Being a one child family

[Newsingle]

So my marriage broke down about 6 months ago after I discovered my stbxh was basically living a double life and was hiding that he was in big trouble with police etc. I have one ds who is 2 and we had been making plans to have a second child just as things all came to light. Stbxh no longer sees ds and I do everything by myself.

Don't get me wrong - I'm very, very grateful that I only have ds right now because financially id have really struggled managing 2 on my own and I'm glad that ds is young enough that he won't remember all the awfulness of losing our home and his family unit and pets etc. I've been really focusing on him and getting us into a more stable place and making sure he's provided for and hid security is my number one priority.

However, I had ds at 35 around the same time as a few friends and it was lovely to be able to go through that stage of life together. And now, my friends are all starting to talk about having number 2 or expanding their families and while I'm aware I'm super lucky to have ds (it was a high risk pregnancy and I didn't know if it would work out so exceptionally thankful that he arrived safely), I'm really feeling the pangs that I'm probably never going to have a second and that he'll grow up without a sibling. I'm really happy for my friends that they've all found lovely husbands who seem to treat them well and are wonderful dad's to their kids but it does sting a bit when I'm round them and I know ds isn't going to get that experience and I know how important it is.

Logically I know it's not the be all and end all that he has a sibling and obviously I could have still been with my ex and try for a baby and it not work out, but I feel like the chance of even trying has been taken from me.

I don't want to date until I'm ready and I don't want to bring anyone into ds life unless I know they are safe and stable and I can really trust them which will take time, but realistically by that point I will probably be too old to have another child.

I feel really sad that I won't get to experience having a baby again, I feel really sad that ds won't have siblings (my mum was an only child and really hated it and found it very lonely when her parents both died when she was young so I think that makes me feel very aware of it) and the idea of dating as a single mum is just super daunting because it feels like I wouldn't just be dating for myself, but also thinking about ds and what he would need. I want him to have a proper family unit again and a positive male role model as he gets older but I'm so aware of the predatory nature of some men that I'm scared to open that door.

I'm not sure exactly what I'm asking here, but maybe how to find acceptance for this or others experience of starting to date with a small child in tow who you want to protect?

I feel like I'm old enough that doors will be closing soon, but young enough that this shouldn't have to determine the rest of my life and that I could start over if I wanted to, I just don't want to make any mistakes that could be detrimental to ds but I also don't want to sacrifice my own chance of happiness and having a bigger family by deciding not to date or have more children.

Same position here, unexpected pregnancy at 35, his dad fucked off never to be found again (so far).
I have the same worries. But i have been treated so fucking badly by men all my life- from my mums husband who battered ajd abused her til she killed herself, to exes who raped and broke my nose (two separate men) amongst a LOT of other vile shit in between. So for me, the potential for things to go wrong and put me and my son in danger, or even just my mental health which i have worked hard on, far outweigh any possible positives of having a partner and therefore a second child. For me, i would rather a single child who may feel lonely, but will never be at risk of anything that i can prevent. It's just not worth it to me.
But i do feel sad for the same reasons you do. Dont know what the answer is,maybe acceptance?

I'm so sorry you've been put through so much. That's exactly how I feel, like I'm acutely aware of how many awful men are out there that I am so scared of bringing that into ds life, but equally I don't want fear to stop me from having a chance at happiness either because obviously there are good men out there too. It's just so hard to know what to do for the best.

I totally get it. Its really difficult and for me im not saying itll never happen, there are good men out there (never met any though haha). So unless i meet someone amazing who i can date for at least a year (and do a clares law on due to my past and having a baby), then spend a second year really slowly introducing them, then after that building up to maybe living together and getting serious, by which time itll be probably too late, then for me its not worth it. Im so ruined and broken by my childhood and subsequent trauma at the hands of men that unless it was someone amazing, understanding, patient, and gentle, its highly unlikely for me. It doesnt have to be for you though - that's just my personal choice and a sacrifice I'm happy to make. I had mine at 35 too haha. For you you'll have to weigh up for yourself and your own experiences and priorities. I do feel sad for my son to be an only child. But at the same time its much easier for me because i dont think my mental health could take another baby. So my son gets the best of me as we are. Your baby does too, don't forget that. Whilst he is an only, he does get all your energy, love, finances and is your only priority. Those are important things. And also, you don't have to pick up dirty socks and clean after some gross man haha. You can have and run you and your babies home as you see fit. Not easy, and lonely, but has its benefits!

One way to think about it is that giving your child a sibling wouldn’t automatically guarantee they’d have a friend for life. I have a sibling and our relationship has always been very broken and almost non-existent, but I also have friends who are only children and thriving. They learn to adjust.

Mine has half-siblings but she’s the one who doesn’t really want a relationship with them. I can’t force her to but I do think she’s missing out on potentially great connections.