coping with the loneliness

[ChocolateSpider]

how do you deal with the loneliness? I try so hard to not let it get to me but my god its hard. what do others do the cope with the loneliness? (if you feel this way as well) there’s only so much talking to kids you can do all day every day.

Do you have friends or family to talk to?

I found it far lonelier in a shit relationship than being a single parent.

I find it hard to not have another adult to share the responsibilities with, but also not having a plus-one to go out with. It’s very isolating.

i can’t say i relate but he left me he wasn’t shit he ended things with me i wouldn’t have left. no family, a few friends but they are busy with their partners i don’t like to be clingy

@ChocolateSpider , massive empathy, I found the loneliness soul crushing as a single parent. I was also left . I know talking online isn’t the same as, but I wish it had been around when I was a single mum.

Are your kids young or school age? I made friends with a lot of school mums but I too had the same problem with people not wanting to meet at weekends. However now they are teens and don’t want to spend time with their parents I find people are far more up for meeting. Are you ready for a new relationship? Would you try the apps for dating? Some actually offer friendships as well on there.

thank you yes it’s such a different thing when it wasn’t your choice

they are school age and unfortunately i’ve never found any friendships at their school it’s quite cliquey and i’ve given up trying there. dating not an option as much as i would love to as they are with me full time (don’t see their father as he wouldn’t stick to any contact) so i just don’t have the time or energy to give someone

Hi, I feel the same. The infinite loneliness sometimes makes me feel quite bad about myself. I also find it quite hard to make real friends with mums from school, for various reasons - I guess we are all busy with our own problems, and it is hard to exchange at a deep level about my feelings.

What I've been trying to do is to call family helplines (free), where I can share my feelings with a counselor, who understands my situation and also tries to come up with solutions with me.

I gradually realise my personality is a very quiet type, and I'm not good at socialising (which gives me immense stress). Therefore I find taking a walk in nature, and reading a good book helps me greatly.

All the best. You are not alone.

My biggest advice would be make sure if you make some time for yourself, even if it’s just at home and not socialising.

I wasn’t able to go out either so I just accepted and focused my whole being in work + parenting. Looking back, I don’t think it was a healthy way of coping at all. Once my DS finished high school in my head it was “Mission accomplished! We survived!” but I ended up creating a situation where my DS just expects me to exist for her and is having a lot of trouble transitioning into independence.

I’m sorry you feel like this. It’s so tough. I do think that you can get more used to it.
when my daughter was younger, I often invited mum’s round for tea/ wine/ coffee when their kids were playing with mine.
I worked hard in the office so had conversations there too. I often felt quite warm and content with my child and our animals in our home.
now she’s older I feel more lonely… I try and do calls in the evening which helps x

You have my empathy. I find it isn't just the day to day loneliness of missing chatting, it's the long term loneliness because it's really unlikely that you have friends understand what you're experiencing (divorce, separation, loneliness parenting etc) over a long period of time and you can't bore them endlessly with misery of the situation. So it just gets buried and not having someone understand you is really, really lonely.

Both can be helped though. Is it the casual conversations you miss or the deeper ones?

I am really feeling the loneliness at the moment. For the first couple of years, I was perfectly happy on my own, and never really felt that lonely, definitely far preferable to rattling around in a marriage on my own! I loved the quiet times, being able to do what I wanted with my son etc.

I'm not sure what has shifted, friends all in couples and busy with their own lives, kids, commitments, and my DS growing up into his own friendships are part of it, but I just think this year has been a bit of a slog and dealing with adulting alone is quite tiring. For me, work has been really hard and so coming home without an adult just to decompress with, chat about the trivial things etc has felt really tough.

I empathise, and I'm feeling it here too. I've been alone for a decade. I've worked so hard to keep connections with friends but it's hard not to feel resentful that I'm always the one making the effort to invite people or plan things. My youngest is 12 so she's beginning to need me less, but she isn't yet at the point where I can go out for an evening without sorting someone for her. I did have a good friend who was single and we spent a lot of time hanging out at mine when her DC were at their dad's, but she's met someone now and I barely see her. I've tried dating but I don't have free evenings so it ends up being even more stressful juggling. I don't have any answers.

