Feeling a Bit Used – Is This Just Normal Teen Behavior?

[sweetlikeme]

My 17-year-old daughter moved in with her dad (who lives 15 mins away) before Christmas after we butted heads—mostly over normal teenage stuff, but the final straw was me saying no to her throwing a big birthday party at our house. Living in London, I just wasn’t comfortable with how out of hand it could get. She was furious and completely cut me off for two months—no messages, no calls, nothing. It was heartbreaking. We only started speaking again just before Christmas because a family friend stepped in. I saw her for 20 minutes over the entire three-day holiday.
Since then, we’ve ‘made up’ in the sense that we message and see each other occasionally, but it’s nothing like before. I know she’s busy with college and friends, and I genuinely want her to enjoy her life, but she hardly ever makes time for me. When she lived with me, she used to see her dad at weekends, but now the dynamic has flipped, and I feel like an afterthought.
I’ve asked to see her a few times recently because she has 2 days off from college in the week —yesterday, she couldnt see me because was seeing an old school friend who lives 2 streets away from me; today, she was visiting her grandmother. Last weekend, she was meant to go to the cinema with me and my partner (her idea!), but she cancelled. The weekend before, she was supposed to stay with me after a party but changed plans last minute to stay with a friend instead. I try to be understanding, but the only times I actually do see her lately are when she wants to stay at my house after a party—because she’s embarrassed by the size of her dad’s flat.
Now, she’s staying over this Saturday again after a party and has already requested that I buy in everything for a full English breakfast, which is exactly what she asked for last time. I’m torn—I want her to feel like my home is still her home, and I want to take what I can get in terms of time with her. But at the same time, I can’t shake the feeling that I’m being used.
Is this just typical teenage self-centeredness, or is there something more I should be doing? I don’t want to push too hard and risk another fallout, but I also don’t want to keep feeling like I’m only needed for convenience and have no boundaries. Would love to hear from others. How would you handle it?
Thanks for reading.

That is really tough isn't it. I really hate it when you feel used by your own child. It's awful. I wouldn't let her dictate what food you bought in. I would buy what I could afford and that's it. At 17 if she wants anything special she can get a part-time job and pay for it. I wouldn't normally say that but she has a really bad attitude and I wouldn't want her to get away with too much. All this does pass but bloody hell it's a pain in the neck while it's going on!

If you don't want to do it, just say NO.

I would say I’m busy or something. Sorry.

Normally I’m all about supporting teens (especially after a night out) but using you as a pit stop and a breakfast service while ignoring you on every other occasion isn’t okay. It’s not a hotel and she isn’t a paying customer.

Her reaction was disproportionate and sometimes after a falling out it can be difficult to get back to how things were, but maybe she needs to learn and grow up. I think all teens are very self centred, it may not even be on purpose, but if her attitude isn’t checked she’ll never see it.

Read some books about teens, this behaviour - it will help to understand what's going on developmentally.

If a cooked breakfast is not too much effort that sounds like a nice thing to offer. I don't see any harm in doing that, she's not asking for much.

I would do the breakfast but I would also explain to her that you miss her and the lack of time seeing each other saddens you. She’ll probably ignore the whole conversation but I will guarantee you that she will take it all in.

Tell her exactly how you feel.

Listen to her response and then you will know where you stand and how to proceed moving forward.

I think sadly this is probably fairly normal behaviour. I think "you treat this place like a bloody hotel!" is a phrase that has rattled through the centuries for eons from parent to child once they hit their teenage stride.

I would let her stay and either

a) get the breakfast things in, but I would also leave her to cook it herself as she is so independent. If she doesn't want to cook it, say "I don't either - shall we go out for breakfast somewhere?" and then hopefully you can get her out of the house and away from distractions and get some 1-2-1 time with her.

b) "forget" to get the breakfast things in and suggest you go out for breakfast together somewhere and again, hopefully, get some 1-2-1 time.

I think it's teenage behaviour. With my two I let a lot slide because I wanted to still have a relationship with them even if they were constantly busy with their own lives. It does settle down.

The only comfort I've got is that they are confident to do stuff, have great friends and lives. If things aren't so great they come to me and I want them to always know I'll help them.

Both actively sought out my company when they had time particularly if it meant lunch or dinner out or a holiday.

Sounds like she’s bringing friends back to yours after the party and expecting a fully catered full English the following morning.

Im torn … it is a piss take but you miss her. I’ve had two teen girls and it’s hard … they do improve. 17 was peak arsehole for one of them.