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Lone parents

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Original poster

Feeling a bit resentful

10 replies

ASantaHat · 17/12/2024 21:24

I know there won’t be many in the same boat however does anyone else feel like the choice to date again has been taken away from them? I know plenty are happy on their own so not aiming it at those people but it’s completely different if it’s your choice. My ex doesn’t see our children and I don’t have spare money for sitters and even if I did I wouldnt leave my children with anyone I didnt know very well. I know people may disagree with that and I don’t judge anyone that does I just don’t feel comfortable with it. I can’t help but feel the choice has been taken away from me as if I had days to myself I certainly would have met someone by now. I can’t help but feel a bit resentful that it feels like I have to stay single whilst ex lives his life however he wants whilst mines on hold till my children have grown up.

OP posts:
YourGladSquid · 17/12/2024 23:01

Yes, I think that must be a fairly common feeling, even if people don’t like admitting to it.

I’ve been a single parent back to back for over a decade now and was really hyped to be a part-time empty nester with mine going away for uni, only for them to decide last minute to stay home instead.

I feel like all the plans I had made to finally have time and money to myself just went down the drain… yet again.

Single parents constantly have to put their lives on hold, especially if you don’t have much money or a support network.

Tittat50 · 17/12/2024 23:08

Of course. That's a natural human feeling. You've sacrificed something because it's a nightmare often trying to bring 2 families together and you can't leave the house anyway!

I wonder if you could get some kicks by chatting online to other guys. Although this is risky as you just don't know who you're talking to. Bringing them into the kids life is not something I think is fair on any kids. Could you emotionally cope with something casual and very sporadic outside the home. Why not get a babysitter. Why not ask for recommendations via the school? TAs often moonlight I think. I paid a neighbours teenager a few times so I could go out.

Just keep it to yourself as the judgement will make you feel crap. I think there's not one thing wrong with having some enjoyment but keep it/him away from the home and kids. Just think about it. The risk is you develop strong feelings. Then your judgement might go to shit or you could get hurt and regret having ever gone there. All things to think through.

Original poster
ASantaHat · 17/12/2024 23:29

Thanks both, unfortunately babysitters really aren’t an option I don’t have any spare money for that as ex doesn’t pay maintenance (whole other story) so there just isn’t money spare for that. I wouldn’t use a teen as my children have Sen so wouldnt put that responsibility on them, just meant even if I could afford it not sure it’s something I would do anyway. All of my single parent friends the father is involved so they manage to date and have lives again a few of them have 50/50 so it’s hard watching them having new relationships, having more children and getting married meanwhile I feel stuck in the same place.

OP posts:
YourGladSquid · 17/12/2024 23:50

ASantaHat · 17/12/2024 23:29

Thanks both, unfortunately babysitters really aren’t an option I don’t have any spare money for that as ex doesn’t pay maintenance (whole other story) so there just isn’t money spare for that. I wouldn’t use a teen as my children have Sen so wouldnt put that responsibility on them, just meant even if I could afford it not sure it’s something I would do anyway. All of my single parent friends the father is involved so they manage to date and have lives again a few of them have 50/50 so it’s hard watching them having new relationships, having more children and getting married meanwhile I feel stuck in the same place.

I’m so sorry, it’s really difficult. I ended up just staying single long term because between working full-time and all the school/medical appointments, I had nothing left to give.

I ended up meeting someone when mine was 18, but in all fairness I could have gone on the apps before that. I don’t know how old yours are, but IMO after 12 you can potentially leave them on their own for a little bit. It’s important to look after yourself as well and that includes your personal relationships.

Tittat50 · 18/12/2024 00:05

It's difficult with SEN issues and you have no cash. Are you part of any online SEN parent groups?
I am on FB anonymously so I can ask sensitive questions in certain health and parenting groups. Also single parent SEN child.

Wonder if an anonymous platform with other parents, including single dads might be some sort of outlet for you. Worth a thought.

It's so hard doing this on your own. Not one single ounce of help is so tough. I imagine there's a reason you can't get maintenance. If he is working and there's any way, just get onto the CSA and make enquiries if you haven't already.

Original poster
ASantaHat · 18/12/2024 20:23

thanks all i am on some fb groups but as you can imagine single resident fathers are few and far between and nrp don't really seek out these groups and i wouldn't be interested in any of the men on the groups i'm on so it doesn't really help much 😔 i know i just have to accept it is what it is but it's difficult when the choice is taken from you. i'm not A sexual so of course i wouldn't choose a life of abstinence it's more being forced onto me. i guess it's a thing that isn't really talked about when you are a lone parent.

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Fedupwoman · 21/12/2024 18:38

I am in the exact same position. Ex is living the dream..moved in with his new partner..taking her out on dates and fun things we used to do saying now he doesn't have the kids to tie him down he wants to do all the fun stuff.

Refuses to help on a daily basis..pay not money towards their upkeep but expects me to bow down to his demands when he wants to see them and complains when i say it doesn't fit in with my plans.

I work full time and have elderly parents who help out when they can...but my life is on hold and will be until the kids are in a better place. It's the sacrafice we make as single parents.

I am sorry you are going through this...you are not alone.

Treesinthewind · 21/12/2024 20:07

My son's dad passed away so I've got 100% care and, like you, am not really able to use babysitters as my son has additional needs. I've tried dating and have had one longish relationship but I have decided not to actively look/do online dating until my son is grown up (when I'll be 50.) I get far too invested in relationships and lose myself, which means I can't be the best mum to him.

Treesinthewind · 21/12/2024 20:09

But yes, I do get very jealous of friends who get time "off." Not just for dating, but for having any kind of life outside of work/parenting at all.

Original poster
ASantaHat · 22/12/2024 15:14

Thanks all well im glad it’s not just me, people say ah well you have the kids he doesn’t, but he could have more if he wanted to (which I can’t, so thankfully I don’t want any more as I would be feeling even more resentful if I did) but point being nothing stopping him having more kids if he wanted and that will make me even more angry when he does knowing how he never bothered with ours and he gets to start a “fresh” meanwhile I’m here feeling like my life is on hold, yes they will grow up but I will be old by then and missed the “best” Years of my life.

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