Feeling very sorry for myself....

[looneymum]

Hi Guys - My DH left just after christmas and I have two beautiful DDs (age 3 and 6). DHs life has moved on swiftly and he is now living with his new partner and her two kids age (2 and 4). My kids spend three weekends a month with DH and have now spent a couple with DH and his "new" family. The kids are fine and very adaptable (obviously they love daddy and will accept whatever he does).

The thing is, I have managed to surround myself with friends/family for the weeks since DH left but this weekend I am feeling so very lonely. I have so often, in the past, wished for some time to myself but now I have it, it is not at all what I want. I do need a break from the kids so I should be using this time really productively.... instead, I feel grim and tearful. I had a lovely glass of vino last night and a meal for one... a good chat with my sister and this eve I am going to a friends house for dinner. I should be so happy at this little bit of freedom... but I am just the most lonely I have ever been. All those families doing lovely family stuff and sitting in with their lovely DHs tonight having a laugh, a takeaway and a nice bottle of something to share. Woe is me....!

Couldn't let your thread go without sayng HI.

Do you have an interest in crafts. Very good at keeping you busy and so rewarding to make something nice for the dcs on their return.

Have a look at the arts and crafts topics. There are some lovely craft blogs too to inspire you and life your spirit.

I have been there!! I know that doesn't help but I promise it does get easier - you don't necessarily like how things are but you do learn to accept it. The key (I found) was keeping busy whilst they are away, even if you just put yourself in the bath with a facepack or something...try to indulge yourself, have a nice time with your friend, buy a magazine...anything really. They'll be home before you know it...

here is their blog site www.mncrafters.blogspot.com

Or a nice bath without interuption.
Make a list of all the DVD;s you wanted to watch and never had time for, rent them from library etc.

I felt like that a fortnight ago. The boys were at their dads and I just felt so lonely. I've never felt as lonely as I did that weekend. The key is to indulge yourself. Enjoy your time with your friend now, and make sure you do things you wouldn't be able to do if the girls were there. Have a long soak in the bath, relax with a book, go shopping, whatever takes your fancy. Try and spoil yourself while they're at their dads.

Looney, there are a lot of Single parents on this board. I would like to meet somebody again one day, but I am not lonely luckily. I do sometimes wallow in self-pity though. That is my achilles heel. Why don't I have fabulous house/husband/career??! I just have to sit on it and get on with it... and hope my decade will be my forties, because it sure wasn't my thirties! (Although I love my children and wouldn't send them back).

I love that I can go to bed and read for ages, I can watch what I like on TV, I can eat vegetarian food without being nagged to cook steak...

I agree with the PPs. After years of thinking I'd love to xyz, one of the things I've recently done was to buy a sewing machine and make a few little cordurouy bags. They are getting better, slowly. They look a bit TOO home made right now. But I'd love to end up making a dress one day. (What a long term fantasy that is!).

Thanks everyone... I have now cried some more... you are all so kind. I know I must stop wallowing and get on with some stuff. It is a very strange place to be, when you can't sort of sit still or get up or concentrate or read, whilst all the time my mind is spinning with all the things that have gone on. I have registered on a few dating sites and this has amused me no end. The downside is you can get a bit attached to a complete stranger hence leaving you wide open to some more disappointment! I've taken to waiting by the computer/mobile for text/emails just to give me a bit of a lift... terrible strategy with tons of disappointment... I must get a life! I think I am hoping that some nice chap will cheer me up and make me feel better.... I think, as always, time is a great healer and the feeling better bit will come from inside me.... but I can't wait!!!! xxx

Know exactly where you're coming from. My dh left us on mothers day and I'm finding the evenings hard. The kids are staying over with him and his parents tonight but all my mates are rallying round and we're going out tonight. BUT i have to wake up in an empty house tomorrow morning. No wee body clambering into bed beside me. Everyone says to indulge yourself and pamper yourself but it still doesn't feel right when the kids aren't there. Hope it gets better with time - it will. I ahve friends who are through the other side now and are happy. Thinking of you and sorry I've not been much help!

You are not alone, even if it feels like it, there are lotsof us here, all ready to listen and to tell you, you are perfectly entitled to feel however you want.

xx

I used to feel like I had an elephant sitting on my chest some days. I was wheeling my buggy along crying, hoping I wouldn't see anybody I knew.

I DO feel sorry for myself about the way things have worked out for me, I'd be lying if I said I didn't suffer from bad GREENEYE but.... I do have a spring in my step again, and I can see the humour in things.

Time is a great healer. It's torture getting to that point. But 2 yrs ago I don't think I had the ability to put myself into other people's shoes so well. I think now I have a bit more compassion, far less inclination to judge, better ability to count my blessings........

Don't go near another man while you're so vulnerable. That'd be my advice. What do you really want a man for??? To show other people that you don't have to be alone, or that you CAN get another man!??

Get your groove back before you start to date, that way, when you do start to date, you will be able to attract a better calibre of man! That's what I tell myself but I actually like watching desperate housewives, reading and going to bed early...

