Reaching out to childs absent father

london97 · 2025-01-02T00:14:41+00:00

Hey guys, looking for some advice. my daughter is 2 years old and her dad has only seen her once at 3 months old and decided to not to see her since. It was a fwb situation and i knew him for over 20 years, i didn’t fight when he said he wasn’t ready but i made the decision to raise my daughter on my own as i was not comfortable having an abortion. ive heard from his family that he has denyed she is his, but he has never said this to my face. I think he is saying this to use as an excuse for not being in her life and being the bad guy, as soon as i heard this i offered for a dna test (even offered to pay) but he just never responded. cut to two years our mutual friend has told me he said he feels bad and wants to have contact but doesn’t want to contact me? my question is should I just make the first move and just contact him saying i am open to discussing how it could work if he has changed his mind? I just want the best for my daughter and if there is an opportunity for her to have both parents in her life i will try. I obviously would want him to make the first move but I just have this niggly feeling that if he feels “embarrassed” or “nervous” to reach out he might never do it. has anyone reached out before and been successful or could offer any advice?

Zonder · 02/01/2025 00:17

What a spineless man. I'm not sure I'd want a man like him in my daughter's life.

YourGladSquid · 02/01/2025 00:25

Hmmm… this is tricky. He sounds flaky - do you want your daughter to go through the disappointment of him being in and out of her life?

I can’t really offer any advice - similar happened to my cousin and it didn’t really end well (he just never maintained proper contact and the little girl was always left disappointed). But even this one didn’t go around denying the baby was his and he was in his 20s (I’m assuming the man you mention is at least in his mid to late 30s if it was a fwb for 20+ years).

emlynlr · 02/01/2025 01:03

Hi there. First of all, I am sending so much love your way. As somebody in a very similar situation, as much as you say that you chose to continue with the pregnancy (as did I - my son is almost 2!) becoming a single parent in difficult circumstances is the most challenging thing in the world.

I would argue that you have nothing to lose, as long as you tread very carefully. Unfortunately my child’s father has only used my effort as a means to stay in contact with me and has not proven himself worthy of being in my child’s life at this point. I hope that this changes as my baby grows older although I may be a bit naive. It is very difficult to not wish for a better outcome. I struggle with this daily as I’m sure you do too.

If you are able to start the conversation by sending a quick text, the worst that he can do is not reply. You and your sweet girl will simply continue life as normal. I hope that you have support from friends and family. Ultimately, you know this person best and may be able to prepare for his reaction or lack thereof.

I would absolutely urge you to contact CM if you haven’t done so already. If he denies paternity, he will be asked to cover the cost of the DNA test. I don’t think he deserves any less if he is so quick to insist that your child is not his responsibility. This is the route I chose after spiteful comments about paternity and his initial anger about having to pay almost £400 did subside. Unfortunately my situation hasn’t progressed much further than occasional texts as he has other commitments that are more important to him. Please take care of yourself.

Original poster

london97 · 02/01/2025 09:24

Zonder · 02/01/2025 00:17

What a spineless man. I'm not sure I'd want a man like him in my daughter's life.

I know…something i’ve defo considered too

OP posts:

Original poster

london97 · 02/01/2025 09:26

YourGladSquid · 02/01/2025 00:25

Hmmm… this is tricky. He sounds flaky - do you want your daughter to go through the disappointment of him being in and out of her life?

I can’t really offer any advice - similar happened to my cousin and it didn’t really end well (he just never maintained proper contact and the little girl was always left disappointed). But even this one didn’t go around denying the baby was his and he was in his 20s (I’m assuming the man you mention is at least in his mid to late 30s if it was a fwb for 20+ years).

Yep! He is early 30s but ive just known him very long as he we are family friends.

thank you! I wouldn’t want a flakey person tbh at all! But i dunno just can’t shake the feeling that i need to try. Not sure why

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 02/01/2025 09:29

Just tell your mutual friend you happy for him to contact you.
Put the ball in his court
Make it his responsibility
You have enough to do as a lone parent
Decide your story you will tell dc growing up

Original poster

london97 · 02/01/2025 09:30

emlynlr · 02/01/2025 01:03

Hi there. First of all, I am sending so much love your way. As somebody in a very similar situation, as much as you say that you chose to continue with the pregnancy (as did I - my son is almost 2!) becoming a single parent in difficult circumstances is the most challenging thing in the world.

I would argue that you have nothing to lose, as long as you tread very carefully. Unfortunately my child’s father has only used my effort as a means to stay in contact with me and has not proven himself worthy of being in my child’s life at this point. I hope that this changes as my baby grows older although I may be a bit naive. It is very difficult to not wish for a better outcome. I struggle with this daily as I’m sure you do too.

