Is relocating mad?

[IcyIgloo]

I’m in a relatively well-paid corporate job at the moment, but my ex won’t help with nursery costs or school drop offs/pick ups. We have two DC, 18 months and 5. 3x weekly visits with no overnights. Live in London - alone, my salary isn’t stretching far at all. It feels pointless grafting for it.

I’m struggling with my job and I’m struggling to afford anything and I’m struggling to be a good parent, because I have to be on top of it all. I’m thinking of relocating somewhere cheaper where I can maybe get a lower paid remote job (I’d take anything really, remote or not) and maybe cut hours so I can be with the baby more and spend less on nursery, because I’m pretty much working just to cover it and all the bare necessities as it stands. Has anyone relocated as a single parent? Is it possible? Is it crazy? Just want a fresh start and a better lifestyle. I do have some savings behind me but not a huge amount.

ETA: I have a support network where I am at the moment, and am worried it would be more difficult than anticipated if I give that up.

He can block any relocations, so I'd look into that before you start planning it.

Really, even if it’s not moving overseas?

Yes. Really. Are you in the UK? If so they could get a prohibitive steps order to prevent you moving, or a child arrangement order to actually define where the children live.

If they see their father 3x weekly, how far could you reasonably relocate to anyways? They have an right to a relationship with both of their parents.

Yes, am in the UK. I know - I don’t want to stop that relationship by any means but I just feel like something’s got to give and I don’t know what else to do… I can’t afford to stay in London, it’s getting more and more difficult and I can’t cut my hours at work to reduce the need for nursery. Even if I could, I’d then struggle to pay for everything. I did mention to him about a year ago the possibility of moving if I couldn’t afford to stay afloat and he wasn’t particularly bothered. He said he’d travel to see them if we moved and have them in the holidays. Although I’m not sure he actually believed I would do it.

Are you claiming everything you can? Child benefit, universal credit and (most improtantly) CMS?

If you don’t think he’d mind then discuss it with him. You can’t change your 5 year olds school without his agreement if he has PR and contact 3 times a week means they have a meaningful relationship even without overnights. Would you agree to overnights or doesn’t he want them?

I’m just over the threshold for paying back child benefit, so I don’t get the full amount. I get child maintenance, it just about covers nappies, wipes, and some food for them. He’s self employed and I don’t think I’m getting everything I should be, he won’t tell me what he earns (refused to when we were together, too).

Yes, probably worth discussing it at the very least. I forgot about permission to change school, I did know that but not completely with it these days! Baby still doesn’t sleep. We agreed that we would wait until they were older for overnights, mainly because he left when youngest was very little and we thought it would be too much for them to suddenly not be with mum when they wake in the night. But in time, that is the plan.

Your eldest is now 5 - surely that's old enough for them to go spend overnights with dad?

Yes, sorry by “them” I mean the youngest. Trying not to be too outing…

You can change the school quite easily I've done it without my exes input (he vanished I've never moved)

Look at easily commutable places first ones that have a cheaper cost of living and get his permission in writing just a text will do and be aware you need to be able to maintain contact

😂 mine is 16 his dad never had him overnight

So is the 5yo having overnights?

How come?

No. He has never asked to. And DC has never asked to. He just keeps saying, “when they’re older they can come and stay with me.” Everyone is happy with the arrangement at the moment, including me.

There’s a bit more to it but I relocated to a small town where I could do everything relatively close - my workplace was close to schools and to the hospital.

I think it was the best option at the time but relocating with no support network can be very lonely.

He doesn't want him is the bald truth of it he first claimed he had "no room" but he lived with his mom and she had a spare room and he had stayed over before I that room then he moved in with a girlfriend who had TWO spare rooms and was willing to have them over but he told her I "wouldn't allow it" (total lie btw) he moved into his nans she had a spare room she called me asking why I wouldn't let at least the eldest stay over had she upset me or? I said no he can have him over I don't mind it would do him good he still lied to her face saying I wouldn't allow it he left there moved in with someone else with a three bed only one child so a spare room! Then they downsized and he stopped seeing the kids after he got with this one

So yeah while I understand my youngest (with severe autism and learning difficulties) might be an issue overnight (he really is) his eldest son? Would have loved to have gone when he was younger (not now because he has cut him off and it hurt him badly)

I relocated out of london as a single parent with a 3yo . Like your ex, my ex didnt do overnights, but with the new distance he had to. We had to change the schedule as it's too far to do adhoc evenings (1 hour drive). The only thing i didnt anticipate is that now all the school / parenting admin falls to me. It probably wpuld have anyway, but it really gives my ex a 'get out clause' for being anything except 'fun dad'! I personally moved for grandparent support which has been brilliant. I still commute to london for work which is a pain but it's only 2 days a week. I defintely have more disposable income / space than previously