Mum dating apps.
Find a local book club and a babysitter for the once a month session.
Do a family parkrun.
Keep looking for ways to meet others. It is not easy, but use the unhappy feeling to propel you.

Yes I think this is exactly it. The reality is that it's too much of a juggle for any kind of relationship. I am really embracing the phase we are in while my son is old enough to do some really fun stuff that's fun for me too, festivals, camping trips with friends etc. We have a good life on the whole and I am extremely grateful.
It's the doing mental load and shouldering every responsibility that I am finding particularly lonely and unless someone is in the same boat, they really dont get it. I asked for help earlier this year. It was only a couple of small jobs, nothing mega, but it took some courage to ask. They said yes, but ended up not following through - striking some of the load off my to do list, then having to add it back on again, really served to amplify the loneliness.
Seasons of life I guess. Kids absorb what we do, so it is important to put ourselves first sometimes. They will grow and we are entitled to build a life for ourselves too. We are doing a great job and it's hard 💖

I agree it's the mental load and having no one to share the responsibilities with, it gets very wearing! My boys are getting older and there are periods of time when they are away and I get very lonely, it's really tough x

I preface this by saying I'm not religious, but I have found a lot of friendship in my local church. A lot of people have very strong negative opinions of "church people" without ever having stepped foot in one since their harvest festival when they were at school. I live very rurally and there is a tremendous feeling of community that centres around the church here. I would say about 50% of the people who go to church events are religious and the other 50% are going for the social side. The church people in my village are so welcoming and kind. I was really struggling at one point with keeping on top of everything and one of the church ladies (in her 60s) baked me a cake and sent her husband (also in his 60s) around to my house to do a load of odd jobs for me (trimmed back my garden, fixed some broken drawers, hung a curtain pole, fixed a chain on my son's bike). There was no obligation or expectation, they are just genuinely nice people who wanted to help just for the sake of helping. The church also fundraises for outings and activities for the local children and ive been on a few trips (zoo etc) that I wouldn't have been able to afford for the 3 of us on my own. Maybe give the church a try (or synagogue, mosque etc depending on location, faith etc).

I totally empathise and really feel this too. It’s sometimes a weird feeling of loneliness even when I’m with my kids, I guess because of the lack of another adult

@Bananasandcustard28 I really feel that too, I crave that family unit and think I still grieve the future we should have had 🤦🏻‍♀️ my ex lied and was abusive, there was no choice but to separate.

I am so lonely. I have a partner who only comes at weekends and when es coming he causes arguments or doesn’t stay for the time he’s meant to. I have no friends and barely any family to rely on. I’m sat here alone all the time. I’m so depressed

Do you have your children with you at the weekends?
Sounds as though the relationship is not bringing anything to your life but more isolation and pain, perhaps it's time to end things with him and find something else to do at the weekend. Maybe you could join an activity, group, hobby class or something if you have some child free time?
I understand the loneliness. It can be crippling.

I have them all the time. My biggest problem is social anxiety and it’s so severe I rarely leave the house. I’ve got dressed to go to a mum and baby group so many times and ended up in tears because I can’t do it x

@TreesWelliesKnees - your post really resonated with me. Been single for 21 years and brought up DC who have been living away. Remote working hasn’t been great as have missed office culture.
Anyway I’m moving to a different part of the country and am going to try really hard there to create a new life and join clubs/ possibly church/ volunteer and maybe my life will fill up again. I’ve certainly had many happy and full times this past 21 years but have missed a really close connection with someone.
wish you well too xx

I agree with you … and empathise. have you tried doing video WhatsApp’s with a glass of wine? Cup of tea? It can be like the person’s there with you and can help decompress xx