If you are able to start the conversation by sending a quick text, the worst that he can do is not reply. You and your sweet girl will simply continue life as normal. I hope that you have support from friends and family. Ultimately, you know this person best and may be able to prepare for his reaction or lack thereof.

I would absolutely urge you to contact CM if you haven’t done so already. If he denies paternity, he will be asked to cover the cost of the DNA test. I don’t think he deserves any less if he is so quick to insist that your child is not his responsibility. This is the route I chose after spiteful comments about paternity and his initial anger about having to pay almost £400 did subside. Unfortunately my situation hasn’t progressed much further than occasional texts as he has other commitments that are more important to him. Please take care of yourself.

Thank you for your lovely response.

i did actually contact CMS as a way to kinda push him into taking the dna test as who would lay for a child who they didn’t think was theres? I got about 5 payments (£6 a week lol) but it stopped and is just building arrears.

such a shame isn’t it! Im sorry your going through this too, your absolutely right in the worst he could do is not respond and i mean thats no different to what we have been dealing with already.

defo something to think about! I also hope things chaange for you tol

OP posts:

NeddieSeagoonsSteamPoweredTelephone · 02/01/2025 09:39

I think you should be incredibly wary about introducing him into your daughter’s life unless you can be absolutely 100 per cent rock solidly sure that he will be in for the long haul (and it think you have no evidence to suggest this will be the case). She is of an age where she will start to understand and remember, and would miss him if he suddenly left her life after a period of time. At the moment the two of you have stability and security. Will his interest wane when he gets into another relationship, or has other children? Is he reliable enough for you to be confident that he will never let her down? If you’re unsure of any of these, it’s best to leave things as they are, rather than risk your child’s emotional well-being, perhaps for years to come - she will not miss what she hasn’t had.

YourGladSquid · 02/01/2025 09:53

london97 · 02/01/2025 09:26

Yep! He is early 30s but ive just known him very long as he we are family friends.

thank you! I wouldn’t want a flakey person tbh at all! But i dunno just can’t shake the feeling that i need to try. Not sure why

Show quote history

I think that’s a very normal feeling, not much different than trying to make a relationship work because you want children to grow up with both parents. Ideally we all feel compelled to try and do what sounds right for our kids.

TickingKey46 · 03/01/2025 09:36

I agree about the flakiness, but I see the situation from a point where my own children have not seen their father for 4 years. There is a no contact order in place.
Unfortunately it's the only outcome for my children, but it may well not be the case for yours.
Giving the option of your child meeting their father, even if it was just for 2 hours a month over not knowing their father. I would 100% take the first option.
Because your daughter is so young it will be easier to manage her expectations. I would make contact with him. I would take it very slowly and expect very little. The emotional toll of seeing and knowing your father (even if not often) is far less than not knowing him) . Even if it's not evident now.

BeeCucumber · 03/01/2025 09:54

I wouldn’t bother contacting him. He will be unreliable and weak and drop in and out of your lives. He will probably make an effort to begin with and then someone or something will come along to take away his attention. Why waste your time?

MyNewNewlife · 03/01/2025 10:05

This needs to be his doing, not yours.

At the very most i would get the message out there via mutual friends that if he wants to see his daughter he needs to reach out.

I would not be facilitating any more than that. And if he wants to continue being an irresponsible arse by avoiding and abandoning his child because he is scared to talk to you.. let him

JoyousPinkPeer · 03/01/2025 10:22

Jesus, if he can't pay £6 per week I would not bother. He sounds like a waster.

BadSkier · 03/01/2025 10:51

He's probably just said that to your mutual friend to make it look like he does want contact but he thinks you won't let. Eg, make him look like the good guy and you the bad guy.

If he really wanted contact he would get in touch.

I'd just tell your mutual friend that he can contact you, and to tell him that. But I'm pretty sure he will not bother!

Purplelady1 · 03/01/2025 21:33

NeddieSeagoonsSteamPoweredTelephone · 02/01/2025 09:39

I think you should be incredibly wary about introducing him into your daughter’s life unless you can be absolutely 100 per cent rock solidly sure that he will be in for the long haul (and it think you have no evidence to suggest this will be the case). She is of an age where she will start to understand and remember, and would miss him if he suddenly left her life after a period of time. At the moment the two of you have stability and security. Will his interest wane when he gets into another relationship, or has other children? Is he reliable enough for you to be confident that he will never let her down? If you’re unsure of any of these, it’s best to leave things as they are, rather than risk your child’s emotional well-being, perhaps for years to come - she will not miss what she hasn’t had.

Agreed!