Ex avoiding text message about co parenting

[pumpkincorn]

Well my husband left me in November 2024 out the blue. He wanted to be friends I didn't want that as he was leaving and saying some truly horrible things. He said he would be there financially for me and our boy but he hasn't helped with bills or money towards our boy since November. He's lied to child mat and said he only earns 3000 a year so at the moment he doesn't have to give more than £30 a month towards helping me feed cloth and take our boy Back and forth school.

I've messaged him twice to discuss co-parenting and he's ignored me. My child asked him if he seen the message and he lied and said he would check his messages. He's told my child he doesn't feel comfortable coming to the house.

I'm at loss my brains pickled this man has been in my life since I was 23 and I'm now 37 he cheated in 2023 and ruined the relationship I spent 18months making excuses for him and he ruined my self esteem and my mental health and then he's gone and acting like I'm the biggest piece of shit on the planet.

I've literally only ever loved this man and wanted all his dreams to come true I wanted him to be happy and have everything but now I'm so confused at his behaviour and how his part time
Parenting is so disappointing. my child is the most important person in all of this and I can't understand why he can't help sort with me the way that will make him have a routine and see mam and dad have his best interest at heart

So annoying

I know it's hard, but I take it he's self employed? If not CMS would be able to do collect and pay and get it directly from his wages.

It sounds like you want him to want to help, but sadly it dosnt seem likely, you need to just move on, make a good like for you and your son and try and forget about him.

He's checked out! Checked out of you're marriage and of family life. You carnt make him parent. I know it's hard (I've been there) .
All you can do is concentrate on your child.
Does he pay himself diverdens (sorry carnt spell) if so you can ask child maintenance to take this into consideration.
What I would say is that many many men leave the family home. They promise to help pay for bills, the mortgage, child care, child maintenance etc but realistically it doesn't happen.
It is early days though, things will settle down . I hope your child is OK.

What message is he ignoring? If he's refusing to set a co parenting arrangement then you need to get a court order in place, don't waste your time trying to communicate with this fool.

Hi --

I’m reaching out regarding matters related to -. I’m only focused on what’s best for them, and I would appreciate if we could keep our communication centered on co-parenting effectively. I’m not interested in any personal issues or drama—just ensuring we work together for -- benefit. Please let me know if you’re willing to do that.

Thank you

Hi -, I wanted to have a calm conversation about - and how we can move forward as parents for his sake. I know things between us have been difficult, but no matter what happened between us, ---- needs both of us to show up for him.

it’s really important that we work together to make sure he feels secure and loved, especially now. He’s still adjusting to all these changes, and I don’t want him to feel caught in the middle or like he has to choose between us. We’re both his parents, and I want us to focus on what’s best for him.”

“First, I think we need to agree that-- comes first—above any hurt or tension between us. That means keeping things civil and consistent for him. I’d like to work out a co-parenting plan where we share time with him and make decisions together, so he knows we’re both fully involved in his life.”

Maybe we start with a weekly schedule so he has a routine. For example, you could have him on certain days, and I’d have him on others. We could alternate weekends or figure out a plan that works for both of us. The important thing is that he knows we’re both there for him.”

I've removed their names and I don't know why the lines have come up

When he was at home he didn't want to do anything with us and said he hated family life. He had a shit up bringing doesn't bother with his family apart from his dad. I thought he would have been better than this. I never thought I'd be doing life alone my son is my biggest priority and I'm trying to make sure he's got a warm house food in his belly clean clothes and a smile
On his face because I want him to know I love him and wish his dad could show up more

How old is child … The fact your Dc knows about the message you are involving them..

look at parallel parenting , co parenting only works when two people want that .. For whatever reason he doesn’t . You can’t make him the parent your Dc deserves. That’s a lesson I had to learn .

what kind of contact is he currently having because it sounds like he is disengaged . Is there a reason there are no fixed days at the moment.

When he was at home he didn't want to do anything with us and said he hated family life.

So he hates having a child and has now fucked off. Your texts to him are too long, you just need to agree on contact times, but the man presumably won't bother.

