Dont think Ex wants contact with ds

[shelleylou]

Hi,
I did a thread a little while ago asking if id been really nice or incredibly stupid to invite my ex to stay to see ds. Ds hadnt seen his dad since before easter.

We had a conversation yesterday and i said about him seeing ds once every 3 or 4 weeks. I asked him about coming down on the train and told him the cost where he gets the train changes etc. He then mentioned he'd come down this weekend but would let me know today. He sent me a message this pm saying he "cant do it". This is the 3rd time he "cant" and has had some excuse or other that he cant see ds.

I just dont know what else i can do DS is
innocent in all of this but i cant and will not allow ds to get hurt by all this as he did today. Luckily he's only young so wont have any memory of it but he knows his dad and got really upset when he knew he wasnt seeing his dad. I really cant understand how xp can easily not see his ds but can his daughter and his previous ex's 2 daughters.

Could you contact him in writing, or via a solicitor? Then you will have proof that you have tried to contact him.

If he never sees your son again, you can prove to your son that you tried your best. Or if your ex tries to blame you for not allowing contact, you have proof to say you wanted contact

It would probably go in the bin or if i used a solicitor id have a load of hassle of him and possibly his mum which i could really do without at the moment.

I might look into a solicitors letter though as they will send me a copy which i can keep for ds to see when hes older.

I dont know why its made me feel the way it has as he ran away for a week twice in a matter of days and had no contact with ds at all. It left me with nothing for ds aswell

sometimes with men, the more you want something then the more stubborn they get!

or maybe he feels that being a part time dad isn't really good enough, so why bother?

He's being a part time dad to his daughter and to girls that are no relation to him. Im sure its cos ds obviously is a boy. He's got his surname and PR to stop me changing it so why does he need to bother now

sadly,some people just dont give a shit.i agree you should do everything you can so that you can show ds you tried when he's older,but apart from that you may just have to accept that xp isnt that bothered,and make a good life for you and your ds without him in it.i know its sad and i used to find it impossible to understand how my xh could not give a damn about his son but now 4.5 years on i am thankfull that man is not in my sons life.

He's always seen ds then stopped. I know in my heart if hearts that both ds and i are better without him in our lives. I never planned on being a single parent, as no one else does but deffinately not without ds seeing his dad

I decided today whilst watching ds play in the garden that i have a happy contented little boy and i am not going to jepordise that in anyway.

Im going to go to a solicitor and get a letter sent to XP stating the steps i have taken to maintain contact between him and ds and that i am no longer prepared to do that.

Im also going to get as many rights as i can. Im going to apply for a residence order so its all legal that ds lives with me and his sperm donor dad cant try to take him. I know i cant change ds's name at the moment by deed poll as i need to have XP's consent. I really do think it is now best for ds to have my surname so as not to cause him more upset as he gets older. I may apply for a court specific order to try and change it now.

Im aware some people will think i should wait to do certain things and in case XP changes his mind. I really cant see that happening, hes showing no intrest in him at all. I feel that i need to do all i can now to protect my son in the present and future. I refuse to risk losing the happy little boy i have now to be replaced by a boy thats hurt confused and upset most of the time due to his father's actions.

sounds like youve given it alot of thought,however,its pretty difficult to change a child's surname these days.i wanted to change my ds2's but the solicitor said i had no chance unless having that name could be proven to cause him emotional distress or something(he gave an example of the biological father being a murderer/drug dealer whos name was all over the papers or such).my ds2 has been 'known as' my maiden name since he was a baby though.apart from that there was not really anything else legal i could do to protect him from his father.my dh applied to adopt him well over a year ago now and we are still waiting for a date for the court hearing to decide if they can dispense with xh's consent to the adoption.

it kind of makes me wish a blank space had been left on his birth certificate where the fathers details should be.

I have given it a lot of thought. My ds is everything to me and ill do everything i can to protect him. I know its hard to get a childs surname changed and it has to be for the childs welfare. I think him havin xp surname will cause him distress if hes not having contact with him, its a permanant reminder.

Sorry its taken so long for your court hearing. IKWYM about the blank fathers details. I wish he didnt have any PR for my son. I wish as much if not more that I had listened to my dad and given ds my surname. He is now and always has been a X not a Y surname IYKWIM

I wish I had listened to my dad and given dd my surname also, but xp and I were together then and it felt like the right thing to do. I think you'll have real problems trying to change your ds's surname, it might be something you just have to live with and it probably won't bother your ds at all. I think, in a way, that you're in a good position, I would love for my xp not to want to see my dd. Xp drinks and can't be trusted with her and I can't stop him seeing her, so I'm currently in bits about him taking her out tomorrow. Like you, dd is my life and all I want to do is protect her. Be thankful that you have a lovely, happy little boy who you are able to look after properly and don't have to worry about some w**r who just happened to donate sperm taking him out with unsuitable people and making him miserable.

I think it'll bother him as he gets bigger if it does. It breaks my heart ds asking for daddy and his dad not being bothered./ Ive given him several opportunities what else can i do??
Im not sure ds would recognise his dad as it is at the moment with his age and length of time since he's seen him.
I do just think of XP as a sperm donor he isnt being a dad to him at all. My brothers, dad and some male friends who ive known for years are more of that figure for him.

amfay-why cant you stop xp seeing your dd?

my xp(the father of my eldest 2)was violent and emotionally abusive to me throughout our 4 years together.he carried on seeing the dc for 5 years after we split even though i tired to stop it a few times.i was told by a solicitor that i couldnt stop him seeing them unless he had harmed them and i could prove it.dd1 especially hated going with him.in the end it was easier for me to go places with the 3 of them,which he liked bacause he wanted me back(which was really the only reason he kept insisting on seeing the kids),but when i met dh xp didnt like it and assaulted dh(then dp)in front of the kids.they were old enough to understand what was going on by this time though,and refused to have anymore contact with him.

so i have been through the splitting up and contact issues thing twice over now,and i know its horrible and so difficult to understand how somebody can be so uncaring towards their own child,but you get through it in the end.