How do I manage my ill health and kids not listening to me. Any tips?

[stressedandamess]

Hi all.
I've recently been diagnosed with extremely high blood pressure. As well as medication my GP said to eliminate all stress which is a laugh

I'm working a single parent with a 13 year old DS with ADHD and a 4 year old DD.
As you can imagine mornings getting sorted for school are a nightmare. Full of rushing, shouting and reminding etc. if I don't do this we will be late and/or things forgotten.
And then there is the homework fiasco in the evenings. I get really stressed that they pee about or refuse to do it.
This morning I was doing the same and I felt extremely light headed and literally slid to the floor.

I'm scared if I keep stressing I'll have a heart attack but if I leave them to it they'll be late/homework won't be done or submitted to a good standard.

I have no support system either so literally no one else to run this by.

I'd appreciate any tips.
Thank you

Could you talk to the school about the homework. Explain that you are doing all possible to ensure your ds does his homework but he isn’t always listening to you. Perhaps a teacher could have an encouraging word with him. I hope that your blood pressure resolves.

You need to email school & explain. I teach & would hate a parent to make themselves ill with the stress of it all!

Do you have anyone who can help with getting kids to school? Especially the youngest?

I also think that by 13 you need to put the responsibility on the child to get up & out. If they get marked late more than once a week then I reckon the school would issue a detention. So that's their fault if they can't get up & out on time. I work 4 days & can only drop mine up to school a couple of mornings & so since Year 7 mine have had to get themselves up & dressed & out the house on their own 3 mornings a week. They have to lock up too. So you might need to step back from the 13 year old & let them start being more independent?

Sorry just saw 13 year old has ADHD - however you might find that if you get bag ready for him the night before he can start to be a bit more independent. I realise it's not always that easy for children with ADHD.

Get everything ready the night before. Make a checklist for your children to work with. Explain to school about the homework problems. Is there a homework club at school they could go to?? Some school do one in the lunch break x

I too am a single parent with a 13yodd. She is being referred for ADHD. I have to be honest I leave her to it. She cannot cope with any pressure in the morning so reminding her just makes everything worse.

I just leave her and most probably 70-80% of the week she is there in time.

Sounds tough. My suggestion is never shout, ever. It will calm things down immediately. It’s not easy to do, but it is effective.

Firstly, are you on medication for your HBP? Is it under control now? Have you a home monitor? Medicines for HBP usually have a pretty immediate effect but you might need to tweak the type / dose before you have it under control.

Lists and prep the night before.

@Tittibits but this the thing. If I don't shout they won't move themselves.
I start off calm telling them to get dressed/ breakfast teeth etc. No movement or extremely slow movement.
I tell them to hurry it along. It's only when I blow my gasket that they actually start paying attention to me.

@converseandjeans
I did leave him to make his own way and he would go walkies and would end up late, I'd get emails from school etc and I've replied that he left in MORE than enough time.
Trying to get there where's and why's he was late out of him is like getting blood out of a stone so that's why I decided to drop him but yeah that's not working because of my health now

Hi @Chewbecca. I have been prescribed medication thankfully. Just had the appointment on Friday so not under control yet.
I keep trying to ignore their arguing but school mornings and homework are where I get the most riled up

@stressedandamess

I think if it’s walkable then you need to start leaving him to it. Maybe message school to explain to his head of year/tutor. Then if he gets a detention he will just have to get on with it.

I agree with no shouting too. Just give lots of timings & make it clear how long you have left.

We used to have everything ready the night before. So all they had to do was get dressed, eat & brush teeth. I must admit ours often had toast or something like that in bed as they got older.

Could you do reward chart for youngest??

My kids are younger (4 & 7) , but I also have this problem.

I think you need to have a sit down with your 14 yo and explain how unwell you are and how he can best help you. Tell him what is expected of him and agree with what he can take ownership of and what he still needs help with, what he is going to work towards doing himself etc. And a timeframe of when he should be doing it.

eg. Get his lunch box, water bottle, jumper ready in the morning, do his homework when he gets in, prepare his school bag before bed etc.

