Co-parenting schedule

[TwinklyHazelSeal]

My little one is only 8 months, her Dad is very controlling and has been in and out of her life since the beginning.

Recently he has apologised for his behaviour towards me and said he wanted to be more in her life. I have tried to be so super flexible and be available when he needs. I have asked several times for set days/times or even just to message on a Sunday so I know what the schedule is rather than the morning of messaging or the day before.

Although she is young I do book to do things with her or visit family or maybe I have an appointment myself. My little girl is not comfortable to be alone with him she screams when left with him so I have to be there. Is it unreasonable to ask for a schedule? He believes so and says I'm giving ultimatums or that I am the inconsistent one. I just don't want to feel on edge any longer, he was really mentally abusive to me even to the point of making me cry just before going to be induced due to his behaviour.

I really feel I have tried, but the last communication he says that he is going to step back and that I need to step out of my victim mentality. Am I being unreasonable?

She’s always going to want you if you are around it’s the joy and burden of being a mum. So start small every Saturday morning from 8.30-10 he can collect her take her to the park etc

Eventually extending it to overnight or overnights as she gets older. It’s important for her to get to know her dad - if he’s going to be in her life plus you get some time to chill and reset as well - co parenting sucks but having a schedule is so much better

He currently needs to see her little and often on his own. That way your DD can learn her dad is safe to be with and you will come back.

Apart from Saturday/Sunday mornings is there another time in the week, preferably the middle, where he can have her for 2-3 hours on his own?

He may have to change his work schedule. And he won't be the first man ever to do that.

Wanting to know on Sunday the schedule for the week ahead isn't unreasonable at all. Given what he's like though regular weekly times will probably be easier for you to cope with and very reasonable to have regular times unless he's a shift worker. I would start working towards being out of the room, then him taking her out on his own. You could for example stay in the room and in LO view but across the room from her, then once she's used to that sit just outside the room. Try to talk in a reassuring voice while he's there so she knows its OK and she's safe. Little and often is best with babies. Working towards him being able to take her out without her getting distressed is a good goal for your mental health cause you'd have to deal with him just briefly then.

Just to be clear, he does not want to have her alone until she is uncomfortable. When I mean screaming I mean until she throws up. For some reason this happened when he took another two week break, he came back and I handed her to him and she lost it. So much so the first time I called 111 cause I thought something was deeply wrong.

When he did start seeing her that's what I would do be in the room and slowly move away allowing them to interact alone and we got to a point where I was briefly able to leave the room.

He has got angry and said he's going to back away again as she had sensory class on a Friday which I've paid for. I've invited him numerous times to join at her classes as she is so comfortable there.

He cannot do Saturday mornings and Sunday he often travelling to do his hobby.
@Rachmorr57 what do you think I've been trying to do? Hence why I'm asking if I'm unreasonable to ask as he doesn't want to do that and said I'm giving ultimatums.

@EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness he runs his own business and runs classes in the evening which is absolutely fine. But he refuses to give me days that work for him, I'm open if something comes up but there will be weeks he won't see her at all...and he's only recently decided to come back again after two months of not wanting to be involved.

It's a very complexed situations and yes I decided to move ahead with the pregnancy, I was told after cervical cancer I would never get pregnant and after 7 years of being together I did. I couldn't have an abortion and he wanted me too, then removing me from the company which we worked together on and so on. It's not black and white, I have tried so hard this is not you aren't giving me times go away it's I need times so I can start getting things in place for her when you aren't around.

I am really trying.

That's suppose to say until she is comfortable. Sorry.

And when I mean things in place, he hasn't financially assist in anyway and that's his choice but as a solo mum paying for things to not be able to attend them because I amended the schedule in the morning for him is becoming super costly. I do value her having a relationship with her Dad I really do but it's also nice for us to have things we can attend that is consistent for her growth and confidence.

I've picked out

He cannot do Saturday mornings and Sunday he often travelling to do his hobby.

And

he runs his own business and runs classes in the evening which is absolutely fine. But he refuses to give me days that work for him,

From your posts as it shows he's not interested in having a proper relationship with his child as he would give up his hobby. She will not be a baby for ever and they need to get used to each other.

He would be aware, unless he knows absolutely no separated/single dads, that most dads in his situation have their kids for a full weekend every couple of weeks.

At the moment he only needs to be available Saturday afternoon plus he can also arrange time one morning or afternoon in the week to have her. However you never ever say any of this to him.

Instead tell him via email that to ensure your DD is comfortable being with him he needs to give two fixed times in the week a few days apart when he will be regularly available for up to 3 hours to see her on his own. Say it's in your DD's best interests for him and her to establish a regular pattern of contact so she is used to being with him and they can have longer contact in the future.

If he responds to you by text or phone negatively saying he can't have her like this and then he doesn't come up with an alternative that follows a regular pattern of contact then simply repeat the last bit. Also write an email to him stating on x date you contacted me by y at z time stating abc, and I already mentioned previously to you it is DD's best interests that you and her have a regular pattern of contact so she is used to being with you.

Basically after any phone calls or text messages where you discuss or agree contact you need to follow it up with an email. That way if you later end up in Family Court you have a written record of who said what. (He may write back disagreeing with your version of events but don't engage in dialogue as if you send him an email every single time he will soon get fed up of it.)

If he responds positively giving regular days and times which means you can't take her to a baby class then you need to agree to it. Respond in an email that you agree to it and actually do it.

Baby classes at your DDs age are actually more to help the parent than the child. This means at the moment it is more important for them to establish a relationship with one another.

He should also be contributing to his child's upbringing but that's a different battle and one you won't do well out off due to him running his own business.

@Reugny this is such a great and informative response.

I was reflecting and feel you are so right with the email and stops any negative messages coming up or insults towards me.

Agreed with the baby classes. She does enjoy them and I have given some options of classes he could take her to but he feels he won't make an connection with her this way.

I really would like them to have a relationship and have put everything aside from the past, well I'm working through it with a therapist. Their relationship is more important. I just hope he can give some consistency for her.

Unfortunately OP he may send you rude or insulting emails. A minority of separated parents do this to the other parent. If he stupidly does then it can be used against him as it is a written record.

Also leave it to him to work out what he should do with her in his time. He needs to learn to be a parent to her on his own and sort out his own parental support network. If you are always giving suggestions he won't do this plus may try to make you pay for things.

Finally if he refuses to engage by giving you set times OR gives you set times but doesn't turn up/stops turning up, then don't chase him.: He's shown he's currently not interested in his child. He may turn up when she's older, and you will have to help her deal with that when it happens.

Good luck.