Concern for friend and her children

[OutbackQueen]

I’m asking for a close friend who has daughters of 6 and 9. She’s not with the father who has a new partner but still lives with his mother and he’s nearly 40!
My friend works part-time and has a council flat and he’s supposed to have the girls every other weekend. But he keeps letting her down and has now said that he won’t be able to have them for the foreseeable future as the girls “feel scared” staying at his mum’s and he can’t afford for them to stay in hotels. He wants to see them at my friend’s place whilst she’s at work but she’s vulnerable and ends up having sex with him.
He has a reasonably well-paid job but refuses to get his own place and thinks it’s ok to go out when he has them and leave them shut in his room as they’re scared of his mum.
I think she needs to go for sole custody and get this loser out of her life. She seems resistant to this idea though because she says the girls need a father and she wants time for herself.
How can I best support and encourage her?

He could take them out, but not overnight, or see them at a contact centre. He sounds as if he is using it as an opportunity to coerce her into sex and is abusive. Where are the dds at that point?

Yes, he’s definitely abusive. And yes, he’s could take them out but it needs to be away from hers. I wonder if she can keep working ATM - she works in a pub so quite anti-social hours. Or whether she needs to look for something to fit round the girls better.

How old is this friend?

I’m struggling to see what you can do, ultimately it’s her decision and she’s doubling down on him being in the children’s lives. At most you can offer to babysit every now and then if she decides to go for sole custody, but it doesn’t seem like she wants that at all.

She’s 40 and I agree, she seems to want him around. She’s even going to Disney with him because she feels like she can’t cope with taking the girls on her own. Absolutely I’ll offer to babysit if she wants a night out. But I’m feeling frustrated because she complains about him so much.

Would you be comfortable with telling her directly that you can’t hear about it so much?

I’ve been like that before when I was in a DV situation (I’d just complain complain complain without actually changing anything because I did feel like I had no way out) and looking back it can be quite draining on the people around you. If you’re okay with maybe risking the friendship a little bit, you should probably let her know if she doesn’t want to cut him off she can’t complain to you nonstop.