have put this on another thread but really need advice about a friend

[tania111]

Hi,
I feel really sad because my friendship with an old friend has been ruined.

Basically two weeks ago it was my son's christening which was a really big deal to me because it took alot of work. He is four and I'm a single parents but wanted a big do for him with all his friends there.

I had a party for 60 people at my house and had four friends staying the night before. One of them and her four year old son had come from miles away and stayed another 3 nights afterwards. Basically, I found the party although good, very, very tiring and afterwards found my friend quite stressful.

I've hardly seen her for the past few years as she lives a long way away but she wanted to come and I thought I wouldn't see for ages if she didn't. I think she didn't realise the amount of work I'd had to do for it.

There were alot of incidents such as she wouldn't eat any of the huge amount of food (unopened) that I had left from the christening afterwards so I had to buy more food/takeaways etc despite having spent a fortune buying too much food. Other things, she didn't help clear up but expected me to entertain her in the following days, used all my bubble bath, didn't bat an eye when her son peed in the bath - said he always does that! Gave some of my unopened food to another friend thinking I didn't hear her, when I said we'd drunk 15 bottles of wine (just pleased that'd all gone) said 'you didn't get that many'!, wanted extra towels, bath just before kids bathtime and when last person had just left after christening at 8pm(only enough hot water for one bath) etc, etc

Finally couple of days later we had a row. She had wanted to go the zoo so we went. Our kids had a bit of disagreement and her son kicked mine - my son had kicked first and I told him off. I got cross with him and she defended him and we had words with each other. We made up and got on ok the rest of the visit.

Anyway, since then have heard nothing from her. Have called her but she was busy and said she'd call back but hasn't. She hasn't thanked me for the stay but has said she was glad she came for the christening.

Many times over the past few years she hasn't returned calls etc as she has suffered depression.

Anyway, now feel partly really annoyed as this was supposed to be a really special time and feel it was partly ruined and I feel she was really selfish. But partly feel really sad as I love her dearly as a friend but wish she hadn't stayed at that time. It's her birthday coming up and will send a card but not sure whether/what to write and whether to acknowledge the problem.

by the way an example of the things that annoyed me were.

Another friend's 3 yr old wanted me to open a pack of crisps (there were LOADS of opened similar things) and I said no. I had spent about £350 on food and loads was going to be thrown away. Anyway the little girl was upset and my friend say 'awh let her'. I felt guilty so opened the pack and gave it to her.

Then I heard my friend say to the girls mother in a whisper 'just slip them in your bag'! I felt really undermined. Apart from the cost, the food wasn't hers to give away and felt like I'd been made out to be really mean. Also should be able to say no to someone else 3 year old, I certainly wouldn't object if another adult said no to my son in their house.

tania - Try not to be to upset she doesnt sound all that nice to me sorry

Why not spend more time with your friends who live closer to you?
I dont think I would fuss about a friend who treated me the way she treated you tbh

You said 'her son kicked mine'. Actually your son kicked hers. She didn't tell your son off when he kicked her son, as far as I can see, but you told hers off even though your son started it. Sorry, just speaking as I find and that was a strange way round to tell the tale, seeing as it happened the other way round.

Sounds to me like she may have a problem with her food intake too - a disorder or phobia maybe? These are more common than you might think. She could have bought her own food though. No need to expect you to pay for her picky eating habits.

Yes it sounds like she did undermine you there. It sounds like it was really, really stressful for you and you needed support.

You're right about the zoo incident, I did get cross with her son and she hadn't with mine. I think this stems from the fact that I had felt earlier in the day that I had felt she had told my son off quite a bit and I prefer that to be me - if I warrant it but hadn't. For example, she was trying to make him share more with her son and I'd actually thought that he'd shared very well.

But she obviously, hadn't known that when we were at the zoo.

Also, I think with the food, it might not have been to her taste (although there was everything imaginable!) and I think she didn't want to eat things like couscous salad that had been out for about 4 hours. Maybe that's just me but I think that's fine. I know she thought the quiches weren't completely cooked through. But there was loads of other food, olives, tomatoes, hams, cheeses - loads that was still in the fridge and not taken out.t

I'm very funny about eating and I know I drive people around the pole with it, so I deal with it myself and don't expect people to put themselves out.

To be honest, I know what it's like to have a small party, let alone such a big one. It sounds like you tried so hard and had high expectations that others didn't live up to because they had no idea what lengths you had gone to. It really is a very poor payback, but people are just people and often thoughtless, unfortunately.

Did you last see your friend when you were both single? People are often completely different as parents. Perhaps that's where the problem lies?

Has your son never peed in the bath then?

To be honest I thought she was quite selfish even when she was single but yes you are right people are people and nobody is perfect. It's true about me trying really hard and feeling that she had no idea what lengths I had gone to. I remember saying at the end of the day that I had had a chance to eat all day and she said something that sounded disbelieving.

I think if I were you I would send her a card but not mention what happened.

re - has your son never peed in the bath - no not to my knowledge beforehand! Her son actually pulled down his trousers, leaned over and peed. My son then copied him and tried to do a poo in the bath! I was out of the room as my friend was with them.

She said my son had tried to poo in the bath and I was shocked - then she said about her son. I suppose the point I was trying to make was that when I had been surprised/shocked she saying about the weeing 'oh her son does it all the time'. Otherwise I would have said to both of them that it wasn't good behaviour. They are both nearly 5 and it wasn't accidental.

As it was I had just told off my son.

Oh right! I thought you meant he did a wee while he was having a bath! Oh god, no what he did wasn't normal.

Oh, I can quite believe that about not finding time to eat because you want everyone else to be having a good time, and you're trying to make sure everything is going perfectly.

But you are still trying to contact her now, Tania. Why? Are you a people pleaser, do you think? You don't have to continue to be her friend you know ... if she behaved in a manner that you don't like and felt wasn't respectful, you can let her go. There's nothing wrong with that.

I suppose I hate to lose friendships, maybe being a single parent has made me lonely and I'd like to think things could be better next time.

Your friend obviously does things differently to you, but that doesn't mean you can't be friends. COuld you agree that her visit was too long and do it differently next time?

You seem to be worried about her undermining or criticising your parenting to me. Do you think maybe you are just a bit sensitive and not seeing her for so long was a bit stressful?

I'm guessing that sometimes, spending time in the company of another mum and her child with all their different ways of doing things can be tiring and stressful and make you question your abilities as a mum and compare yourselves.

Maybe she feels the same. I think you should try to maintain contact but get to know eachother as friends again rather than just as mums.

Yes, especially when they hold a lot of your shared memories, it can be hard to let people go. Your friendship need not be ruined, and it sounds like you tried your best under difficult circumstances. Send her a birthday card. At least that way she'll know that the ports of communication are still open.

Also she did help before the christening with various things, it was afterwards lots of little incidents that bothered me. It was particularly about not wanting the food although I can see now she may have had issues with it.

But mainly it was because I felt that she hadn't realised how much work/stress it had been espec having her and her son for four days afterwards and four people beforehand (i.e 3 adults and 3 kids getting fed, showered, dressed, all the food laid out for the buffet, breakfast things cleared up plus sorting out living room where 2 people had slept by 9.20). (I even crashed my car on the way to the church!)