This time i’ll go through with it

[Iwantthesunsobad]

I’m 43 have been with my partner for 23 years 4 children. Partner has always struggled with addiction of porn and spending.
Our relationship has been going downhill for the last 6 years.
Today i found out he’s racked up £14000 credit card bill. I don’t know what he spent it on but assume online porn/viewing.
I have tole him i know about it and want him out.
Previously he always said let’s try and make it work for the kids but we can both see that the kids won’t benefit from bickering and we do not get on at all.
I have no support network anywhere near and have been a stay at home mum for about 15 years only recently went back to work about 16hours as partners job still is unpredictable so can’t rely on him to help with childcare.
Im putting my foot down this time and determinded to go ahead with the separation even though im petrified about what the kids will think even tho i know they can only benefit from a tension free environment.
Before i knew that unless he wants me his as much as i do, nothing will happen as he is the main bread winner and always used to use the ‘stay together for the kids’ rubbish
I feel now as he knows that i know his secret, he will be more inclined to try and make it work so nobody finds out about what he did.
We aren’t married but the house is on both of our names.
My question is where do i start querying about what i’m entitled to if he leaves the house and moves to his dad?
i have no idea and have no one to confine in as don’t want to worry people and i know.
Any advice or support would help.
Thank you

Hi OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this, I hope this time is the time you walk away for good.

With regards to what you are entitled to, there’s a few things to look into.

1. Universal Credit- have a look on entitled to website and that will give you an idea of what you could claim.

2. The house, as unmarried and in joint names, if he is leaving you’d need to either buy him out (so get the mortgage in your sole name plus the extra so he gets his equity back), or you’d need to sell the house, split the equity and then find somewhere to buy.

3. Child maintenance, depending on the share of care he may have to pay this to you, so that would be some extra money each month.

Thanks that’s very helpful @Mrsttcno1
I have never looked at that before as my partner was a high earner.
Can i ask a few questions about applying for UC?
Do i need to declare partners savings/bonuses that he had earned in the last year if he moves out as there doesn’t seem to be a time as to when it’s required from.

Also sorry there is no way I could buy him out. Would this work if he moved out and still carried on paying for let’s say half the mortgage and i paid the other until we work out what to do with the house?

Call CAB with all the details to get proper advice on the UC side, it’s tricky because you are not married and so it’s not all treated as family money, it really depends. You’re not entitled to his savings, pension, bonus etc, and it depends how you are applying for UC. If you’re applying as a single person then you don’t need to declare as he isn’t your partner, you can apply as a single person but you have to be able to show that you ARE separated and are living independently even if in the same home, so separate finances etc.

With regards to the house, he would have to agree to move out & continue paying half of the mortgage. Technically as you’d then have exclusive use of the home you would have to pay 100% of the mortgage, your 50% and then his 50% as occupational rent. If he will agree to pay half still then you can do that, but if he won’t you’re back to being a bit stuck because you can’t make him leave & continue paying.

Thank you. If he carrys on paying the mortgage and we agree that he gives me less maintenance as a result, would i need to declare that he is paying for my mortgage or is that not relevant for claiming UC?

Yes you would have to declare that I believe.

Thank you. I will call CAB tomorrow as not sure i fully understand it. Our monthly outgoing mortgage +utility bills probably £2500 so there is no way that i could pay that all by myself even with UC help or perhaps this is the time when people are suggested to sell the house as they won’t be able to physically survive if they stayed there?

Yeah unfortunately OP this is why most people have to sell the family home. What is affordable with 2 salaries is very, very rarely affordable on just 1 salary. Also with a mortgage you won’t be entitled to anything towards housing in UC, if you were renting then you would potentially be eligible for that element to go towards your rent.

When couples/families buy a home they choose one they can afford together, which is great while everything is good, but it does mean selling up and moving on once you split as 1 salary doesn’t cover it. The issue is as you’re not married you don’t have any bargaining power elsewhere, if you were married then you’d have the potential to negotiate on pension, savings etc to get more of the house, as unmarried you don’t have that access.

The sad situation is that he can afford to pay for the house on 6K net income a month but i can’t.
From what I read the only option (that’s if he wants to help (be amicable) if he gives me payment as maintenance and i’ll pay it towards the mortgage. That way don’t think it counts towards UC

If that’s the case then he could buy you out of the house, meaning you have your share of the equity to set yourself up somewhere new, which might end up being for the best. If he isn’t going to live in the house then even if short term he will pay towards it, long term he won’t because staying on that mortgage will hugely reduce his lending power & increase the stamp duty he pays on any other house he wants to buy to live in.

Speak to CAB but honestly I’d plan to sell the house, keeping yourselves tied together indefinitely with the house means that you’re always dependent on him to pay and if he suddenly decides to stop then you’re stuck.

He doesn’t have any savings and has a lot of other bills for his car/life insurance/ previous loans/credit card. What i meant was that as a family of 6 could probably get by if he didn’t mess up his life with his addictions.
He is no way able to outbuy me unless his parents pay him.