It's a long one, but please give your input.

[SmugColditz]

Most days that exp has off work, he likes to come as see the kids. He has today off work, but didn't let me know yesterday what he was doing this morning.

So I rang him to ask him at 7.30 (I know he is an early riser) and he gave me a long rattle about how he assumed I was going to toddlers, and refused to commit to a time, and eventually said "I will be up at 8 then". He then put the phone down before I could say "No thank you I don't particularly want to see you.

When he got here, he started ranting and raving about how I'm up to something, hiding something, lying about who I talk to online, finishing up with him storming OUT, and shouting "YOu can go and shag whoever you're shagging on the internet then!" leaving both kids behind and ds1 (5) hysterical about Daddy leaving so suddenly and angrily/

When It was time to leave the house for school, he was still outside. Ds1 was thrilled, but I wanted ds1 to walk with me, as I wanted to be the one to walk him into school so I could explain to him teacher why he might be upset or disrupted today. Ex followed us all the way, and although ds1 was happy, I was less so.

Then instead of taking ds2 like he said he was going to he stormed off, ranting about the password I have put on the computer, facebook, me not having a bath when I said I was having one etc.

He has since been up, and he has apologised and taken ds2 out ... but I have had enough.

Currently he sees the ds's most nights, and he stays here to see them. I am not thinking I don't want my children to experience us both in the same hatefilled building ... but he says he isn't 'taking them out in the cold' and can't afford to take them somewhere warm. His place is not an option, it's a filthy sngle room bedsit.

Any ideas?

Oh and I am SICKENED by the terminology he used in front of my children and I want to stove his head in.

I don't think we ever had a neutral mutual friend. His friends have stayed his friends, and mine have stayed mine.

It's sad that we have been serparated for 14 months now, and I still have to deal with this sort of crap.

I know what the trigger is too. It's because I've lost two stone.

Does anywhere other than relate do mediation then?

We have nothing formal in place, we never were married and I don't think he even has PR for ds1, who was born before december 2003.

Money-wise, he pays maintenance through the CSA as this was the only way to get any out of him. We split up because of money. We are both poor though ... no money for long legal battles, but unfortunately this is starting to mean he does as he pleases.

There are family mediation centres nationally - they evaluate your financial situation so you may be eligible for Legal Aid - it is really useful to be able to speak in a 'safe' neutral environment and, if the mediator is any good, you will hopefully be able to resolve issues like this kind of unacceptable behaviour and maybe draw up a co-parenting agreement, where you semi-formalise what you both expect. You can also return whenever the need arises, and it means that all the awful discussions / arguments can take place away from the dc if possible...

why can't he take them to a toddler group instead of you? the library? his parents/family? swimminmg? etc etc

Yes, you need a neutral third party to explain to him that who you are having sex with is no longer his business (whether or not you are having sex with anyone) because he is not your partner any more and should be concentrating on having a good relationship with his DC and a politely neutral one with you. It will help to have proper rules in place ie he sees the DC at set times and he behaves civilly at handovers. You need to stop him having access to the house though as it is no longer his home and it isn;t necessary for him to be in the house, particularly if he snoops. Agree with DDF he needs to find other places to take the DC such as toddler groups, libary or the park.

I've just contacted Relate, to send me some info about mediation!