I ideally don't want to involve my 11year old, but my current situation is shit. Im close to saying fuck it don't bother at all the ex wont communicate with me just wants him on the odd Saturday for a few hours or Sunday depending on his work plans. I used my son's phone earlier and sent screen shots of the messages to the ex if he's blocked me. I can see he's seen the messages about co parenting. I need something in place so I can go to work and not mess my life up I didn't think after 13 years he would be such a selfish cnut

To be honest I've been using Chatgbt to AI create the messages because I wanted it worded perfectly and emotionless using the grey rock method obviously read it before I sent it but just trying to cover all the shit he's avoiding

The lines are coming up because you have out dashes for their names so it crosses out everything between them like this strikethrough

Unfortunately you can't force an absent to coparent if they don't want to and have checked out. You could get a court order but even then they can ignore it.

I can't wait to get my divorce sorted and hopefully a comet will hit him

It’s shit, it sucks, and it’s unbelievably frustrating but you are making a mistake in ever thinking you can get your ex to a normal co-parent. He ain’t, he is unlikely to ever be one, they don’t usually change at this stage of life. You trying to get him to behave decently is just a waste of energy. Involving your son is not fair on him, while you can’t completely protect him from having a disinterested father, you can choose to not make it worse by also having a mother who tries to involve him in adult discussions.

You need to find a way to make your lives work without him. By all means offer the contact and never prevent it, as long as he isn’t a danger, but other than that accept you’re doing this alone.

Your son is 11 so it’s not far away that you won’t really need childcare like you do when they’re younger so you will manage.

My son told me yesterday that his father has told him until I prove my parenting he's won't co parent with me.

Talk about controlling my child's childcare is school pick up being the problem I'm finishing work and driving 30 miles to his school finishing 2 hours early for work and I need to find away to pay that time back

Yes self employed but company house has all his accounts shows he earned £27 grand last year

I just wish it was over and 6mo the later

Useless man.

As PP said try your best to forget the fool and focus on creating memories and having a fun life with your son.

He isn't going to co parent so get that out your head, it's just not going to happen.

I would just text him
*X will be available for you to have
Saturday xx/xx 09:00 - Sunday 18:00
Wednesday xx/xx after school - 19:30
Wednesday xx/xx after school - 19:30
Saturday xx/xx 09:00 - Sunday 18:00
Wednesday xx/xx after school - 19:30
Wednesday xx/xx after school - 19:30
[...... And give him dates for EOW and one dinner mid week every week for the next 3 months]

We will wait for 15 minutes and then continue on our day, if you do not collect him by 09:15 you will need to wait until the next contact period

If this does not suit you you will need to adjust your working patterns of have someone else provide childcare / supervision. DS looks forward to seeing you on xx/xx*

Once you take control, start putting boundaries in place you can guarantee he'll kick back. Stop with the long AI messages. Accept the relationship is over. Don't let him in your home if he can't come in legally do everything at the door. At 11 there should be very little you need to talk to him about DS.

You will have to change jobs if it no longer fits with single parenthood or get different childcare if necessary, it's shit but it's what we have to do as single parents. Don't rely on him to do anything especially if him not picking DS up while cause either of you issues.

Thank you for taking the time to help

I'm gutted about my job they've recently paid for me to go to university and I'd be earning more money in 4 years I work for the NHS and I've never been given a opportunity like this before.

I'm grieving and need to get my head in the right space. Last year I lost my brother my grandfather and my aunty and then he left so it's been a mentally draining time but I'm still trying to figure out this new way of life

Definitely a useless man

How do they manage to hide this side of them
For so long

I want to take my boy to Disney Paris during christmas period I need to try and save but I want him to know he's the most important person in the world and he has happy memories with me and no sad ones

Sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you had a massive shock with your ex checking out of the relationship not that long ago with little warning to prepare you. It sounds like you haven’t yet fully emotionally separated from your ex and have alot of anger towards him. It’s totally natural to feel anger, grief, denial, the lot when dealing with this. Maybe reading re the different stages of grief with divorce might help you come to terms with things.

https://www.verywellhealth.com/divorce-grief-5208157

Where are things with the finances in your divorce? Re maintenance your ex shouldn’t be able to wriggle out of that as they can take money direct from your ex’s account no? Perhaps you could request mediation to get clarity re child contact arrangements? If your child is 11 though it is possible your ex may mostly communicate with them direct. Although disappointing you cannot force someone to coparent. Have you accepted that your relationship is fully over do you think?