please can you give me some advice about this relationship

[juliet111]

Hi, I'd really like some advice. I'm a single parent with a 4 year old son and have spent most of the last three years on my own.

About 1 year ago I started going out with someone from work, Phil, he is average looking and 12 years older than me (I'm 38) and separated from his wife who he has three children with about a year ago. Phil had alot of complications in his life such as he has just moved out from his ex wife's house and she is now with a woman. He is very stressed and upset for the kids and they have a very complicated child care arrangement but there was a good connection between us and a strong attraction.

Eventually I started sleeping with Phil which was a big deal for me as I have only slept with one other man in the past three and a half years. However, things weren't good in bed between me and Phil. After being so long without sex I really wanted it to be right, but we slept together quite a few times and every time he came really quickly and didn't try to satisfy me. He was really upset that he came so quickly but didn't seem to realise that he could still have satisfied me. In addition, he snored so badly that each time either he or I ended up moving to my spare room in the night!

The last time we slept together, I'd had a few drinks and I was insensitive to him (I realise that his wife being with another woman must be making him feel terrible) and said that he wasn't trying to satisfy me. This made him feel that it was like history repeating itself as he couldn't satisfy his wife (obviously as she was gay).

I tried to say that it wasn't his performance but that he could have continued to touch me etc. He said that wasn't possible after he'd come. Anyway, he then decided to end it between us.

I wish I'd been more sensitive but really feel that either he was very inexperienced in bed which seems unlikely at his age or just selfish. I don't know which but one way or another I really miss him.

A year has gone past, (after a month or so, I said that I missed him but he said he was so upset by that night that he couldn't see me again) but he looks at me all the time at work and I know there is still an attraction.

Could anybody advise me because I really miss him.

God you were cruel. I think you have to grovel ... A Lot, if you want him back.

This will sound really hard but you are better off without him. He has got a lot of problems and you are not going to solve them, however understanding.
I say this because I have been in a similar situation and after we split up I would have liked to have got back together, but luckily we didn't because some years on I can realise that it was a lucky escape. You sound lonely but I don't think that he is the answer.

I too think that you are better off without him , too much baggage. yes you were a but cruel but wtf was he going on about that it wasn't possible to satisfy you after he had come?

I didn't mean to be cruel but I know that's how it came out. I just felt frustrated and he seemed really selfish. It seemed like to him it was just about the length of time it could go on for and if he finished early then that was the end of it.

I was to quick to judge and I apologise for my comments. Upon reflection, I to think you are lonely, I also think that at his age if he wants you back he might of asked you by now. Maybe you should try to socialise more.

You weren't cruel-he didn't just seem selfish-he was selfish. If he was like that early in the relationship then he wasn't going to change. KerryMum is pretty forceful in her views but she is right. Try and get out and meet more people, it really isn't worth taking on someone with a lot of baggage.

juliet I think at that time it wasn't right for him to be dating so soon after splitting with his wife, you could have been a bit kinder in what you said but its been said now, you have probably hurt him more than you realise but you could arrange a meet up between the both of you and apologise and tell him you miss him or write him a letter explaining.

To be honest if a guy said to me that I didn't satisfy his needs in the bedroom and didn't turn him on cause I have small t1ts I would be mortified

Tinkerbel, you might not know if you hadn't satisfied him, that is very true, but you would probably know whether or not you had 'tried' your best to satisfy him, or if you had just leapt on and leapt off, wouldn't you? He was a 'wham, bang, thank you mam' type of lover. Most people know, after the age of 20, that you are meant to try and please your partner too. Juliet NEVER insulted the size of his anything!! She simply told he wasn't trying to satisfy her and, if he wasn't, I think that is a justifiable statement (actually, I'd never have said it, I would have just ended the relationship, because I would have assumed he didn't like me enough to try. Self-esteem ishoos). But clearly you liked him Juliet and wanted things to improve in that department.
By the way, Juliet, I'm 44 and my boyfriend is older and we both know you're meant to give and take so the 'it's his age' argument on the other thread is not particularly valid, IMHO. He's not a Victorian, the sexual revolution took place after he was born, he SHOULD know that women are capable of arousal too. Infact, the Victorians knew, they thought female orgasm was essential for conception. He is either inexperienced or not very giving, but he is not stupid.

I think its all down to the way you say things, maybe it would have been better to have next time asked him to try a different move or to add a little extra foreplay to the equasion, I don't think he is selfish, I think he is a man who feels like no matter what he does he can't do anfything right, the guy isn't a mind reader either so unless someone tells him what they want he isn't going to do it, I don't think the guy is ready to date anyway.

Juliet you are quite right to ask for what you want during sex and dont let anyone ever say you shouldn't.

I dont think you were in the least bit cruel and tried to give him the benefit of the doubt at first which I never would have.

He sounds a bit of a mess to be honest but even if that is true some women are and it doesnt mean you should stay clear for that reason. You should stay clear because when you asked for what you wanted in a reasonable way he dumped you. That was neither fair or kind and for that I alone I wouldnt touch him with a barge pole!