I don't know what's best for my daughter

[Claire2361]

Hi everyone, I'm really struggling to know what to do for the best regarding daughters father.
Long story short we seperated 7 months ago, daughter is 6 years old and diagnosed ASD, attends a specialist school. She has high anxiety levels, sensory difficulties and emotional dysregulation.

Her dad does not co parent at all, he ignores any concerns I raise with him and our daughter is being effected. He sees her for a few hours one week night, and has her overnight on Fridays.

Since our split(and months before) her father has been glued to his phone, literally. He has a girlfriend who lives in another country, & recently got back from a 3 week stay. DD has been upset on numerous occasions saying that dad does not play with her, he's always on his phone, gets angry with her easily, doesn't show her love, she constantly bombards me with things he's doing thats upsetting her.
Just to state I do not bad mouth him at all, this is all from her. I try to encourage a good relationship whilst also listening to her feelings.
She is having meltdowns every time he drops her back with me, she even asked to write him a letter & asked me why is dad acting 'so weird'.

School have also noted a change in behaviours and have referred her for more emotional support.

I've communicated all this with dad and he just isn't interested, tells me it's not true, he's not always on his phone(I've witnessed it as I lived with it) that he does play with her, so on and so forth or just completely ignores any message I send.

DD has chronic bowel issues and I reminded dad yesterday that she cannot be eating junk food, she's on a high dose of medication at the moment after another bowel impaction. DD told me dad gave her 3 chocolate bars, a burger king & basically lots of crap that I've been keeping her away from.

There's so much more but basically she's desperate to feel loved by her dad and some of the questions she asks me break my heart!

What do you do in this situation where I just want to literally wring his neck for doing this to our girl but at the same time want her to have the love she deserves from both parents?

I cannot make him change or listen, so do I just sit by and continue to watch her be hurt and her needs not met?

It's a tricky one as it's normally in the best interest of a child to have both parents involved. However this man is actively harming your dd as such I strongly advise you to stop contact until he completes an asd parenting course or he takes you to court.
In the short term it will be difficult for you and your dd but in the long term it will save both of you so much heartache and emotional harm to your dd from a man who is incapable of recognising her needs and putting them/her before his own wants

In my heart I know this is what needs doing, but she still desperately looks forward to seeing him even though she's always disappointed afterwards. It's so difficult, he wouldn't even attend mediation or court, I know he'd let her go before changing his ways as he will never be able to see the damage he's doing.

I agree with PP. Stop contact until he changes his ways and can be the father your DD needs.

Personally I wouldn't stop contact, but I would reduce the times down. Maybe offer him 2 x tea dates but no over night. I would aim to make the contsct "short and sweet". Maybe 3 hours, each time. Enough time for him to give her tea. If she's eating well when she's with you even if he feeds her rubbish I would hope it would have minimal impact. Also the 3 hours would hopefully be a more manageable length if time for him to manage the amount of time he spends on his phone.!!
I would not stop contact, I think this would be detrimental to your child.
I also think if you did stop contact and it went to court your reasons will look petty. Eg he's on his phone too much / feeds her unhealthy food. Unfortunately I think these will be seen as parenting choices. Even though we both know his parenting is piss poor!.

Whether they're seen as parenting choices, which they probably will, only matters if he'd take OP to court, if he won't she can do what she wants about contact.

It's a tough one, with one of my friends it's very obvious her DC are better off with their dad out of their lives. It's easier when it's obvious one way or the other, with my ex it's a grey area, I'm not sure if they're better off going through the trauma of not having a dad or if they're better off seeing him given his behaviour. My youngest is a little older than your DD. My DC are all Autistic, they love their dad and they miss him and there are good things there, but he's a shitty parent and he says nasty things about me directly to them and in 18 months split eldest has gone from being ok about staying 4 nights occasionally, to a maximum of 2 unless he's taking them on holiday or down to the grandparents, because he's less angry on holidays. She has a psychologist, we've discussed this at length, she knows any time she wants to stop I will tell him (dreading) and we'll do that. Right now she's happy with the 2 nights a week, doesnt want to stop seeing him. If she ever does stop I suspect my youngest will stop going too. My middle DC misses his dad a lot, despite everything his dad's put him through and he's really struggled and I do wonder if it would be better for him to spend more time with his dad. I'm trying to hit the right amount of contact, its a really hard balancing act.

Eta: I agree about reducing contact instead of stopping. I'd try that and if that doesn't work reconsider stopping. I'd probably take DD to a psychologist meanwhile, they should be able to help you assess if she's getting something good out of this, or if she's better off without him. That's if she can interact with other adults in a meaningful way. It took a long time to find someone my DD would actually talk to and I haven't been able to find anyone my middle boy will talk too. Youngest was easiest on thus.

The problem is if he's a rubbish father what ever you do it will be damage limitation for your child! Ideally you want him to have a wake up call and become a decent father, it's still early days, so I guess this is possible.
People always say "stop contact". But having no contact has a massive emotional impact on the child, regardless of what you do. My children haven't seen their father for 4 years (there is a no contact order in place). They have a very forfilled and happy life, but it's not ideal, they have unresolved issues regarding not seeing him, unfortunately it's inevitable!
If they had been able to have some kind of relationship with him, no matter how small (as long as if was safe). It would have been the better option.