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Original poster

28 year old meeting his estranged father

20 replies

kirinm · 21/01/2025 08:47

My ex disappeared off the scene about 6 weeks after my now 28 year old son was born. I allowed access but he was totally shit and saw his sporadically until he was 3 and then started sleeping with my best friend and that's probably the last time he attempted any contact. I was only 16 when we met and a young mum.

My DS has decided to contact him as he knows he (DS) has two siblings and although I appreciate why he wants to and I'm obviously not objecting to it, I can't stand the fact he's doing it. My ex and his family have made no effort to contact me or DS in 25 years plus. They're totally toxic and pathological liars. I was left to raise a child when I was still a child myself - although thankfully I had support from my mum and went back to college / university.

I don't trust them and I think DS expects more than they'll offer him in terms of how much interest they have in him.

Arrrrgh I have to let him do it but I so wish he wasn't. I feel oddly rejected. Anyone had an adult child seek out his estranged family and it not ended in a total shit show?

OP posts:
Dumbles · 21/01/2025 09:20

How old was the Dad when you had DS? If you were 16 I imagine he was very young too?

I think you need to reframe it to not be about you. Of course your DS wants to meet his dad and siblings. It might not turn out how he wants but that’s his journey to make.

How do you know they are toxic if you’ve not had any contact?

Original poster
kirinm · 21/01/2025 10:04

Dumbles · 21/01/2025 09:20

How old was the Dad when you had DS? If you were 16 I imagine he was very young too?

I think you need to reframe it to not be about you. Of course your DS wants to meet his dad and siblings. It might not turn out how he wants but that’s his journey to make.

How do you know they are toxic if you’ve not had any contact?

I know that his father was in and out of prison, he stole money from my family, stole my brothers bike, stole our car, spoke to my son and told him that he left because I'd had an affair, his parents threatened to report me to social services. Slept with my best friend and moved in with her and her child whilst ignoring his own son. Perhaps he's changed.

I had my son when I was 18 and his dad would have been 3-4 years older. But he hasn't had any contact for the last 25 years so he can't use his age as an excuse. I was 18 and didn't run away from my child.

OP posts:
Frostine · 21/01/2025 10:17

It's only natural that he wishes to find his biological father and it's a good thing he waited until maturity to do it. Imagine if this was happening when he was 12 / 14 !

He has to decide if his father is worth having in his life or is still a waste of time.
You will be much better off just leaving him to come to his own conclusion.

Better for him to find out what he is like rather than spend his life feeling he's missed out.

Theunamedcat · 21/01/2025 10:23

So he is already telling lies claiming you had an affair?

How did you frame dads absence over the years?

NormasArse · 21/01/2025 10:27

Sadly, sometimes we have to see for ourselves.

My one regret is contacting my birth father. It must’ve hurt my dad (can’t call him stepdad because he’s the real deal). I was infatuated with the thought of a family that was just mine (my brother and sister were my mum and dad’s).

My birth father made me feel even more unwanted by forgetting to tell me when he was in the country etc…

But Dad- he never said a bad word. He just carried on being lovely.

SanDiegoZoo · 22/01/2025 15:14

I would just let it be - if he’s still shit and so is his family, your DS will realise it and cut contact again.

I totally get why it hurts - I was a young mum too and my in laws were absolutely horrible to me but my DD of course has a different experience - but it is what it is. It’s their family. If anything, it’s on us for not choosing better partners at the time.

anyolddinosaur · 22/01/2025 15:34

He'll maybe bond with his half siblings over what a shit their father is.

Purplelady1 · 22/01/2025 16:53

I can imagine how annoying it must be. But I agree with PP, in the sense that he can decide for himself now that he is an adult.

If he realises that his dad is actually an irresponsible person, it might be the first and last meeting.

Princessfluffy · 22/01/2025 18:27

Unfortunately I think you just need to let this play out.

I can see why it would be painful though OP and you have my huge sympathy. It's good that DD is 28 as this is a relatively sensible age.

Original poster
kirinm · 22/01/2025 19:29

Yes unfortunately I agree that I've got to let it play out. He spoke to his father yesterday and is going to meet him next week (and his half brother). He's clearly excited.

