DD’s dad feeding her nothing but junk/sugar

[CandyColouredEggshells]

Me and DD’d dad are separated (in the process of getting divorced) and whenever DD (9) sees her dad she comes back laden with sweets, because the house sale is going through I’m in the process of packing up stuff, and when I went round when he was out there was those horrible sour rollerball sweets/drinks, the sour sweets mouth spray, tubs of candy floss etc. everywhere. Our DD is probably slightly overweight, not massively so, but just sort of chunky. I don’t want to make her self conscious, and my weight has never been an issue so I don’t want to make it seem like I’m this skinny health freak being harsh with her. To make things worse her dad is T1 diabetic, which makes her more susceptible to it. Not to mention what it must be doing to her teeth. He acts so arrogant and dismissive when I bring it up, as if I’m dramatic and hysterical, so asking him not to is not an option, or not a sensible one anyway.

She does active/exercise activities 3x a week, and eats fine with me but I’m sick of being the mean parent who has to say no to sweets/chocolates/McDonalds to try and counteract him being so irresponsible. He’s constantly giving her treats and takeaways and I’m just watching her put on weight.

Do I try and talk to her about anything? About making good choices and not eating sweets all the time? I don’t want to make her suddenly self conscious or expect too much of her because of her age.

How did your own parents talk about food with you?

Like you, I've never had any issues with my weight and neither did my mother or sister. Same with my own children and my sister's children.

My mother didn't say things like 'no you can't have two biscuits because you will get fat' in the same way that she told me not to run in front of a car. She didn't bang on about it because it wasn't an ongoing issue. But I always knew that eating too many sweets and cakes was not good for my body. And that's the way I've brought up my own children.

How often is she seeing him?

You can’t interfere in what happens during his contact time, unless there is a real safeguarding issue - and this isn’t one. Don’t make this into a battle where she feels her dad is being criticised and that it is a big issue - just stick to the food she eats with you, and if she mentions her dad letting her have other things then just say that everyone chooses to parent a bit differently - but remind her to be really thorough with teeth brushing if she is eating more surgery sweets at his, as those sticky sweets increase risk of tooth decay. Then move on, it will stress you out for years if you try and control this type of thing when you actually can’t.

My ex did exactly this. (My DD would arrive home with bags and bags and bags of sweets).
It’s a tactic aimed at you, I presume. especially if it’s not how he previously approached food for his daughter. I think it must be in the coercive control playbook!
and it wins favour from a child ie Disney dad behaviour.
I just ignored it - it was hard! - and my daughter eventually got bored, I think. Anyhow, it stopped. She’s also older now and a little more aware of diet and health.
i think you have a right to express concern and to ask him not to do it. But I wouldn’t be surprised if he ignores you/ does it even more. Or maybe that’s just my ex.
Try not to worry/ react to his nonsense.

You might be able to have a general chat with ex about how you are trying to offer DD a healthier diet and cut down on junk etc….You don’t have to make it about him, just a general thing. Depending on the type of relationship you have with him, maybe you could be more direct and say it would be good if he could work with you on it.
Just because she comes home with tons of junk doesn’t mean she has to eat it all at once. You can control what you do with it when she’s in your care. Put it all in a treat box and she can have one a day. If he’s not receptive to a reasonable discussion then your daughter herself is your main route to addressing this. Encourage her to love fruit and veg, serve it attractively, educate her about healthy eating, get her involved in cooking with lots of colourful interesting ingredients . You can encourage her to make healthier choices at dads without doing this in a blaming way. ‘Dads being kind to get you sweets but it’s ok to just have a small treat or save some for later’.