Write everything that he should be doing every day down on a tick list (i have these tick lists for my kids https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0CRBDHFXS/)

Timers are also good for keeping focus. Rather than constantly saying "we've got 20 minutes, we've got 10 minutes, 5 minutes, we should've left by now!" You can get big timers that count down which are useful as it becomes more visual if he can see the time ticking away from him. You could also try them for homework "you don't have to spend hours on this, just get as much of this done as you can in the next 20 minutes". He might be surprised at how much he can do when he isn't spending an hour whinging about it!

Don't know what the distractions are before leaving the house, but try to reduce/eliminate as much as you can. Eg. No tv or phones before everyone is ready, school bags packed the night before, clean uniform out on a chair before bed so there is no scrabling around looking for a clean shirt etc, look at which breakfasts take the quickest amount of time (eg.my kids take longer eating cereal than toast as they end up keeping topping up the bowl as they eat so it almost never empties!).

I would also look at your own routines. One thing I find about being a parent is that I need some time to myself of an evening, and sometimes I stay up far later than I should, just because I need some time to myself which isn't spent working, parenting, or doing housework. But the later I stay up, the more grumpy, stressed and short tempered I am the next day, whixh then affects the kids moods too. So, if it is possible, try to get a few more early nights and a bit more sleep if you can. Appreciate this is easier said than done though!

It won't let me edit the above post, but just to say that you can also get mini versions of the above-linked checklist. Maybe you could put one on each child's bag and they can check each morning that they have what they need? (Jumper, homework, phone, keys, coat, waterbottle, lunchbox etc) so they can see what they still need to do without you having to tell them 40 times

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Checklist-Reusable-Schedule-Planning-Keychain/dp/B0CYHB8H69/

Thank you for those tips @InvisibilityCloakActivated

Tbh it's not even the organisation that's a problem. Bags and things are mostly sorted. I do all uniform for the week on the weekend so clothes are hanging up and ready to go.
It's mainly the dawdling and arguing. My DS pees about in the bathroom for ages (sometimes even just staring at the shower wall while the water runs). This of course makes me really mad because my water bill and the time he is wasting.

Have you explained to them both that you’re not well and whilst you’re having medicine to make you better it’s really important that you don’t shout and get stressed as that will make you more unwell? At 13 (even with adhd) and 4 they should be able to somewhat grasp this. I say this as someone with disabilities myself (and a 13 year old with complex autism at specialist school). I think it’s important for them to understand it all.

@Pigeonqueen Hiya. Yes I sat them down on the weekend and explained this. So far so good but it's half term so I'm hoping when the real test of school mornings starts again next week they will remember what was said

The 4 year old you should be able to feed and dress them if they don't do it themselves. Wait till the summer holidays to train them to do it all independently within a reasonable time.
The 13 year old needs different treatment.
Pack bags the night before, have everything needed to leave the house with by the front door, and have a supply of breakfast cereal bars/bananas available ready to shove into his hand if he hasn't eaten breakfast in time.
Make him have an evening shower rather than a morning one. Find out if there's a homework club at school that he can go to rather than you chasing him to do it at home. Otherwise homework has to be done on return from school before any screens go on. ADHD & homework is really hard for parents, and if you can outsource it at all to save your nerves, then do - eg pay a local older teenager to sit with him to do it once or twice a week.
It is difficult coping with all this yourself, I have a son with ADHD and we often spent Sunday afternoons and evenings in tears over homework. Back then, schools weren't very accommodating for students with those additional challenges, and I hope you might get more support now.

Just sort out the blood pressure medication. It's a fairly easy thing to manage and enormously common, not a big deal at all.

Parenting is stressful. Children don't listen sometimes. That's just life for everyone.

I think you're being a bit ridiculous about 'sliding to the floor' and some of your language is dramatic/over anxious.

Yes, I have had very high blood pressure. On meds. Life continues as normal. It's not my family's job to tiptoe round my minor health complaints. It would be damaging to your children if you suggest they're going to give you a heart attack and emotionally manipulative.

I think it’s very hard dealing with a teenager with ADHD. In my son’s case it send me crazy. If I could have my time again I would hand the responsibility over to him. The shouting definitely doesn’t work and if he has any Oppositional tendencies this will make him worse. This is what happened with my son. So yes speak to the school; ensure they know the situation and talk to him. I hope it improves big time; you really need the schools help here.