You are all so great.... I don't know what I would do without MN.. It's great just to feel that no matter what's going on, someone has been there and survived! Of course, I don't want/need a bloke but rather need a distraction and to feel that I am lovely... I think I have just forgotten (after 8 yrs of marriage) what it is like to be alone and content. Any road, I am just going to turn the radio up, cover some strawberries in chocolate (my addition to tonight's dessert) then go in the bath with a pile of conditioner on my head! Oh yes, then slip into clothes that are two sizes smaller than when I was with DH... every cloud has a silver lining! Thanks again.... I'll be back..x

I never lived with my dd's father as a family so I never missed him in that respect and he's married to another woman now anyway. I am on my own again after a recent near-miss so I have my odd moments of tears and generally wanting to stop the world and get off. I sat there today watching my dd reheearse in muscial theate and I just wanted to curl up and bawl my eyes out over something-and-nothing. I made an excuse to pop into work afterwards and pick up my sunglasses in case of further leaky eyes over the weekend - I forgot my glasses last night. By the time your dcs come back they'll be raring to see you and you them .

Two sizes smaller!? Oh honey, you had it bad.

Being unhappy at being on your own is legitimate grief. When your dc's are away, it becomes even more apparent at how 'on your own' you really are. Everyone grieves the death of their relationship. You might feel less crap about it if, when you feel like that, you recognise it as grief, know that it is a normal reaction, and decide to do something to lessen it like maybe watch a comedy as therapy. You have my sympathy. It's a very difficult time

SOrry you feel so sad. You might find it cheering to have a quick nosy in the Relationships section of MN because (not mocking anyone else's anguish) all those stories of men who are violent, decietful, dangerous or just lazy and sexist can make any single women feel basically pretty lucky.

Hey guys. I'm glad it's Monday. The kids got back at 7pm last night, very tired, they had a snack a quick story and then to bed.. by 8pm! My eldest DD mentioned bits and pieces about the weekend and I know they are having fun... I think they think they are on holiday whilst with DH. It breaks my heart though... but it is self pity... they now have a big 4 kid family and I feel so grim. Life seems so unfair.

Littlewoman - your words are wise and I know I need time to grieve.. it is just this physical "lonely" pain that I cannot shift. I think that is why I have dabbled a bit on the old internet dating sites. It has made it worse though as I now wait for responses and feel "hurt" (if you can be hurt by a complete stranger you've never met) if they don't e-mail back/return texts.. it's a slippery slope! I wish I could just feel great and optimistic... time will heal I know... have you ever wished you could just take a pill and wake up in a year's time?!!! xx

I agree madamez, no relationship is definitely better than a bad one. Agree too that it can be hard being without the children at weekends given that our lives revolve around them. Two years on, still find a quiet house doesn't feel right.I use part of the time to do a blitz on the housework and ironing so I don't have to do too much of it when the children are around. Go for a walk, watch a DVD. Study. Shop. But companionship is what is missing...

Never a truer word said MadameZ. I do feel lucky (relatively) after a quick browse on the realtionships board..

Looneymum. I have felt like that. Nothing close to suicidal, thank god, I was always very sure I would feel better and happy one day. But when I was very, very down, I used to wish I could press fast forward on my life.

Very true, Madamez, and I would never wish to go back to all that crap just to have a husband again. (No disrespect, ladies, I meant my own crap).

In some ways I feel as though I did wake up a year or so later, LM. I found it such a hard thing to cope with, I lost 2004 totally. You've heard the saying "taken leave of your senses"? I quite literally had. That's what the brain does with trauma though, isn't it? It blocks it out.

I know I can't do anything or say anything to make you girls better, but I've said this to other ladies and it is true, I wish I could carry some of it for you. It's too much to bear for one person sometimes.

Hey Littewoman... wouldn't that be great - taking on someone else's trauma! I would quite happily trauma swap! The thing is though it is me and me alone that can sort/rationalise and cope. The support on here is great though and I know we will all get through.... big group hug to all (and perhaps a nice glass of chilled vino to soothe our tortured minds!) xx

There is light at the end of the tunnel.

I was you 2.5 yrs ago. My exH left (kicked him out) and he went str back to OW.

They play happy families once a month and to begin with the weekend alone was awful. You are so used to waking up to noise that to have a quiet house is deafening....but you do deserve a break & should use it to look after yourself.

I use the weekend to have a hair colour - takes 3 hours & I have the peace knowing that I havent had to find a babysitter or have children sitting there bored.

It must be hard knowing he is living with someone elses children & only seeing urs at the odd weekend. dont know how he can do it!

Be strong & know that you are the better person for allowing your DCs to enjoy themselves without guilt.

They will know in yrs to come what you have done for them.

Be kind to yourself & know there are plenty of us out there who understand

xx

I was just saying on a message somewhere else, Yesterday (29th April) was my ex husband's birthday, and I totally forgot all about it. I could NEVER have imagined doing that four years ago ... hope that is some encouragement to you all. I was actually proud of myself for forgetting somebody's birthday.