boundaries and I think it's good you've banned the iPad tbh.

I think the opposite of the pp, you have to enjoy this time as you lose them when they go to secondary ime 😕

Thank you both for your replies.

@Girliefriendlikespuppies yes, I think you're right. We watch tv together, occasionally play a board game, I try to take her out every weekend. We used to do baking but not for some time. She goes to Brownies and an after school club. I've booked her into a performing arts class starting in a couple of weeks which I'm really hoping she enjoys. She feels sad that none of her friends invite her over. I don't understand why none of their parents can't invite her over once in a while. Within her friendship group she tells me they're always going to each other's houses but my daughter is never invited. Even when we have a friend of hers round here, she doesn't get an invite in return.

My dd is fed up and I feel I'm letting her down. I'm considering moving to near where her cousins live as she's quite close to them. We used to live nearby anyway and I have some family there too.

Moving near cousins (and wider family) could be a great thing.

it does sound like you’re running on empty and your DD knows it. This might come across as her being needy, but it might be her way of communicating fear and loneliness and lack of support. If you’re doing it ALL on your own with a full on job, that isn’t sustainable.

Also, when do you get to have fun and relax? Sounds like you’re busy meeting your employer’s and your kid’s needs with nothing left over for you :(

I would guess this is friendship related. She’s not being included and it’s causing her to latch on to you. My DD is 20 and ever since she decided to ditch all her friends after completing college she does the same. The clinginess it’s actually having the opposite effect on me, it makes me want space even more.

I think at 9 the messiness or not helping is relatively normal, but it’s a good time to start involving her in it. I didn’t have many issues with my DD until high school but looking back I do think I should have started giving her more responsibilities at home instead of trying to do everything myself to make up for what was lacking in other areas. I’ve only recently fixed that with a rota and it’s working really well.

If she’s not getting invited, is there any chance she could invite people over? Unfortunately by 9 it’s a good way to make friends. My DD social life massively improved once we moved from a 1 bedroom to a 2 bedroom where she could have friends over in the living room + her bedroom.

Oh you poor thing. This is very stressful. Single parent - know how it is. First you need time for you, an evening a week or fortnight. A break - that is essential. In terms of your daughter can you suggest meet ups? It’s odd she has friends in school but not invited. Has she got a hobby? I have one DC, 15 now, and us both having our own activities has been crucial.

@undrugged I never looked at it that way but I think you're absolutely right. I am running on empty and always doing things for others but not myself. I never go out and my only relaxation is watching tv. Unfortunately I also suffer from chronic pain., constant headaches and ear problems due to radical neck surgery I had over a year ago which I believe was unnecessary. It's debilitating and has made me very very depressed. I often think that I'd rather not be here but I push on for my daughter's sake.

@PanicPanicc yes it could be friendship related. I think she gets quite lonely as she's an only child. She's also quite a sensitive girl and I know she must pick up on the fact I'm very depressed due to chronic pain.I do my best to hide it. I will try to invite more of her friends over. I tell her often that she can invite anyone she wants but nothing happens. It's probably because I'm not friends with the parents.

@Hollyhedge I don't get a break very often. My dd stays with her dad for a week 2 or 3 times a year which is when I get a break. I'd so love to have a good friend I could talk to about all this but since I moved to this town about 8 years ago I haven't made any real friends. I've tried but it's a close knit community and most of the other mums grew up here and went to the same school etc and I just don't think I fit in.

@Soulsearcher1 I’m not friends with any of the parents either, I only knew them vaguely as i was usually substantially younger than them - it shouldn’t be a problem, just offer your number as contact, etc.

I would book a weekend away somewhere cheap just you two, leave devices at home etc.

Also get her involved in housework etc. Possibly easier said than done but that could free up a bit of time for you, also it's time you spend together, so you could fold laundry, do the washing up, do a ten minute living room tidy together then you would have more free time to spend with her. Then she gets a reward - watch a movie, pizza night together or something in return for her help and support.

Book in some fun activities for you both - even if it's just a walk at weekends or a trip to the library or eat some chips on the beach or in the park or something :)

I feel for you OP. It's probably that she might just want some quality 1:1 time with you, can you start to do more things together? Even cooking dinner can be a nice (and helpful!) way to bond. Go for walks, puzzles, board games etc

I am a single parent to a 9 year old boy. No play dates here either. He was invited to two parties once but he is autistic and he got really upset.
I am not in exactly the same position as you as have parents (elderly) and a sister nearby but we it's complicated. I never go out or do anything for myself either at the moment and also feel my son picks up on my low mood.
Whereabouts do you live?