Lack of contact

[Jessthepseud]

Hi,

I am going to try and keep this concise. I have a 15 month old dd whos father hasn't seen her for 12 weeks. I arrange contact weekly and every week he texts at the last minute saying he has no money to come over/some other excuse. He has never paid maintenance or contributed even when we were together. The arrangement is meant to be 2 hours fortnightly but I have a feeling that he wants to cut this back to two hours once a month (from what he has said in emails) I'm just so worried about my dd - as she gets older this sporadic contact is going to effect her more and more and also that he won't keep to anything I suggest. I have tried to accomodate him so many times but it feels like I'm hitting my head against a brick wall. There were a lot of lies and abusive behaviour on his part during the relationship and I have serious issues with his sanity (he has had treatment but won't say what for) I just don't know what to do for the best. Has any one been in a similar situation? Offer advice even?

My ds's dad used to see ds every other weekend. Ds hasnt seen his dad since the weekend before easter. He lost his job so cant afford to see him. Like you i tried to accomodate my ex for ds's sake. I invited him to stay with us and my dad would pick him up he refused. Then offered him to stay with a lift both ways he still refused.

Since then i have had 1 text asking how ds is and thats it. I always wanted ds to have a relationship with his dad and to see him regularly. Unfortunately my wishes are irrelevant. If his dad decides not to see him i cant make him. I know its hard to accept.

The most important thing is for your dd to be loved and cared for by you. Dont get me wrong she should have it from her dad aswell. Sorry if that doesnt make much sense.
Hope any of this helps

No it does help, I just worry that if I don't have something formal set up now that it'll come back and bite me on the bum later, do you know?

I also think he should just decide what he wants to do (which I can second guess is walk away) and just do it so I can pick up the pieces now rather than later.

It's just all so sad

I suppose what I mean is if I just let it drift what would happen if exp's mood shifts and he decides to take me to court. I think I'm being paranoid but this is all so new to me.

The court would decide what is in the best intrest of the child. If she is at no risk from him they would more than likely allow unsupervised contact. You could try mediation first courts look upon that quite favourably from what i understand

I know exactly what you mean when you say if hes going to walk away to do it know. I have thought the same with my ds and his dad.

Siilar situation but it was my choice that there was no conact due to my lack of confidence in his sanity and generally his very abusive and volitle personality/attitude

You mention that you have issues with his sanity & abusive behaviour-do you not worry about how such behaviour could affect your dd? Nowadays we hear about father's rights all the time & the effects on children of not knowing their father but there is research that shows father's anti social behaviour can be very detrimental to a developing child. It is very difficult to know what to do for the best. My ex was abusive, violent, has a history of drug-induced psychosis and continues to take "soft" drugs. I do not want him to have anything more than supervised contact.

Kids survive. Sometimes lack of contact are a blessing

i have to agree with chikenmother. Even though i wanted ex in ds life, i couldnt care less now. Ds is a lot better behaved as i dont have the changing of rules for ds to deal with

It's true, I think dd would be better without any contact from her father but if he insists on contact I really feel it should be regular, supervised and long term. I also don't want her to blame me when she gets to 15 and has no paternal relationship. I feel split between wanting to protect her and then worrying that I am doing the wrong thing by her if I break all contact especially if he gets the arse, takes me to court and gets unsupervised access.

I just love the way I don't seem to have a leg to stand on, even though it's been just me emotionally, practically and financially supporting my dd since her birth

I understand how you feel Jess.

One suggestion. Its probably a good idea to keep any texts or emails he sends you, & perhaps keep a diary of his contact (or lack of) that you can produce should it come to court ever.

Already on that Sparkle! I guess I just have to see what happens - he's contacted me again re: setting up contact so I guess I'll just go through the whole process again! Fun fun fun!

Oh I really cant wait for all this to begin with us. (NOT!!!!)

Hope you get it sorted quickly.

Apart from anything else, you find it all so hurtful that they don't want to see this beautiful child that you love so much. It beggars belief that, as their other parent, they don't love the dc like you do. And it makes you question your ability to select decent men for your life partners. How can such an uncaring people be hidden at the bottom of what you thought was a really good guy? Goes to show you can never really know anyone.

I'm rambling. Sorry. I was just going to put you in touch with Shelleylou, but I see she has beaten me to it. Glad you found each other.

Its really hard to comprehend why the dc's other parent doesnt feel the way about the dc as you do as LW said. I read the thread title and had to post.