All I can think about is all the awful things the man did and the fact that even now, contact is happening because somebody else has instigated it.

It hasn't really bothered me before now because him being involved was never a possibility. At least my son is old enough that I don't have to be actively involved, just here when DS inevitably needs someone to talk to about it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
kirinm · 22/01/2025 19:30

Frostine · 21/01/2025 10:17

It's only natural that he wishes to find his biological father and it's a good thing he waited until maturity to do it. Imagine if this was happening when he was 12 / 14 !

He has to decide if his father is worth having in his life or is still a waste of time.
You will be much better off just leaving him to come to his own conclusion.

Better for him to find out what he is like rather than spend his life feeling he's missed out.

He did actually try and contact his dad via FB when he was about 14. He asked his dad why he'd left which is when he was told that I'd had an affair. DS said he didn't believe it and blocked him.

OP posts:
Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 22/01/2025 19:36

Dd reconnected at 20 after her df walked away when she was about 2... Thanks fb.... She only met him as he had had another dd. A half dd felt she should meet... She told h straight not to slate me. He tried to say he had been looking for her.. Despite my dm living in the same house she had back then... He made no effort apart from paying for her tea every couple of months when he had time... Ten quid in a birthday card while he moaned about the cost of his younger dd's ski trip. £1.8k..
Dd ended contact after about 2 years. She told him her spare time was precious and she was wasting it on him!! He doesn't even send cards now... Deep breath op. Your ds knows where his bread is buttered ime.

Original poster
kirinm · 23/01/2025 08:36

I honestly didn't know how I detest my ex until now. I can't help listing all the things in my head that have been difficult or traumatic for DS over the last 28 years and that idiot doesn't know about any of it.

Perhaps he can back pay the child support he didn't pay and help DS get on the housing ladder!

OP posts:
Original poster
kirinm · 23/01/2025 08:37

kirinm · 23/01/2025 08:36

I honestly didn't know how I detest my ex until now. I can't help listing all the things in my head that have been difficult or traumatic for DS over the last 28 years and that idiot doesn't know about any of it.

Perhaps he can back pay the child support he didn't pay and help DS get on the housing ladder!

*how much I detest him.

OP posts:
Rachmorr57 · 23/01/2025 08:40

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Theunamedcat · 23/01/2025 08:48

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Stop victim blaming it's sickening

Original poster
kirinm · 23/01/2025 08:52

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

What's the matter with you? He chose to be a cunt - it's not his child's fault and it's not my fault either.

OP posts:
outthereandbeyond · 26/01/2025 13:21

I am not yet in your position - but one day I may be. My ex left when I was pregnant. That was 10 years ago. My DD asks and we talk about him matter of factly, but I worry one day she’ll ask to meet him. I won’t say no - then worry if he will manipulate her the way he didn’t with me.

Collette78 · 26/01/2025 13:29

Hard as it may be I think you need to take your feelings out of the equation and let you DS find his own way with this. He might want to develop a relationship with his father in whatever context that takes and you need to allow him to.

Just be assured that you’ve raised him, he loves you and he knows you will be there for him.

outthereandbeyond · 23/02/2025 09:36

kirinm · 21/01/2025 08:47

My ex disappeared off the scene about 6 weeks after my now 28 year old son was born. I allowed access but he was totally shit and saw his sporadically until he was 3 and then started sleeping with my best friend and that's probably the last time he attempted any contact. I was only 16 when we met and a young mum.

My DS has decided to contact him as he knows he (DS) has two siblings and although I appreciate why he wants to and I'm obviously not objecting to it, I can't stand the fact he's doing it. My ex and his family have made no effort to contact me or DS in 25 years plus. They're totally toxic and pathological liars. I was left to raise a child when I was still a child myself - although thankfully I had support from my mum and went back to college / university.

I don't trust them and I think DS expects more than they'll offer him in terms of how much interest they have in him.

Arrrrgh I have to let him do it but I so wish he wasn't. I feel oddly rejected. Anyone had an adult child seek out his estranged family and it not ended in a total shit show?

How you getting on? Has your son met his father yet? How did it go?

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