a little lonely and a lot lost

[shelle044]

Apologies it’s a long one …. Don’t want this post to sound like I’m feeling sorry for myself as I’ve such a lot to be thankful for but I’m feeling a little lost and wondering how to find myself again with limited time, busy friends and busy business. Not sure if it’s Just a normal stage of life?! . I’m 47, single mum to the most amazing vibrant and positive wee soul - she’s now 12 and we’re moving into a different stage in our relationship and I’m loving seeing her grow into a lovely young lady :-). We’re super close and have a great relationship and she’s of course the centre of my world. She’s had a challenging few years, I separated from her dad 5 years ago (we were married for 20years) and he wasn’t consistent in seeing her during that time which caused a lot of anguish and upset at time. Then He sadly passed away quite suddenly in June just before she started high school so has been difficult / sad times. I dearly loved him but he had a lot of personal issues which finally led to his death despite best efforts to try and help. My daughter and I arranged the funeral as his family havent ever been ‘very involved’ in his life, which has helped both of us and I had peace knowing he had a good respectful send off that he deserved. A couple months afterwards, the guy I had been seeing on and off for a year or so) had arranged a holiday abroad together just to give me a break from everything. But he very randomly upped and left suddenly on first day leaving me in hotel (no argument or anything) saying it wasn’t working and I’ve not heard from him since. I had left my daughter (which i never do) with close friends, relatives to go so was angry that I had reluctantly done that and for nothing but actually ended up having an amazing break on my own and it led to a lot of reflection on myself, my marriage with my husband, and how I have felt
very let down continuously through my life by family, spouses etc. To get to the point - lately I just feel so resentful to people in general (this is the opposite of how norMally am) I just feel like I’ve shut down to the world - I feel lonely but don’t want to let anyone in or share how I’m actually feeling with people and would rather just tell everyone I’m fine. I feel like I can’t trust anyone and am better off by myself with my daughter. I am not interested in sharing my life with anyone - friends, family or especially a man but at the same time feel very alone. I’d like to have someone to sit down with after a hard day and talk to about it or share good stories of days events. Share in joys of my daughter. But I end up just working on laptop and Then I just roll into the next day and it just go’s on and on. I don’t have much of a social life (dispute having a big sociable personality) as I don’t have childcare often in evenings although I do have some great friends but when I do see them I don’t want to spend the whole time offloading I just want to have fun and hear about what they’ve been up to. I run my own business so life is super busy and although I love it it consumes a lot of my time. the ramble here is very representative of how I’m feeling!!! Ultimately, is being lonely and alone
just part and parcel of life in mid 40’s as a single mum? How can I stop turning into a resentful, insular 50 year old! And find my sociable soul again? I feel like I love and hate being on my own in equal measures! Xx

Hi Op,

You sound lovely - sorry to hear about what you are feeling.

I can’t believe he just upped and left what a rotter!!

Have you had any therapy before? It sounds like you’ve gone through quite a lot and it might help to talk it through with a professional. You might be able to get referred on the nhs or find some low cost therapy.

In terms of loneliness would having a regular hobby for you help? Maybe something you do each week like a Zumba class, volunteering, pottery - something for you! I know it’s tricky with childcare etc but with a bit of planning maybe it could work?

I also think just trying to get into the routine of planning stuff and doing little things to mark the seasons and occasions can help. This time of year is particularly hard so I always try to get into Christmas early.

Remember sometimes telling friends how you feel can end up bringing you closer. They might feel the same. It’s a tricky one as some people don’t deal well with the slightest emotion but hopefully you’ll have one or two which can! X

OP, if you’re able to, maybe getting counselling would help.

I started it earlier this year following a culmination of things (DD struggling, my own relationship issues, finances, etc) and it’s been helpful, if nothing else to help me find ways to bring back some focus on myself.

90% of my existence is being a single parent and focusing on my DD and at some point I completely lost track of my own needs as a person. Counselling has been good to help me reassess things and establish better boundaries.

You sound amazingly resilient. My youngest is also 12. And I have been single for 7 years now and loved it. The children and I have had a great time. They are getting older and more independent now and as great as that is I know I now need to build a life of my own I started running with a small group twice a week. Which has really helped me to be more sociable and increase my fitness. I'm not sure what next but it plays heavy on my mind that I will soon be a lonely old women.

@YourGladSquid thanks for taking the time to reply. I have started counselling and it’s been a huge help - I’m an absolute advocate of it as part of anyone’s ‘health’ routine. You’re so right in terms of boundaries and def something I’m trying to work on! Glad to hear it’s helped you too and to hear you’ve managed to spend some more time focussing on you. Totally going to take a leaf out of your book! X

@Bloatedbelly thanks for your kind words and thoughtful advice. Take everything on board and agree with all your points. Why is it so hard to apply to yourself lol?! I’ve started counselling and am lucky to have found a counsellor I really connect with. It’s def helping. I’ve booked a couple gym classes on the back if your advice xx Thankyou xx

@unicornsarereal72 aren’t all single mums super resilient?! lol! I’ve a huge respect for every single one of us! I really hope we’re not lonely old woman ! There are so many of us out there all feeling the same! I might start a ‘tinder’ for group meets of over 40’s single mum’s who want to get back to living their best lives after dedicating ourselves to our kids 😉 thank so much for your reply. Although I don’t want people to feel like I do it’s nice to know we’re not in our own x

Hi OP, you are definitely not on your own. I feel extremely lonely and I miss someone on the end of the day to share a meal with and have a laugh.

I feel less lonely/ happier when I'm super busy so I book as many classes as possible and go for a walk when I can.

Don't let one bad experience to knock your confidence, the guy is clearly an idiot.

Sending you love and hugs Xx