I’ve posted this already as a reply to a thread without meaning to I’m sorry I have no idea what I’m doing
I just need some advice and I don’t know who to speak to
My daughter’s dad and I split up 7 months after her 1st birthday, she’s 4 next month. We had a bad relationship, totally brought out the worst in each other. I had a very difficult pregnancy during lockdown & after our daughter was born there were two occasions where he was physical with me. Our relationship was always volatile but those were the only times I can remember where he hit me. It was a very messy breakup, I deffo didn’t go about it in the best way but I was miserable with him. Two weeks after we split up I found out he’d started seeing a friend of 10+ years of mine. He moved in to her house 2 months after we split up and immediately wanted our daughter overnight - which I agreed to under the condition his girlfriend didn’t sleep in the same bed as him and our daughter who had only co-slept to which he kicked off at.
I had to call the police to remove him once because he was walking around the outside of my house banging on the windows/doors & shouting - I didn’t press charges which I now regret
He only had her 1-2 nights a week for the first year and a half despite only working part time/not working, finally agreeing to 3 nights when I pushed for it. He refused to send me any child support at first before agreeing to £100 a month but deducting £40 for unpaid council tax from our first flat. That stopped last year once the council tax had been paid and he told me he wasn’t sending me any child support. I opened a case with CSA and he stopped working completely.
In September last year I was having a very hard time mentally and was crying all the time and struggling with dissociation and it was getting to the point my daughter (now 3) was starting to ask why I was so upset. Having had a challenging childhood myself I felt it was in her best interest to live with her dad until I could I sort myself out. He agreed to have her and she lived with him until December at which point she came home and I have her 5 days a week again. During the time she lived with him I still saw her 3/4 days a week after nursery for a few hours - he would consistently tell me I was a distant parent and at one point told me our daughter was used to me letting her down.
Ive been signed off work for years due to mental health issues but pay all my own bills, rent my house myself & provide everything I can for my daughter. I learned a few weeks ago her dad has no income at all and his girlfriend pays for everything (including giving him an ‘allowance’ despite being 32 years old) for him and our child.
I have struggled with addiction in the past - never around my daughter - but sought help and have been sober for years now. He still smokes weed regularly whilst having our daughter in his care.
Shes been having a few health issues resulting in 3 trips to A&E since December, both times I took her I called her dad to let her know what was happening and he shouted at me for waking him up, even after knowing she was in A&E. I asked him if he could have her for the night after she was discharged as at that point Id had about an hours sleep - only for him to tell me he was ‘disappointed in me because it was my day & that he would have her overnight but only if I dropped her off and picked up first thing in the morning (hearing this my parents took us to their house and let me sleep whilst they watched her)
He only came on the second occasion after I asked him to because she had wet herself and I only only one spare pair of pants. The one time he took her to A&E I went straight there as soon as I read the message.
He takes her to a reenactment group he goes to every other Monday but I learned yesterday that it’s on from 7:30 to 9:30 at night…he has never told me how late it’s on. I have said this is too late for her to be out - she’s in bed by half 7 most nights, 8 at a push. He’s told me I can’t dictate what he does with her when he has her and now refuses to speak to me about it. I spoke to his mum who is a primary school teacher about it last night and she agrees it’s way too late for her to be out when she has nursery/school the next morning. She already has trouble with concentration and has extra help in nursery. I have offered to have her the Mondays he goes so he can still go and said he can have her the Saturday nights before so he still gets 3 nights a week with her - he’s refused.
He also lies consistently about what I’ve said/done and has done for years. I paid £600 in damages to our first flat from him punching holes in the doors & wall which he insisted he was paying towards also. I got in contact with the company and they confirmed it was only ever my account that paid, when I confronted him with this he said the company were lying so I told him to go through him bank and screenshot the payments. Hours later he told me he couldn’t find any - I don’t think he ever apologised, eventually he payed me half the money but it was an argument to get it back.
He brings up the past a lot and claims I was out drinking/doing drugs all the time after our daughter was born…I was not. I went out maybe one/twice a week which my friends confirm & those times I did go out he would call me and shout at me for being out. I have multiple times now apologised for what happened during it breakup and admitted I was not easy to be with - he has never apologised or taken accountability for his behaviour and to this day denies hitting me (I told my psychiatrist the first time but not the second. I have pictures of the bruises but theyre my arms which he has said in the past doesn’t count?) he also says I was aggressive and threw things at him all the time - I threw a remote in his direction once when I thought he was going to hit me, which was the first time he did hit me.
He makes me so nervous as he’s been violent in the past and still loses his temper and shouts at me/calls me names and stuff. It doesn’t affect me as much as it used to but I don’t feel like I should have to deal with it 3 years on.
I feel like I’m trying so hard to make things amicable, I just want the best for our daughter.
I don’t have money for a lawyer and I don’t know any other parents to go to for advice.
He has threatened to go for full custody multiple times & I’ve always been scared my brief history with drugs and mental health issues would fuck me over but at this point I don’t know what to do. I can’t deal with the constant arguing/aggression/lying. I just want what’s best for my daughter. I’ve tried to call citizens advice but I can never get through
I know this is long, thank you to anyone who reads the whole thing - any advice would be appreciated x