empty nest on fire

[Brattae]

Hello, I am a single mama of four! Two of them are older and two younger. My oldest is 21 and has recently been deployed leaving a girlfriend and baby living with me. My second oldest is 18 and I recently had to ask her to leave my home in an attempt to introduce her to reality. Both my older children and their partners believe I am the mother it is my job to do for them and they owe me nothing. I feel like I wasted the last 20 years of my life giving everything and now I am left with absolutely nothing. I also find myself scared to bond with the younger two for them to eventually treat me like I'm nothing. The children were my purpose in life........now what is my purpose???

This is such a confusing post as you sound like you’ve had enough of the older kids yet you’re saying they were your purpose what do you do now? Also, what do you mean by asking your child to leave home as a reality check?
its very concerning your statement about not bonding with your younger children, how old are they?

What do you think they "owe" you?

You sound at the end of your tether trying to support adult children as well as your youngest.

Would I be right in thinking you’re possibly in the perimenopause years of your life? Because I definitely think it can cause you to feel less able to cope with it all and those feelings about life that weren’t there before.

I think 18 is still very young so while technically an adult, emotionally they probably do still need your support. Do they work or are they studying?

18 is too young to be chucked out of your home because you think they deserve a life lesson.

Non of your kids asked to be born. You chose to have them. They owe you nothing.

oldest is 21 and has recently been deployed leaving a girlfriend and baby living with me were you asked about this??

Chucking your DD out at 18 is a bit brutal. What were the issues?

Gosh that sounds dysfunctional.

Break it down. With the 21yo - did you have a discussion about his partner and child moving in with you, then staying when he was deployed? What other housing options would they have?

For you 18yo - it's difficult to know without the backstory (I assume there is one as 18 is very young to be kicked out, especially as you're housing an older adult!). What options does she have, both for housing and more general support?

I’d personally say 21 and 18 is still very young to think that your job of parenting them is done. I still needed huge amounts of support and advice - emotionally, practically, financially, at those ages.

When you had your children did you really only envisage them until they turned 18 - did you really think that they would become independent overnight as they turned from being a 17 year old to an 18 year old?

finally, children (even early-adult) notoriously take their parents love and support for granted. It definitely doesn’t mean they don’t love you. It means they are so sure of you and your support that they often forget to show their gratitude.

I imagine your living situation is clouding your judgement. If you only had one child say, I can’t imagine you’d be throwing them out at 18 to teach them a lesson. But it’s not your 18 year old’s fault that she has 3 siblings.

Well you don’t need the HF and baby - and so when he’s home living with you - that needs to change.

You don’t have to cook and clean for an 18 year old - so stop doing it.

You still have choices - use them

Wow, the judgement is real! I did not expect it from a forum made for single parents. So I will attempt to answer all these questions.
Flipslop- Yes, I am tired of the way my older children are behaving and at the same time find myself lost when I am no longer accepted as a mother. What I mean by asking my daughter to move out for a reality check is hoping that she realizes she has to do stuff in life to care for herself. Hoping she will understand that she needs her education to get better jobs. Hoping that she will get that she can't sneak around all the time doing drugs and still have everything in life taken care of for her. Also, hoping my smaller children did not see this behavior as acceptable. As for my younger children and bonding, I am concerned too! That's why I reached out to a community with full honesty and openness looking for support. They are 8 and 9 years old, both boys, and I would gladly challenge anyone saying we are not close. I'm doing what I'm supposed to do.

That all sounds hard. And having kids with really big age differences is exhausting - been there! I think it’s totally reasonable to expect adult kids to either be respectful and pull their weight, or move out! I wouldn’t have agreed to the girlfriend and baby moving in with you, you’ve got enough on your plate, and frankly it’s not fair on your younger kids.

Make a plan to improve things at home.

Son & Gf with baby need to get their own place.
18 year old needs to sign a behaviour contract with you if she wants to continue living at home, you write the contract! If it’s not followed then she’s out.

NameChangedOfc- What do I think they owe me? Love, honor, and respect. When I ask them to take out the trash, or do the dishes, or pick up the house......it should be done. While they live in my house with no financial responsibility, an 18 and 21 year old should be fully capable of doing chores especially when they create a large portion of the mess. With confrontation there is constructive communication and then some choose blatant disrespect. The latter of the two will not be tolerated.

JollyGreenSleeves- I am overwhelmed, but in no way am I saying that I am unstable, have a medical condition, or are not able to cope. I think 18 is young as well, but unfortunately in the state of Oregon children get their rights at 15 making parenting minds that are not even fully developed yet quite difficult.

Stop doing things for the older kids and GF if they don't appreciate you. Tell them you are not their servant and let them do their own cooking and washing. Tell the GF she needs to find somewhere else to live, why can't she and the baby live with her family ?

shinebrightlikeanemerald - It is not the nature of life to simply just hand us what we ask for. Should everything be handed to us on a silver platter because we never asked to be born? Of course not! All of us have to learn to brush our teeth, wash over selves, do laundry, eat right, learn to socialize, eventually learn how to support ourselves. To think that a child can walk around a parents house stating the parent must provide everything and the child completes none of the aforementioned would lead to the collapse of society.

LegoBingo- Yes, many discussions were had about them staying. At one point we all got together and signed a contract with all the given expectations.

PercyFone- I talked with my oldest and his gf many times. They were supposed to be looking for a place but never came up with enough money. I honestly did not think the gf would stay once my son deployed. I thought she would go home to her parents. I still have talks with both of them to this day about expectations. I just didn't think I would have to mother older children so much while making sure it doesn't look like I'm mother because their "adults" now. For my daughter, I know where she is. She simply moved in with her boyfriends family.

I don’t think we talk enough about the challenges of raising older children. The bookshelves are groaning with advice for babies and toddlers but young adults are a huge challenge. Their brains aren’t matured but they have legal capacity.

You’re absolutely correct to hold that standard that they should pull their weight. That everyone contributes to the home through some combination of chores, money and that everyone should do so with good grace and a positive attitude. Holding a high standard is different from expecting it to always be so and parenting is what bridges the gap between what should be and what they actually do.

It’s tough op.

Autumn38- I'm not saying I'm done, my older children decided I no longer have influence on their lives. I believe they have a lot more to learn, but I cannot write in a closed book. It is not a matter of numbers, of how many kids I have. If she was my only child and I had attempted all I have with her I would still come to the conclusion that hard knocks is going to have to teach the lesson that I failed to complete. It was far more than a lack of gratitude. I would not trivialize this situation simply because I cannot go over everything that has happened in the last three years.

Silvertulips- Yes I have choices. Yes I have used them many times. Time and time again. There was four of these older kids and one of me. I am exhausted, yet I am still fighting my battles. I was looking for emotional support. I can complain about silly things like not wanting to do the dishes, that doesn't mean I don't get them done.