What would you do if you "found" your ex?

[LittlePinkAlien]

The one who has never met his child?

More details on request!

did he know he had a child?

Carry on as if nothing had happened.

erm yes, he did know. He lived with me until I was 3 months pg then one day he upped and left giving no reason why.

He was never lost. I know where he lives but ive never been able to talk to him for various reasons. Now I find him on t'internet and I could speak to him privately. Would you bother? Or leave it as it is?

Nope, id not bother. You cant make someone want to know their own child. He'd have kept in contact if he was that bothered, I feel.

Chances are he'd let you down again and just create more hurt.

I'd leave it.

unless you think that he should in someway pay financially - then i wouldnt bother

what good could possible come from it?

I dont know. It wasnt some one night stand thing, dd is four, ive known him nine years, was with him a considerable portion of that.

Up until now he hasnt been contactable (is that even a word?!). He is one very spineless man who has always believed burying his head in the sand is a good idea. He's also very quiet and not into socialising, its strange to me that he suddenly puts himself on there with the very basic of profiles (no pic, just where he went to school, lives, that's it). Just enough for someone to find him.

oh I'd not be able to leave it. I'd have to ask one time. Nothing ventured nothing gained.
but what are your expectations?
if you can take it or leave it then fine.
but do you know if maybe he married had another child etc? These things can really freak you out without preparation

I think you need to think long and hard about what it is you want from him. And then think about whether getting that is worth the potential pain and upset.

The sensible answer is to leave well alone but I think if I were you I'd make contact anyway.

show him what he's been missing. How wonderful your child is. What a great mum you are. Hopefully it'll have the desired effect of making him regret everything he hasn't done for you.

I'd hope it was near a cliff; a deserted cliff, then I'd push him off

is that not helpful? sorry...

I think I'd take pleasure in having the swine see how happy we were etc as confusedmamma said

Do you think he wants finding?

just tell csa address and phone number

BMQ

agree with bmq

You knew where he was the whole time though? So could have written but chose not to. Do you think communication by internet would be a better choice? What if he doesn't respond? Are you prepared for that?

ah but I did write with photos, his new gf opened the letter and never showed it to him. I know that for a fact. I just left them alone to get on with their life, I wasn't going to make myself look like a stalker.

I dont know. I personally dont care either way if I ever see him again, I was just thinking maybe I should try for dd's sake. Bad idea probably

Is it for your Daughter's sake only or do you have some desire to try and see him, to try to start again with him?

I think you'll open yourself up to a lot of pain and upset if he rejects you and your child again. I know you think she's the best thing in the world and anyone who can't see that is a fool. But if/when he rejects her again it can be pretty devestating for you.

Don't assume he has put the profile up to see if you are looking for him. If he wanted to approach you then he could just do that. He might have put it up for any number of reasons.

Put him from your mind. After all this time, and the circumstances of his leaving, you wouldn't want him back surely? Would you?

Ask yourself what the purpose of contatcing him would be. And then ask yourself if deep down that is the real reason you would want to get in touch. Because it sounds to me as if you are harbouring some feelings for him and hope he's going to come good finally. And that is likely to only lead to disappointment.

Of course you're curious at his motivations. But it is unlikely he has put this profile up for your benefit.

Be the stronger person, keep yourself sane, and walk away.

Those are my thoughts, though of course you will do what you want to do regardless of what others think

take care
Gilly

I just want to make one thing clear.

I have no feelings about this man. I have never missed him since the day he left. Any feeling I had for him died instantly when he walked away from his baby. I can honestly say that. I could never respect anyone who would treat his child that way. I dont care for him and I dont hate him, I would not touch him if he was the last man on earth. If he cried at my feet I would never ever be with him. He is nothing to me. You may find that hard to believe but not once in the last five years have I ever wished we were back together. Im not angry with him, I have no desire to see him but if I did it would mean nothing, I dont need to know why he walked away, I dont need an explanation, I really dont care. I have no romantic notion of us being a happy family or anything else. I dont feel any connection to him at all just because he is her father, not one bit.

Now I almost dont believe he ever existed and I cant imagine him being her dad. I cant imagine them together.

So this is not about me. 100%

I feel for dd though. She doesn't know one half of her family and that's a shame. If there was a chance he may want to see her...

Fire off an email if you want to get it off your chest then leave it at that, this excuse of a man will most probably never be in your daughter's life, even if his girlfriend didnt pass on a letter or photo to him he still knew he had a child. I think you do need closure but if you dont get an explanation of why he left then it might still leave you with open issues, do what YOU think is best, good luck

I think you ned to think about all the possibkle outcomes of rocking the boat and decide if you could handle them all.. if there's any aspect you couldn't handle then don't do it.

Think about for you what worst case scenario would be because ultimately that's what you'll have to prepare yourself for.. anything better than that is a bonus.

What, for example, if you contacted him and he decided that actually he wanted to be a very active father, wanted joint custody and was prepared to fight you for it. Or what would happens if he tells you he never wants any contact etc

Have a long think before you do anything because you won't be able to undo it. You'll just have to manage whatever chain of events it triggers.

I went to hell and back those first two years. I think I can handle pretty much anything he could throw at me tbh (famous last words).

Still thinking about it

Well, I knew where mine was...knew the house, couldn't get there as it's off a motorway, hadn't a car till last summer.
I wrote - I never had a reply.
I called, but didn't know he had changed his number, so never had an answer to my messages.
So once we had the car, the pressure was there. I snapped one December morning and went there. The new wife was angry but let me in. He came home, she left for a walk.
We talked for 20 minutes. He was still full of shit, basically. I invited him to our child's first Christmas play, visualised him wanting to go, it was his sort of thing, encouraging Ds etc.
He said he would be working that day.
He said 'Thankyou for your courage'.
I left.
I never heard from him again.

One day I might take Ds with me. I know his dad would not be horrid to him, though it would probably be a one off as he has left once, and would hurt Ds again without a doubt.

Up to you, I did it because I felt it was my fault he left us
I still feel it was my fault, though it clearly was not.
Didn't work, and ds still doesn't know his father.

Some men are shits. he actually said he had assumed I'd gone on to meet a substitute father, who had taken his role. I haven't.

if it was me I wouldn't bother. How would he explain to DD where he has been and why he didn't bother with her.(the question will raise itself in time) I would protect my child from that sort of hurt if I could
but thats just my thoughts and obviously you must do what you think it right for you and DD.

Good Luck